Dreams
by thedarkpassenger85
Summary: Jane and Maura move back to Vermont and start their life as a new couple...EPILOGUE IS UP!THANK YOU ALL FOR READING.
1. The shadow

**Chapter one :**

**The Shadow :**

_It was dark and all her senses were alert, she was trying to comprehend what was happening to her._

_Her vision was blurry and her eyes were trying to get accustomed to the obscurity and all she could distinguish was a shadow slowly moving on top of her. It was too dark for her to figure out who the shadow was but the naked body riding her was perfectly shaped, the stomach was toned and the chest was voluptuous, rising and falling following the rhythm of the shadow's heavy breathing._

_She was lying on her back feeling that slim but yet heavy body pinning her on her bed keeping her from moving. Reaching out for the shadow, wandering her fingers on that firm stomach she couldn't believe how soft that skin was._

_Starting down around the belly all the way up to the imposing chest she started to draw small circles with her thumb, feeling the drop of sweat streaming down the shadow's shivering skin and between her shaking fingers._

_Slowly reaching out for that gorgeous mouth she gently started to stroke the wet lips hoping it would give her a clue about the identity of the shadow. __Unfortunately a quick bite reminded her to lay back, enjoy herself and stop questioning what was happening. _

_Nodding she laid her two arms on both sides of her body and suddenly felt the shadow disappearing between her legs, its tongue outlining every single one of her ribs, its lips kissing her skin all way to her inner thighs._

_The attack on her folds was brutal and unexpected. The strokes of the shadow's tongue were quick and precise and she could feel the warmth streaming down her folds._

_Bucking her hips pressing her inner thighs against the shadow's mouth she could feel her entire body burning up, shaking under the shadow's touch._

_Her head was pounding and could barely breath. This was too intense, she was about to come._

_A few minutes, it only took a few minutes for her to release her pleasure in the shadow's mouth into an earth shattering wave of pleasure that ran through her entire body. _

_Breathing heavily it took her a few seconds to put herself together before feeling the shadow's lips pressing against hers making her taste her own warmth. __It tasted sweet but not as sweet as she shadow's lips ._

_Wandering her fingers on the shadow's back all the way down to her firm back side feeling its naked chest against hers it finally hit her._

_"You were so were for me tonight." The shadow panted breathing directly on her face making her inhale that very particular sent that was so familiar._

"What the fuck?" Suddenly waking up to the obscurity of her bedroom Detective Jane Rizzoli could barely believe what had just happened.

Spreading her legs lifting the covers up the large dark spot on her sheets confirmed her first thought : she had just woken up from the wettest dream of her life, dream that was her best friend : Dr Maura Isles .

"Oh my god, what am I gonna do?" Falling back on her pillow covering her face Jane could feel the warmth still streaming down her legs and her clitoris throbbing.

What did this dream mean? How was she going to look at Maura tomorrow morning at work? Would she actually be able to look at Maura in the eyes without making her suspect something? Because Maura was an expert in facial expression and always knew when something was up and was she was hiding something from her. Bouncing out of bed and walking towards her bathroom a million questions came crashing Jane's brain.

Jumping in the shower that night trying to cool herself down Jane Rizzoli started to think that this had to stop, that all that frustration she was accumulating was driving her nuts. She could not continue to live like this anymore. Allowing the cold water to stream down her body Jane for the first time finally admitted to herself how she truly felt about her best friend. Was she going to confide in her about her dreams and her feelings or would she continue to be a coward and allow the frustation to continue to build up?

She didn't have the answer to any of those questions yet but wearing a satisfied smile on her face Jane realized that having her feelings for Maura haunt her in her dreams wasn't that bad after all and certainly most enjoyable than dreaming about Hoyt...

Yes, Jane Rizzoli had done some embarrassing things in her life but this was probably the worst of them all and the problem was that she couldn't control it and considering been so good it was she knew that it was going to happen again.

**So guys, I know this is very different from what I usually write…I tried to use all of Jane's senses to described her experience you know hearing, sight, taste….**

**I guess you all guessed that the shadow was Maura right?**

**This is actually one of the first story I ever wrote but I never published it because…. I don't know why actually and I had forgotten about it until I read Sasha's interview a few minutes ago. So I decided to dig up that old story, refresh it and publish it.**

**Maybe I will continue it. It could be interesting to see how Jane is gonna behave around Maura afterwards.**


	2. Facing her

**Chapter 2 :**

**Facing her : **

The next morning, after spending the hours following her nocturne experience looking at the ceiling unable to fall asleep Jane reluctantly dragged herself out of bed.

As she was pulling the covers at the end of her bed her eyes immediately laid on the dry spot on the blue sheets reminding her of what had happened : she had had the most intense wet dream of her entire life, dream that involved herself with Maura and she had enjoyed it to the point of climaxing.

Obviously Jane had experienced wet dreams before but none of them had ever been that intense and felt almost as real as if Maura was actually in bed with her.

Thinking about it Jane realized she had never climaxed while having a wet dream, actually she had never came without receiving any kind of physical stimulation and could barely believe that the simple thought of making love to Maura could have such a life altering effect on her.

So that friday morning after changing her sheets and throwing them in the laundry basket and walking Jo Friday around her block Jane drove herself to the station praying that Frost and her wouldn't be called on a new case. She was actually hoping not having to face Maura today and was determined to use her free week end to gather her thoughts and was hoping to have things figured out by monday morning.

Sitting at her desk finishing the paperwork on their last case Jane was praying for this friday to be quiet because not only because she didn't want to have to face Maura but also because she hadn't had a free week end in over a month and was eager to spend the next two day catching up on her sleep.

"So do you have any plans for this week end?" Sitting at the desk in front of her was Detective Frost her partner of almost two years who unlike her didn't seem as exhausted. Despite being completely devoted to his job Frost like Maura had this ability to compartmentalize and go home at night and sleep while Jane would barely leave the station when she was working on a case. The more challenging the investigation was the more committed she was and the deeper into the investigation she would dive in.

"Shhhh! That's bad luck! Don't talk about the week end until it's actually time to go home please." Jane replied rolling her eyes.

"Superstitious much?"

"No, it's just that I really need this week end. I don't have any plans but I'm exhausted. This last case was tough and I just need to recharge my batteries you know." Emphasizing the word _really _Jane realized that it was the first time since Frost had become her partner that she admitted needing a break and she was hoping he wouldn't find it suspect and start question her.

"I get that trust me. You know you're a great cop Jane, probably the best I have ever worked with but you're not superwoman and you need the rest just like the rest of us. I just hope that Maura doesn't drag you to some Yoga classes or shopping with her." Frost grinned knowing that Jane was usually unable to refuse anything to her best friend even if it meant doing something she hated like Yoga or shopping.

"Actually I think she already has plans this week end. Anyway I better finish this report if I want to leave early tonight." Smiling through grinned teeth Jane was hoping that Maura wouldn't in fact invite her this week end because she had no idea of the kind of excuse she could come up with to decline her offer considering she wasn't on call.

For the next hour Jane sat at her desk and unsuccessfully tried to finish this report. Surprisingly and unlike most cop she knew doing paper didn't bother her, she actually enjoyed it. It was the opportunity for her to sit down and stay quiet for a little while thoroughly going through the case to make sure everything was done by the book and that she hadn't missed anything important.

Unfortunately for her the task she was hoping would keep her from obsessing about that dream turned out to be more challenging than expected because despite her best effort she couldn't keep her mind from that shadow.

Every word she laid on that piece of paper, every thought she had reminded her of that shadow, of those perfectly shaped breasts, of those lips and that tongue she knew she was never going to taste and it was excruciating.

Around 11 am seeing she was not making any progress Jane decided to go down to the cafe for a quick break knowing that Angela wouldn't be there to question the obvious bags under her eyes and the preoccupation on her face.

"I'm heading downstairs what can I get you?" Jane asked grabbing her jacket on the back of her chair.

"Nothing I'm good. I'm saving myself for lunch." Frost replied patting his stomach.

"Alright, I'll see you in a few minutes." Walking towards the elevator cracking her neck and her knuckles Jane was still trying to figure out what could have lead her to have such an inappropriate dream about Maura.

Obviously she was well aware of the rumors that were going around in the department and couldn't care less if people believed that Maura and her were secretly dating. All that mattered was that she knew the truth, or did she?

Over the past couple of years the two women had grown from being colleagues to friends and against all odds Maura actually became Jane's confident, the only person she felt she could be herself with, the only person she didn't feel the need to wear her armor for. Maura could see Jane for who she was, with her flaws and insecurities and she liked her anyway. Unlike most people Maura accepted Jane exactly the way she was and despite trying to influence her to date more or to improve her wardrobe she never once tried to change what made her who she was. Actually Maura somehow admired her for being stubborn and independent and for being able to bend the rules from time to time.

Look at their friendship someone would didn't know them that well could easily believe that they could not be more different, like oil and water. They had been raised in two different social and economic background, had received different education and had two very distinctive ways of apprehending their work. While Maura only relied on science and always felt compelled to double check everything Jane used her guts but despite all those differences they had somehow managed to build a strong and intense relationship.

Looking at things more closely Jane and Maura weren't that different, they were both extremely passionate about their careers and had both worked hard to be the best in their respective fields and gain the respect of their peers. But what made Jane and Maura very similar was that they were both living under the pressure of being women in a male oriented line of work and both shared that desire to prove themselves and most importantly they both had this visceral desire to gain their mothers' approval even if they felt that nothing they could do would ever satisfy them.

They both felt that Constance and Angela would never understand why they had chosen that dangerous and underpaid line of work when they could have done much more with their lives. Actually both of them felt like a complete disappointment to their mothers because they were still unmarried and with no plans to give them grand children in the near future. Yes both Jane and Maura had learned to wear a mask and to surround their hearts with a solid brick wall and to smile trying to hide as best as they could how damaged they truly were.

But despite feeling extremely close to her and knowing that she would never find a man that could complete and accept her the way Maura did Jane had always refused to considered her as more than a friend. She had been raised in a very religious family and being gay wasn't something they talked about at dinner and she grew up being taught it was a mortal sin.

Despite the way she felt about Maura Jane tried to convince herself that she could never act on her feelings, that she had already acted against her parents wishes all her life and somehow feared that acknowledging being in love with best friend would definitely put the last nail on the coffin of disappointment that her life was.

No matter how she felt about Maura it needed to stop and what had happened the previous night could never happen again.

Stepping into the cafe still buried in her thoughts Jane didn't even noticed that Maura there, standing at the register paying for her order.

"Jane! Jane!" Waving hysterically at her friend Maura immediately saw how preoccupied she was, preoccupied enough that she had to call her several times before catching her attention.

"_Fuck!" _Jane said to herself biting the inside of her cheek." Maura, looks like we had the same idea." Jane mumbled nervously walking towards her friend.

"Yes, after spending the past four hours performing an autopsy on a burn victim I decided to indulge myself with a cup of tea and I thought you might need this." Maura replied handing Jane a large cup of black coffee with no sugar.

"Thanks, I was just trying to finish up my report, speaking of which I have to get back." Grabbing the cup from Maura's hand avoiding eye contact Jane was determined not to spend more time than necessary in her presence. She knew that looking at her and diving into those beautiful eyes she wouldn't be able to keep herself from fantasizing about her.

"Wait, please sit down and take a break. I know how exhausting this case has been for you and I think the paperwork can wait." Grabbing Jane's arm dragging her towards their usual table Maura couldn't help but worry. It wasn't like Jane to try to avoid having a cup of coffee with her and she was determined to figure out what was troubling her friend and to help her.

"It's just that…. Jo Friday hasn't been feeling well and I wanted to get home early you know." Literally pulling that excuse out of her butt Jane knew that she couldn't just tell Maura that she just wanted to be by herself this week end. She knew that without a valuable excuse Maura would stop at nothing to coerce her into confiding in her and didn't trust herself not to violently push her away if she felt pushed into a corner. She needed time to apprehend what had happened and she needed to be alone for that.

"Oh, I see, has she been withdrawn, reluctant to eat or to urinate?" Taking a sip at her tea as she gently patted the top of Jane's hand Maura could see how worried she was for her little dog.

"Yeah, I think she just feels lonely because I haven't been home lately. Actually I think I should go home right now. I can finish my report there. See you on monday." Feeling Maura's thumb gently rubbing the top of her hand Jane was suddenly hit by a vivid flashback. She saw that hand and more specifically this thumb tickling her erected nipple. Her face immediately turning red Jane couldn't breath, think or talk. She needed to get out of here, now.

"Jane!" Watching her literally storming out of the cafe Maura had enough information to make a definitive assessment : Jane's distant behavior had nothing to do with Jo Friday, something was bothering her and she was determined to find out what is was.

That afternoon Jane went home early for the first time in months and immediately collapsed on her couch. Feeling Jo Friday climbing on her lap Jane slowly closed her eyes hoping she would be able to catch a few hours of dream free sleep. A few hours later Jane was brutally waken up by someone banging on her door.

"Ma, I swear to god one day I might use my gun on you." Dragging herself out of the couch rubbing her face with both hands Jane suspected that Maura might have called her mother and that she was gonna have to deal with her.

"I certainly hope you wouldn't use your gun on me Jane." Maura replied standing in front of her holding a large brown bag.

"Maura, what are you doing here?" Jane mumbled slightly closing the door to keep Maura from making her way inside her apartment.

"I came here because despite not having your keen eye I know you Jane and I know something is going on and I'm here to help." Maura replied her left hand on the door.

"I'm fine Maura, I'm just a bit tired. Thank you for your concern though. I will see you on Monday." Jane replied slightly rising her voice as she blocked the door with her foot. She was about to explode, she could feel it.

"Oh Jane, what ever it is you know you have nothing to be ashamed about, come on let me in."

"No Maura! I'm fine! I don't want to talk to you and actually I'm sick and tired of you constantly invading my personal life. I don't need your help. I was perfectly fine before I met you and I'll still be long after you're gone. So just go away!" Jane hissed slamming the door before collapsing on the floor.

Sitting against the door her legs lifted up her chest Jane started to cry. She hated herself for being the way she was, for being so broken that she couldn't accept her feelings for Maura and to act on them.

Over the past couple of years Jane had pushed Maura away on numerous occasions but this time it was different and she didn't know if Maura would ever forgive her, actually she didn't know if she wanted her to.

**Alright guys, I think I literally pulled that chapter off my ass. I have been feeling really uninspired for the past few days but I know this chapter wasn't as good as it could have been but I still wanted to give you a little something.**

**So for once I decided to write a story where one of them actually struggles with their feelings.**

**I think I got tired of them confessing their feelings and acting on them like if it was the most natural thing in the world. If you think about it in reality Jane wouldn't acknowledge and accept her feelings that easily because of her religion, her parents or because of that desire she has to be what people expect her to be.**

**In this story Jane is going to be in denial. I never wrote her that way but I think it should be fun. I don't know how I'm going to write Maura yet but I think she might surprise you as well :)**

**PS : Thank you Maria for your review bad reviews motivate and inspire me sometimes more than good reviews :).**


	3. Jane's decision

** First a big thank you to roethfan7 who inspired me and helped me by going through my ideas with me and by giving me her honest opinion!It's nice to be able to bounce my ideas back and forth like that! thanks darling!**

**Chapter three :**

**Jane's decision.**

Feeling the door almost crashing on her face Maura was in shock. Standing there her breath taken away by the extend of Jane's violence she could not move, breath or even think. Jane had pushed her away in the past but she had never expressed it physically.

Suddenly brought back to reality by the thought of Jane finding out that she was still standing there Maura ran towards the stairs and stumbled down the three floors as fast as she could leaning against the wall to keep herself from falling because of her heels.

As she arrived to her Prius Maura immediately opened the door, locking it behind her and reached out for her keys in her purse her hands started to shake uncontrollably. Struggling for about a minute to put the key into the ignition Maura was trembling like a leaf, her vision was blurred by the tears filling up her eyes. Positioning her hands on the staring wheel Maura took a long and painful breath before leaving the spot where she was parked.

Half an hour later Maura arrived to her house and after a quick cold shower and and tasteless dinner put herself to bed, tears streaming down her face. Wrapping the covers around her to form a comfortable cocoon around herself Maura, who had curled in fetal position slowly managed to calm herself down and started to rationally analyze what had happened.

"_Jane has never been the talkative or sharing type and she often pushed me away in the past. I never force her to confine in me and I always respect her personal space because I know how proud she is and that she doesn't want me to see her in a state of fear or doubt that she considers as signs of weakness. I feel that we have been through so much over the past couple of years, more than most people go through in a life time. When we first met she was still recovering both physically and emotionally from her abduction. I actually remember that her hands were still painful and that she would nervously scratch her scars every time she saw me holding a scalpel. The only vision of my scalpel would provoke that visceral physical reaction and I remember that it took at least six months until she felt completely comfortable being around my autopsy table._

_She never really talked about what Hoyt did to her not that she had to tough. I read the reports and I know how he pinned her to the floor with his scalpels thrusting them through her flesh making it impossible for her to move. In an attempt to understand Jane better and to eventually help her if she ever decided to solicite me for that purpose I studied Hoyt extensively. I read every single autopsy reports, watched every single interviews the FBI conducted to try to understand him better. I paid particular attention to the statement the woman Jane saved gave hoping understanding her experience would give me an insight into Jane's mind. Little I know Jane's mind doesn't function like anyone else's which makes her the most fascinating human being I ever encountered. _

_Jane always wears that badge with pride and honor and being the only woman in the Homicide department had to work twice as much as any male Detective. So to keep up appearances and to avoid being treating like another of Hoyt's victim Jane started to wear a thick armor around her entire body, making it almost impossible to even to catch a glimpse of her feelings._

_The only times Jane ever allowed me to see a glimpse of her fears and to show how scared she still is of Hoyt is when he somehow finds a way to come back into her lives by sending one his apprentices to continue his legacy. Thankfully it only happened twice and those were the only times when Jane admitted to having nightmares. I remember her knocking at my door late that night and spending the night talking to her because to her own confession she had never been so scared in her entire life._

_Charles Hoyt is still in prison and will remain there until the day he dies but I know that Jane still has nightmares from time to time, I can see it in her eyes but I know better than bringing it up. All I can do is be her friend, try to distract her and stay by her side and protect her to the best of my abilities if he ever decides to send someone else after her. _

_Six months ago Jane shot herself and stayed three months away from that job she loves so much. I remember staying at her bed side every single day for two straight weeks until I was confident she was strong enough to be discharged under my care. Once again she barely talked about the physical pain or the emotional repercussions of such a traumatic experience or about the fact that her parents lost their house and had separated._

_That's Jane's Modus Operandi : when tragedy hits her she simply rises her head and moves on. I'm not saying that acting like nothing ever happened is the best way to heal, actually I'm convinced that burying unsorted feelings or fears only condemns one to see them resurface when less expected damaging us a little more every single time._

_Unfortunately that's how Jane always felt compelled to cope with the trauma she experienced over the years and I have to admit that she is the strongest person I know. I for one don't know if I would have had survived if only half of what happened to her had happened to me. Jane has this ability to move on and go on living simply by the strength of her determination. Up until now I never worried about her refusal to talk in me immediately after something happens because I know that she always confides in me eventually even if it takes a month or a year, that it's her away of coping but this seems different. No matter what happened this time, it seems to have affected her deeply and despite respecting her need for privacy I will not let her drawn herself to death. I'm going to get to the bottom of this_." Maura said to herself wiping the tears off her cheeks unwilling to let Jane's pride step in the way of their relationship.

At the other side of town and after allowing herself to cry for what felt like hours Jane finally picked herself up, walked towards the kitchen and grabbed the brand new bottle of vodka standing on the upper shelf on top of her kitchen counter. Jane has never been much of a drinker and barely drank anything stronger than beer but tonight was different. Tonight she needed to forget about who she was, about Maura, about her mother, her religion, about the disaster that her life had been from the start and beer wouldn't help her achieve that.

Dragging herself to the couch followed by Jo Friday Jane only had one desire : to drink herself to sleep hoping the alcohol would knock her down hard enough that she would not dream about Maura.

So in order to forget about what she had done Jane poured herself a drink, then another, then another and didn't stop until her vision was too blurry for her to keep her eyes opened.

Slowly lying down feeling Jo Friday climbing on her lap Jane was unable to hold the tears.

"_Can my life be anymore fucked up? First Hoyt, then the shooting, now this? A serial killer or a gun shot that I can deal with, it's part of the job and I'm trained for that but do I deal with that dream? Because let's face it this wasn't an innocent wet dream like people often have, not when it involves your best friend. People always say that dreams are the way our mind has to express and reveal our deepest and most repressed desires, the one we know we shouldn't have, the one that are so shameful to be acknowledged out loud and this was exactly what it was. I can not have that kind of feelings for Maura, I just can't. I'm not a dyke for fuck sake! I mean, I always felt that my feelings for her were a bit deeper than simple friendship and that we were closer than two friends should ever be but up until now I was able to manage and buried those unnatural feelings thinking they didn't mean anything because there was no sexual aspect to them. But how am I supposed to go back to work and look at her in the eyes and be friends with her after dreaming of making love to her? Well I'm pretty sure she's never going to want to speak with me ever again after I slammed the door at the face like that. That should settle the " being friends " part but we still have to work together. Or maybe we don't, maybe I could go somewhere. Frost always say I have enough vacation time to retire so maybe I should just take my car and drive until I find a place quiet enough for me to think properly and put myself together to finally get rid of those feelings_." Jane said to herself as she slowly released the bottle on the floor before closing her still wet eyes.

The next morning Jane woke but the sun of her face, Jo Friday barking and someone banging at her door like if it was the end of the world.

"For fuck sake! Who wakes people up that early?" Jane rasped trying to open her eyes that were burning after a night of crying.

Slowly standing up helping herself by using the couch for support, before slowly dragging herself to the door Jane's could barely walk straight without feeling dizzy. Every bang on that door resonated in her ears like a set of drums.

"Yes, yes, I'm coming!" Jane yelled opening the door determined to get rid of the intruder as fast as possible so she could spend the rest of the day on her couch.

"You look terrible." Maura said as she immediately pushed the door open and let herself in before Jane could shut it on her face a second time.

"Maura, what are you doing here?" Standing in disbelief Jane could barely move let alone push Maura away this time. Her vision was still blurry but she could see that Maura was determined and didn't know if she was up for an explanation.

"Well I see you decided to drink yourself to sleep last night. I hope the hang over hurts." Walking towards the couch Maura immediately spotted the empty bottle on the floor and shamefully hoped that Jane's nuts had been as painful as hers.

"Oh yeah trust me my entire body including my hair hurts. Look I'm sorry for being such an ass yesterday." Walking towards Maura holding her belly trying not to vomit on her trendy french coat Jane was barely able to stand up but was determined to apologize. Despite knowing how understanding Maura was of her mood swings she had been too far this time, even she could see it.

"It's alright, I know you didn't mean to hurt me and I came here so we could talk and work passed what happened. So Jane tell me, I thought I was your best friend and that you always felt comfortable talking to me. Did I do something wrong, or perhaps you no longer consider my advice as worthy of your consideration ?" Turning around to face Jane Maura was determined to get to the bottom of this situation and wasn't willing to spare Jane anything. For once she was going to speak her mind even if she knew it might push Jane to into a deeper withdrawal.

" Oh sweetie, of course not, your advices are the best I'm ever given. You have this way of rationalizing and simplifying things that I love and that helps a lot when I'm confused." Her eyes slowly adapting to the brightest of the natural light that was filling up the room Jane could see the confusion but also pain in her friend's eyes.

"Then what it is? Did I do anything wrong to lose your trust?" Despite ending two hours writing down what she was going to say to Jane and another hour doing breathing exercises to prepare herself to apprehend the confrontation as relaxed as possible Maura was unable to control herself. Looking into Jane's eyes and remembering the violence of last night's events she could not rationalize her feelings or filter her words anymore.

"No of course not, you're…you're the only one I trust with my darkest secrets, fears and doubts but I just…I need time by myself to think to figure things out ." Taking a set towards her friend to try to comfort her Jane could see Maura's bottom lip slightly shaking and kew she was about to burst in tears.

"But I'm always here to need you figure things out." Maura mumbled her voice slightly trembling as she felt Jane's hand on her shoulder.

"I know but this time it's different. When or if I decide to tell you what has been bothering me it needs to be done the right way, with the right words when I'm ready and sure, do you understand?" Jane replied both her hands gently squeezing Maura's shoulders.

"Yes. No matter what is happening to you it seems to be important and I certainly understand your desire to consider it thoroughly before telling me because you're afraid that I might misinterpret your words but you don't have to Jane. What I like more about you is that you use your guts and your instinct. You're very spontaneous and it makes me the most honest and sincere person I know." Looking at Jane straight in the eyes feeling the tears rushing to her eyes Maura could not believe that Jane would do that to her, that after all they went through together she would keep thing that important from her.

"I know…"

"Then please just tell what is troubling you and we'll figure things out together, the way we always do, please no matter what it is I can handle it. I promise. " Swallowing hard, Maura decided to put her pride aside and almost begged her best friend to trust her one more time but had a feeling that she was pleading to a brick wall.

"I'm sorry Maura but I can't. I know how understanding and patient you've always been with me and I'm so grateful but this is something that I have to do on my own. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me."

"So you're asking me to just sit and watch you suffer?" Suddenly feeling the anger running through her veins Maura place her hands on Jane's chest and push her away as far as she could. It was her turn to express her frustration and anger.

"No, you won't have to watch it. I have a lot of vacation time available so I was thinking I could go away for a little while so I would spare you guys and so I could focus on understanding what is happening to me."

"Alright then, if you feel that's what you need. Good bye Jane." Walking towards the door turning her back on Jane Maura was suddenly much calmer because she knew there was nothing she could do. The bond that had kept them together all those years and helped them through hell and back was severed and Jane was the only one capable of fixing it and she ought it to her to give her the space she needed to do so.

"No Maura, wait. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." Rolling her eyes as she tried to keep Maura from leaving Jane knew she had screwed up and was scared that if she left town being on bad terms with Maura there might be nothing left of their relationship once she came back.

"It's alright Jane. I confided in you when I found out that I had a half brother and that my biological father was a mob lord and later when I was afraid of being a little bit like Hoyt because of the neglect I suffered from and because of my DNA but you can't tell me what is troubling you. I understand, in every relationship one of the two parties always gives more than the other." Maura sighed her hands on the door knob as she was still turning her back on Jane.

"Maura…" Literally hit in the stomach by Maura's pain and her words Jane realized that she was right : Maura had always been the giver in their relationship, the understanding and patient one without asking nothing in return and when she finally needed something from her she was unable to comply to her desire.

"I really hope you will find what you're looking for Jane, you deserve it more than anyone I know." Maura replied as she opened the door before disappearing closing the door behind her.

Standing there like a complete idiot Jane hated herself from hurting Maura so much but she knew it was for the best. She knew that until she was ready to admit her feelings for her and to talk about it staying in Boston and seeing her everyday at work would be too painful.

Actually she didn't even know if she would ever be able to accept her feeling and to share them with Maura let alone act on them but she was convinced that to do the work she needed to do to figure things out she needed to be away from Maura and she was hoping she would someday find it in her to forgive her for pushing her away.

**So guys, more angst… I have a very precise idea of what I want this story to be. I have the next 4 chapters planned and I can't wait for you to read them.**

**As always feedback is highly appreciated!**

**Do you understand Jane's need to be alone to think about her feelings so she can explain them to Maura better? Do you think she will ever accept her feelings and share them with Maura or that she wills tea in denial for ever?**

**Thanks for reading!**


	4. Dear Maura

**Chapter 4:**

**Dear Maura :**

The next monday Jane drove to the station and went straight to her Captain's office to give him her report on their last case and make a formal request for some vacation time. After receiving Cavanaugh's approval she drove back home packed a few things, grabbed Jo Friday and decided to hit the road without saying goodbye to anyone knowing her mother would probably burst into tears and try to keep her from leaving.

As much as she loved her mother and her brother and as carrying and supportive as they were she needed time to gather her thoughts and knew that stepping foot in the family home put an end to her desires. Her entire life Jane Rizzoli had done everything to be a good daughter, to be a good example for her brothers and most importantly to be an exemplary police officer. Obviously Detective Jane Rizzoli wasn't the kind of person who enjoyed following the rules, she was a leader at heart but always had this visceral need to please and take care of the people she loved. She always felt compelled to take care of her brothers, to bail them out when they found themselves in dangerous or even illegal situations. Her entire life Jane had been the rock her entire family and circle of friend could lean on but after thirty five years of taking care of other people the rock started to shatter and she felt it was time for her take care of her and to start doing things for herself, by herself.

After almost 6 hours straight of driving Jane found herself in need of some gaz for her car and after filling up her tank decided to look for a place to spend the night.

After checking with the local police station Jane drove to a very charming bed and breakfast that an officer had recommended. The place was a charming little farm in the middle of nowhere owned by a very warm couple in their late sixties. Stepping out of her Jane could barely believe how gorgeous and peaceful this place was. Having being raised in the city Jane only rarely had the opportunity to visit the country let alone a place like this.

Looking around her as she closed the door behind Jo Friday all Jane could see around her were the trees and fields surrounded the farm, horses roaming around freely and all she could hear was the sound of the wind gently tickling her ears.

Taking a deep breath of fresh hair before walking towards the door Jane had a feeling that this was exactly what she needed, that this little piece of paradise was the perfect place for her to gather her thoughts and eventually come to terms with her feelings.

Arriving at the door Jane was extremely surprised to find it wide opened and after knocking twice on the door frame took a shy step inside followed by Jo Friday.

"Anyone home?" Jane shouted as she took a step inside the house before dropping her bag on the floor.

"I'm here, I'm here. I'm Mrs Ryan but you can call me Margaret. You must me Detective Rizzoli, please come in." The older woman said inviting her to step into the living room.

"Yes, it's very nice to meet you. I suppose Officer Lafferty called to tell you I was coming." Jane replied smiling through green teeth.

"Yes he did, you know people in small town look out for each other and he wasn't sure he was home. So I hear you're from Boston?"

"Yes Ma'am. I drove all the way from Boston with my dog Jo Friday. I hope you don't mind me staying here with her." Jane asked grabbing Jo Friday on her lap as she sat on the large sofa .

"Of course not. This is a farm young lady, we have 6 horses, 5 cows, a dozens hens, and also ducks and geese and two dogs so as long as she doesn't try to kill my hens I see no objection about her staying with you."

"Good." Jane nodded patting Jo Friday to try to keep her quiet.

"So what's bring you here to our beautiful town?"

"Nothing in particular, I just needed to escape from the city you know to gather my thoughts and work on some stuff. I found myself out of gaz back in town and decided to stay for the night but driving here I realized that I might have found the place I was looking for."

"Well I'm glad to hear that. You're welcome to stay here as long as you need. Ever since my husband passed away last year I have been feeling a bit lonely and I'm always happy to meet new people." Mrs Ryan replied looking down at her wedding bands, a tear at the corner of her eye.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear about your husband."

"Oh don't be, we were married for 45 years, we raised three beautiful children together. We had a wonderful life together. He died during his afternoon nap, a massive heart attack and according to the doctor he didn't suffer a bitut I suppose it was just his time, but enough anyways let me escort you to your room. " Mrs Ryan smiled whipping a tear of her cheek as she suddenly stood up and walked towards the stairs leading towards the first floor.

"Sure." Nodding as she followed the older woman Jane was amazed by the amount of pictures on the walls, pictures of her and her husband, their children and grand children. Mr Ryan wasn't lying, it really seemed that she had had a wonderful life.

"Well here we are, it's not the Ritz but you have your own bathroom and a direct view on the river. Feel free to freshen up and I will see you in a bit for dinner if you want. Come with me Jo Friday I'm sure you're also starving."

"Thank you." Looking around as she dropped her back on the floor Jane immediately felt home. This house was actually very much like the one she grew up in, warm full of pictures and memories of a happy life filled up with scream of children running around.

For the next two weeks Jane lived a very simple life free of stress and responsibilities. Her days were strangely filled up with a certain routine that Jane learned to enjoy. She would wake up around 7 am, would have breakfast with Mrs Ryan listening to her rambling about her children and grand children who lived in the city and who according to her didn't visit as often as they should. She would then take Jo Friday for a walk along the river or lie down on the grass for hours looking at the sky before joining Mrs Ryan for lunch. Her afternoon were as quiet and satisfying. She would either help Mrs Ryan around the farm or in the kitchen or take one of the horse for a ride.

Strangely Mrs Ryan Jane and Jane immediately became friends. She reminded her of Angela on so many levels. She was carrying, very active and instead of letting the workers care of her farm would wake up everyday at six to feed her animals before preparing breakfast for the two of them. But what reminded her most of her mother was that she could spend hours telling her stories her husband and their children, about the wonderful life they had together rambling on how much she loved her babies and how proud she was of the wonderful adults they grew up to be. But unlike Angela she wasn't intrusive or overbearing and despite feeling Jane was hurting didn't try to coerce her to confide in her. She had raised two girls and knew that forcing Jane to talk if she wasn't ready wouldn't help her at all.

Against all odds and to her big surprise Jane slowly started to open about to Mrs Ryan about Hoyt, the shooting and most importantly about Maura. Obviously she wasn't the sharing type but being here, feeling free of any professional or personal obligations Jane started to feel in peace and more incline not only to reflect on her feelings. for Maura but also to share them with someone else. Mrs Ryan didn't know her therefore couldn't judge her and maybe that's why Jane felt so comfortable talking to her about Maura. So only a week after meeting her Jane found herself sitting in the kitchen peeling apples confessing having romantic for her best friend.

After acknowledging her feelings to herself for the first time and to her new friend Jane find herself assaulted by a million questions, questions that didn't seem to find an answer yet.

That sunday afternoon Jane was sitting against a hundred year old tree patting Jo Friday looking at the river in front of her unable to stop thinking about Maura. She truly missed her. She missed talking to her, she missed seeing her, god she missed hearing that contagious laughter of hers. Unfortunately ten days after leaving Jane was still not ready to go back to Boston and face Maura, actually she didn't even know if she wanted to go back. She knew that if she ever set foot in Boston Maura would want her to explain her behavior and she didn't know if she was capable of explaining it to her. She knew without a doubt that she was deeply in love with her but wasn't ready to accept those feelings let alone confess them to Maura. Actually she was scared to death of confessing her feelings not because she was afraid that Maura might not share her feelings but because she was afraid that she might. She knew that having a relationship with Maura was out of the question, not only because Maura deserved better but better she couldn't be gay. She was raised in a catholic family and went to a catholic school and despite never hearing her parents condemning homosexuality she knew deep down that it was wrong of her to be in love with another woman, especially when this woman was not only her best friend but only way out of her league. Yes Jane wasn't ready to go back to Boston and deal with Maura and with the consequences of a potential confession. She knew that Maura would want to talk about it extensively and that she would insist on helping her accept her feelings and that if she shared those feelings she would want to engage in a relationship with her and as off today she wasn't ready for any of that.

"Are you thinking about that Doctor of yours?" A warm voice suddenly spoke a few feet behind Jane.

"Yes I am. Maura is all I can think about." Jane replied forcing a smile.

"How do you think she feels right now?" Mrs Ryan asked settling next to the Detective.

"I think that she goes to work everyday, that she does her best to keep a straight face but that when she comes home at night she climbs in bed and cries herself to bed the way I do." Scratching her scars as she said those words Jane had no trouble picturing Maura's life without her because she felt the same way, their bonds had be severed and she could barely breath and knew that Maura was probably also suffocating.

"Then maybe it's time for you to do something. I'm not asking you to drive back to Boston and to go down on one knee to ask he to marry you. I get that you're not ready to face your feelings and to accept them let alone face her but I think she deserves to know the truth so I brought you this." She replied handing her some paper and a pen.

"You want me to writer her a letter?"

"Yes. You don't have to confess your feelings if you're not ready, just tell her that you're alright and that you're thinking about her. Tell her that you never meant to hurt her and that's why you left because being around her and around the people you loved most was to painful, that you needed time for yourself to reflect on yourself and on what you're going through."

"You're right. Not only I should apologize for treating her like I did but I should let her know that I'm alright. The only problem that I have is that I don't know if I will ever be able to go back to Boston. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and I hurts so much that I tell myself that I will never be able to be around her anymore, that even if I tell her how I feel being around her would be too painful."

"Then don't go back to Boston until you're ready to accept your feelings and to be with her."

"That's not going to happen, I can't be gay and even if I could Maura deserves better." Jane replied shaking her head.

"I think that's for her to decide not you. I think that after everything the two of you went through together and all the support she gave you she deserves to know the truth. Don't let her spend the rest of her life wondering why you left."

"I know, thank you."

"You're welcome. I will let you alone for a little while. I will be with the horses if you need me."

"Alright." Holding the pen in her hand and the paper on her lap Jane knew that Mrs Ryan was right, that Maura deserved to know the truth.

_Dear Maura : _

_It's been a little over almost two weeks since I decided to leave Boston and I know that despite hating me for hurting you so much you must worry sick and I wanted to thank you for not calling or texting me._

_I know that I probably don't deserve your forgiveness or the time you're spending reading this letter but really needed to tell you something and I hope you will read this letter until the end._

_First, you need to know that I'm so sorry for hurting you so much. Believe it or not but I don't push people away on purpose. Trust me or not but I wish that I could just sit down and spill my guts to you but I can't._

_Ever since I left I replayed our last conversation in my head a thousand times and I think you were right when you said that you're the giver. I realize now that I took from you more than I could ever give you in return and I think that this abusive behavior from my part needs to stop._

_What I'm going through right now is… Actually I have no words to describe it yet, I don't know how it happened or when or even why it is happening to me but I know that it's killing me and that I needed to finally acknowledge it and let it out._

_Please do not think that I don't want or need you by my side because I do. I know that if you were with me and if I explained things to you that you would find a way to rationalize and to make them so simple that I would have no reason to torture myself trying to understand._

_Unfortunately understanding my feelings is only the first step. I know that the second step is acceptation and that's not something I'm ready for yet and I don't think I'll ever be._

_Reading this letter I'm sure that big brain of you must be wondering what in hell I'm talking about and I think you deserve to know._

_I believe you deserve to know why I pushed you away but I don't think I have it in me to look at you in the eye to confess this to you. Please forgive me for being a coward._

_The truth is that I love you Maura, I mean I'm in love with you. I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw arriving at that first crime scene. I remember cursing you because we had been waiting for you for thirty minutes and weren't allowed to touch the body. I remember seeing you getting off your luxurious car wearing those high heels and fancy dress thinking that you were probably coming from a runaway or something. _

_At first I thought that working with you was gonna be the biggest challenge of my life because not only I couldn't understand half of what you were saying but also because you weren't like me at all. You were calm and methodical almost anal when it came to follow protocol when I usually used my guts._

_ Actually I think that you annoyed me as much as you fascinated me. _

_You know we met a few weeks after I came back to work after Hoyt took me the first time and I must say that spending time with you was the distraction I needed._

_You were so different from other people who were constantly treating me like a victim, asking me if I was okay, if I was sleeping and eating well. _

_You were the only person who didn't look at me with pity look you know. You always treated me like you would have if we had met before it happened._

_I can't tell you how many times my mother came unannounced to my apartment to clean or cook and started asking questions I wasn't ready to reply to._

_When that happened the only place I felt safe was your house. I remember storming out off my apartment leaving Ma behind and driving to your place knowing you wouldn't ask me about it, that we would just spend the evening together eating chinese food and watching tv._

_I know that you studied Hoyt extensively, that you wanted to be ready in case he ever came after me again but you never asked me to give you any insight into his rather disturb personality. You always respected my privacy and my pain and I wanted to tell you that it meant a lot to me back then._

_Look who's rambling now. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for everything you gave me without ever asking anything in return. You brought me back to life without even knowing it and I love you for it._

_God I realize it's the first time I actually say those three words out loud. I'm not going to play dumb with you and pretend that I wasn't aware of my feelings before because trust me I fought them as hard as I could for as long as I could._

_Unfortunately I can't fight my feelings anymore Maur', it's just too hard but I can't accept them either. I can acknowledge them, but I can't accept them because I'm not ready to face the consequences._

_I don't know if you share my feelings and I don't want to know because it doesn't change anything. You and I can not and should not be together, ever._

_I have spent the ten days considering it carefully and I came to the conclusion that the only way for me to finally be in peace with myself is to get you out of my system and to do that I need to stay away from you, that's why I decided not to come back to Boston. _

_Please don't hate me but I just… I know it would be too hard for me to work with you, to be close to you. I know that every time I'd look at you I would love you a little more but that I would also die a little bit more from the inside because I know for a fact that nothing good could ever come out of this situation._

_Please be happy, find someone who loves and respects you the way you deserve, someone who treats you like the lady that you are._

_Please know that you will always have a special place in my heart, that you will always be the woman who brought me back to life._

_Don't forget me because I won't forget you._

_Love always,_

_Det Jane Rizzoli._

Sliding the letter into the envelope Jane was unable to hold her tears. After spending two weeks torturing herself trying to make the right decision she had finally made it. She had decided not to ever go back to Boston, to start over hoping that Maura would someday be able to forgive her and to move on with her own life. She knew that going back to Boston would only make things worse for both of them, that because she wasn't and would never be ready to accept her feelings being close to Maura would be a torture for both of them, especially now that she had confessed her feelings to Maura.

She knew that Maura would stop at nothing to try to understand and help her and that being the stubborn asshole that she was she would continue to push her away over and over until there would be nothing left of their relationship.

Maura deserved better, she deserved someone who respected her and who wasn't scared to death of her feelings, someone who could make her happy and give her the fairy tale life she deserved.

Closing the envelope Jane knew that falling out off love with Maura would probably take years if not for ever but it didn't matter. All that mattered to her was that she would never hurt Maura again, that by staying away she was keeping her safe from her and it didn't matter if being away from her killed her from the inside.

**Alright guys, I hope you enjoyed this new chapter. **

**I decided to include a new character in that story because I'm convinced that Jane needs help and that she won't be able to cope with her feelings on her own.**

**So question is : how much do we like Mrs Ryan? And how much did we like the letter? I can tell you it was hard for me to write it and I hope you enjoyed it.**

**I think that next chapter will be Maura's POV. I know this story is about Jane but I want you guys to know how Maura feels about this whole situation and to show you how she's going to react when she receives Jane's letter.**

**Thanks for reading. I hope that you're excited about this new story as I was and that it's not boring you to death .**

**As always your reviews are my drug, don't worry I have a high tolerance and I won't overdose :)**


	5. Maura's POV

**Chapter 5:**

**Maura's POV :**

Twelve days. It has been twelve days since Jane had decided to leave Boston, twelve days since Maura had her heart broken by her best friend.

For the past two weeks Maura had done her very best to keep up appearances at work and to hide how affected she truly was by Jane's sudden departure.

In order to do so she decided to commit herself to a very strict daily routine : she would wake up every morning around six o' clock to feed Bass and do some yoga exercises for about an hour before taking a quick shower and driving to work secretly hoping that she would find Jane sitting at her desk.

When she was at work she would limit her contacts with Detectives Frost and Korsak to a strict minimum and would send them emails or texts if she had any pertinent informations on their current case.

Nobody knew that Jane had left after a heating argument and they were all convinced that she just decided to take a well deserved vacation and she had no intention of revealing the real reason behind Jane's sudden departure.

Maura didn't know when or if Jane was coming back and the last thing she wanted was to make a fuss out of it and cause pain to her friends, especially to Angela whom she knew would worry sick.

Unable to confide in any of her friends about the argument she had with Jane before she left or to share her concerns with them Maura had quickly isolated herself from the group.

She systematically refused to have lunch with them or to go Dirty Robber after work finding a new excuse every time they invited her.

The truth was that the only thing that kept Maura going was work and when her day was over all she had the strength to do was to drive home, have a quick and tasteless dinner before climbing into the safe cocoon her bed had become.

Despite replaying their last conversation over and over in her head Maura could not figure out what kind of secret could be so dark that Jane didn't feel comfortable to talk to her about it and lead her to literally skip town like a criminal.

_" I wonder what happened to Jane for her to push me away that hard but what ever it is it must be something new. I don't think that she has been having nightmares about Hoyt or the shooting because not only it wouldn't affect her that deeply but she would tell me, or at least I hope so. _

_Then what could it be? What could have happened that made her shut down completely?Was it that the last case we worked on together? I don't think so, it was a regular murder case, one male victim killed by his wife for having a child with another woman. Of course this crime was horrendous in its nature and execution but nothing Jane can't handle._

_Did I do or say something wrong? That must be it! I must have said something that hurt her and made her revaluate our friendship._

_Did I criticize her wardrobe, her careless attitude or her lack of manners while we're eating in a way she felt was offensive? No that can't be it. Jane wouldn't leave me for something that insignificant, she knows me and that I don't mean to be condescending or shallow and that all those remarks are merely banter between friends._

_Oh my god what have I done? What am I going to do if she never comes back? How am I going to survive without her? It's been 12 days and I already lost my appetite or the desire to exercise and because I think about her constantly I barely have enough focus to do my job properly. _

_Let's face it, my life is empty and meaningless without Jane, my heart is empty without her to fill it up with love and laughter._

_If only she would just come back to me and let me apologize I would tell her how sorry I am for what ever I did that hurt her so much and made her to leave. I would put my pride aside and beg for her forgiveness and I would tell her how much I love her._

_Because yes I love her, I'm madly in love with her and It took me to lose her to finally face and accept my feelings. _

_Oh God, I promise if you bring her back to me that I will not let a day pass without telling and showing her that she's everything to me. Please just bring her back to me safe and sound." _Crying herself to sleep that night Maura who wasn't a religious person started to pray for the first time in years, she prayed for a divine intervention, for a sign, for something or someone to show her what to do.

_Obviously she wanted to go after Jane and beg her to come home but she had known her long enough to know that pushing her would only push her to withdraw further. She knew that if Jane was ever to come back it would have to be on her own terms, when she's ready._

_Until then she would have to find a way to survive, to stay strong and to trust that no matter what was troubling Jane could not be stronger than their bond. She needed to remain optimistic and to prepare herself to welcome Jane home, because she was convinced that she was going come home. Deep down she knew that the Jane she knew and love would ever leave her friends and family behind without a proper good bye._

_So the next morning Maura reluctantly dragged herself out of bed around six AM, walked towards the kitchen and prepared herself a fresh pot of coffee._

_Sitting at her kitchen table going through her mail her heart almost stop when she saw an envelope wearing Jane's hand writing._

_"Jane." _Maura said to herself as she impatiently opened the envelope almost tearing it into pieces.

Gently pulling the letter from the envelope Maura's heart was hammering her chest so fast that she had to take a minute to breath and gather her thoughts.

After two weeks without a phone call or a text Jane was finally giving her some news. Were the news good or bad? That was the question she asked herself as she slowly unfolded the letter hoping that her friend was alright.

Taking a deep breath before reading the letter Maura was unable to hide her emotion and started to cry.

Wandering her fingers on the thick paper Maura could almost feel Jane's pain through the words, it was so intense that it almost pierced through the paper.

Reading Jane's point of view on their first meeting and the start of their professional relationship and friendship Maura had to admit that Jane was right and started to smile imagining her friend cursing at her and even started to laugh as she remembered everything she had put her through and how patient Jane had always been with her.

Unfortunately the smile on Maura face brought by the thought of happy memories they had once shared was immediately broken when she reached to the part of the letter where Jane confessed her love for her.

Reading Jane's heart breaking love confession Maura was finally able to understand Jane's behavior, to understand why she pushed her away.

When her eyes laid on those three magic words every woman on earth dreamed to hear Maura's first reaction was to be relieved knowing that Jane didn't leave because she mad at her and also to be incredibly overwhelmed discovering that Jane could share her feelings.

Unfortunately her heart immediately shattered into pieces when she realized that Jane wasn't willing to accept her feelings and had planned to erase those feelings by staying away from Boston for good.

Far from being weakened by Jane's decision Maura shoved the letter back into the envelope and noticing the postmark on the upper right corner smiled convincdc that this letter was more a cry for help than a final goodbye.

"If you think I'm going to let you leave me like that you're wrong. I'm going to find you and fight until you decide to listen to me. Even if it means going down on my knees I will bring you back home Jane." Maura said to herself as she whipped the tears of her face.

Going to work that day Maura felt stronger than ever knowing why Jane had left her. Obviously knowing Jane it wasn't hard for her to understand why the idea of being in love with her scared her so much that she would leave town. She knew that despite acting like she didn't care Jane was very sensitive to what people said about her and could only imagine how devastated she would be if people started to gossip about her sexuality. She knew that Jane had worked twice as much as any men in her unit to prove herself and to get the respect she deserved and that she was probably convinced that admitting her homosexuality would weaken her reputation.

Also Maura knew that Jane had been raised in religious environment and that she even went to a catholic school and how important religion was for her family and for Angela in particular.

Observing Jane through the years Maura knew how much she loved her family and that she was always doing her best to be the best daughter and sister as possible and to live up to the expectations that came with being the oldest child.

Unfortunately Maura had a feeling that despite knowing how much Angela loved her Jane was afraid that she would somehow reject or even disown her if she found out she was in love with another woman.

Putting herself in Jane's shoes Maura started to understand the reasons for Jane's sudden departure and knew that overcoming all those obstacles that made her deny who she was to herself would be the biggest challenge of her life.

But luckily for her Maura had faith in her and in their bond and love. She knew if they had survived Hoyt, a hostage situation and Jane shooting herself they could overcome anything as long as they stayed by each other side and knew that as long as Jane allowed her to help her she had a chance to convince her that there was nothing to be scared of.

The only problem was how was she going to convince the most stubborn woman she ever met to change her mind and to let her in?

**Alright guys, short chapter. I was tempted to end it with a cliffhanger but we all know that Maura is gonna go after Jane right?**

**Next chapter will be Maura going to that little toen where Jane is hiding :).**

**What do you think about Jane writing a letter instead of an email?**

**I mean she's a Detective and she knew Maura would have no trouble finding her thanks to the postmark right?**

**So was it a cry for help?**


	6. Welcome to Berlin, Vermont

**Chapter 6:**

**Welcome to Berlin, Vermont.**

The next day after making sure all her paperwork was in order and that Cavanaugh didn't have any objection to see her taking a leave of absence for an undermined period of time Maura went home packed just strict minimum and after giving Angela detailed instruction regarding Bass' diet drove to the airport her heart filled up with hope but also with apprehension.

Despite being convinced that this letter was a cry for help Maura was nervous to see Jane again and was hoping she wouldn't violently push her away again.

Sitting comfortably in her business class seat her fingers clenched around the precious letter Maura was trying to draw the strength and courage she needed from it to stand up to Jane and not back away if she decided to push her away again.

Looking through the window Maura knew that this was their last chance, that if she allowed Jane to push her away this time and if they didn't find a way to overcome this that they probably never will and she was determined not to let Jane's fear and stubbornness pull them apart and destroy what took them years to build.

Around four PM Maura finally landing and after taking a deep breath of fresh air decided to start looking for Jane.

"Berlin, Vermont, here I come." Maura said to herself as she sat behind the steering wheel of her rental car.

Taking a minute to collect her thoughts Maura started to go through the guide the car rental agency had given her and had a feeling that finding Jane in such a small town shouldn't be a problem.

Looking at her watch Maura suddenly realized that it would be dark soon and that she better find a place to stay for the night.

Not knowing who to ask for some recommendation on a nice hotel Maura instinctively drove to the local police station and was greeted by officer Lafferty who was more than happy to once again recommend Mrs Ryan bed and breakfast and to draw her a detailed map to the farm.

Driving the few miles leading to the farm her window opened Maura suddenly felt more relaxed and confident and could easily understand why Jane had chosen such a place.

"Vermont is such a beautiful state, the lakes, landscapes, mountains. No wonder Jane has been hiding here. I bet the fresh air and space calms her down and allows her to reflect on her situation without being disturbed by the noise we have in Boston." Maura said to herself as she finally reached Mrs Ryan's farm.

Taking her sun glasses off as she stepped out of her rental car Maura's breath was taken away by the beauty of this place. Far from being disconcerted by her surroundings Maura, who had spent most of childhood vacation in the south of France was delighted to spend some time in the country far from the noise and pollution of the city and from her professional responsibilities.

"Is there anyone home?" Maura shouted as she shyly knocked on the door before stepping into the house amazed that there was still places in this country where people felt safe enough to leave their door opened.

"Yes, please come in oh…you must be Maura, nice to finally met you. I'm Mrs Ryan but please call me Margaret. " Mrs Ryan said coming from the kitchen holding a tray containing two large glass of iced tea and some home made cookies.

"You know who I am?" Maura mumbled narrowing her eyebrows at the older woman.

"Of course I do, Jane told me all about you and Officer Lafferty called me to tell me you were coming. Please follow me in the living room. I made some fresh mango iced tea, the weather is so hot at this time of year and you must be dehydrated after such a long trip." Mrs Ryan replied guiding Maura to the living room. After two weeks of listening to Jane talking about Maura she was finally able to meet her and was delighted that she had traveled all the way to her farm to try to make things right and was convinced that it was probably the proof of love and determination Jane needed.

"Yes thank you." Sitting on the velvet couch in the middle of the living room Maura could barely believe how lucky she was to have found Jane without even trying and couldn't help but thinking that if Jane had talked about her it meant that she was probably thinking about her.

"Here you go darling, so was it the post mark that give you Jane's location?" Looking at Maura, trying not to stare Mrs Ryan realized that Jane hadn't lied about her, that she was exactly the way she had described ; beautiful, smiling and with an obvious taste for fashion.

"Yes. I had the opportunity to come to Vermont when I was younger but I had no idea where Berlin was so I checked on the internet and book a seat on the next flight. When I arrived I rented a car and drove to the police station hoping they would recommend a place to stay for the night. When the officer mentioned that I was the second person from Boston to visit your town over the past two weeks I knew I was at the right place but I didn't know Jane was staying with you." Maura replied taking a sip at her tea trying to sit as straight as possible, eager to make a good impression.

"Yes, Jane arrived two weeks ago and just like you was advised by officer Laffterty to come to my farm. He knows I feel a bit lonely since my children moved out and now live out of state so he always tries to send tourists to the farm." Mrs Ryan replied pointing at the pictures of her children spread all over the wall of the living room.

"You do have a beautiful family. I know that Jane's mother has trouble living without her children under her roof despite the fact that they still live in Boston and see her almost daily so I can only imagine how hard it is for you to be by yourself in such a vast farm." Looking around her Maura immediately felt as comfortable as she felt in Angela's house before she and her husband separated. The walls were full of family pictures and it was obvious that this farm was full of memories.

"It's hard but I have the workers who live with me and from time to time I have tourist like Jane to keep me company."

"May I ask where Jane is at the moment?"

"She's probably having a nap somewhere on the farm. It's almost time to prepare dinner so she should be here soon. Don't worry." Mrs Ryan replied her hand on Maura's knee trying to reassure her. Despite not knowing Maura at all she could see how nervous she was and knew the amount of courage and strength it had taken her to swallow her pride and fly all the way to her little town despite being obviously scared of being pushed away again and she was determined not to let that happen.

"Maybe I should not have come. Though she didn't specifically told me not go after her in her letter she made it clear that she wanted to forget all about me and our relationship." Suddenly realizing how bold coming here was Maura started to have trouble breathing. What if she had made the biggest mistake of her life? What if what Jane truly needed was time and by coming she was actually compromising every chance she had left to see Jane coming back to her?

"I think she's trying to convince herself that she wants to stay away and forget all about you but in reality she's just scared to death. She did send you a letter knowing that you could trace her using the post mark. I think subconsciously she wanted you to find her." Gently rubbing her back Mrs Ryan knew that Maura needed to be strong and confident, that if she showed any sign of doubt Jane would probably see it as a lack of desire and would push her away again. Jane needed Maura to fight for her and to take things into her own hands and Mrs Ryan was determined to help Maura gather her confidence so she could share it Jane later to eventually start working on their relationship.

"Yes. I found it odd that she would send me a letter when she could have send me an email. "

"I know and I'm glad you are here. I only met her two weeks ago be I can tell how hurt she is and I can feel that you're the only one that can help her get trough this. I think this letter was a cry for help." Despite not knowing Jane that well Mrs Ryan could tell how stubborn, pride and reluctant to ask for help but had a feeling that things were different with Maura, that she was the only person she wasn't scared to be herself with.

"So she talks about me?" Maura asked a sudden smile enlightening her face. She knew that if Jane was talking about her it meant that she must have been reflecting on her feelings and their relationship and was glad that she finally decided to stop being in denial about what was happening to her.

"Maura." A deep, familiar voice suddenly spoke from a distance.

"Jane." Immediately feeling shivers down her spine as she heard Jane's very distinct voice Maura quickly turned around and was surprise to find her wearing an old jean, boots and a cow boy hats but most importantly she was smiling and looked healthy.

"You came." Taking off her leather gloves before shoving them in her back pocket Jane was surprised to see her, she had sent the letter only four days ago and didn't expect her to come that quickly.

"Yes, but please don't be mad at me. I'm not here to try to persuade you to come back to Boston. I just want to talk and I promise you that I will leave immediately afterwards if you want me to." Standing up before taking a step towards her friend Maura despite not seeing any anger on Jane's face was still afraid of being rejected once again.

"It's okay, I was expecting you to come. " Looking at Maura straight in the eyes Jane was far form being embarrassed or nervous to see her because she knew she wouldn't be able to keep Maura away from her for ever and had spent the past four days preparing herself for this confrontation.

"Really?"

"I did send you the letter by post. You're the Chief Medical Examiner not to mention you have an IQ of over 150 and being you I knew you wouldn't be able to resist coming. Please follow me."

"Alright." Giving a quick look over her shoulder to Mrs Ryan Maura's heart rate starting rising. She had spend the past 24 hours preparing herself to be rejected and had even prepare a speech in case Jane had refused to talk to her and was completely disconcerted by Jane's warm attitude.

Taking a deep breath as she tried to gather her thought Jane started towards her favorite tree, the same tree she was leaning against when she wrote that letter.

"This is my favorite place in the entire farm. I was actually siting right here when I wrote that letter. Please sit down." Jane nervously said offering Maura her best spot under the majestic tree.

"This is really a wonderful place Jane. It's so quiet and peaceful and the air is so pure." Maura replied as she carefully settled on the grass.

"I know right? I never thought I would enjoy a place like that but I do." Jane replied sitting at reasonable distance from her friend.

"What do you do all day?" Looking at the river a few feet away Maura could only imagine how wonderful and simple life must be in such a place.

"I help around the farm with the animals or in the kitchen. You Mrs Ryan is a great cook and she likes when I assist her and when I'm not helping around I just take long walks along the river with Jo Friday or I just lay down in the grass with my iPod. It's a very simple and refreshing way of living."

"I think it's exactly what you needed." Looking at her friend Maura could see how relaxed and happy she seemed and knew that the fresh air and solitude was exactly what she needed.

"I think so too. I just couldn't be in Boston anymore. I mean having to be that strong, courageous, responsible Detective people look up to was just too hard and I couldn't do it anymore. "

"I understand, your family, friends and also the public look up to you. They expect you to protect them, to be a role model that always does the right thing and though it can be gratifying it can sometimes be weight that can be too heavy to cary on one's shoulders."

"Exactly. Look Maura, I'm so sorry for leaving without giving you an explanation and I hope you can forgive for being such a coward and telling you how I felt on a letter." Avoiding eye contact Jane knew that Maura would bring up the subject at some point and for the first time she didn't want to run. She and Maura had a lot to talk about and she felt really to confide in her for the first time.

"Don't apologize. Actually I think letters are such a wonderful way of communication that we should use more often. "

"Yeah I agree but I was still a coward."

"No, you weren't. You weren't ready to confess your feelings and I completely understand." Maura replied reaching for Jane's knee, squeezing in gently.

"It's just that I feel so pressured to be that person people expect me to be that I never have the opportunity to be myself or do things for myself like sit down and reflect on my feelings. Being here, completely free to work on my issues at my own pace without having to worry about work or Ma's constant identity crisis I was finally able to acknowledge my feelings and to find the most appropriate way to express them, you know."

"Were you able to come to term with them?"

"No and I don't think I'll ever be able to which is also why I left, being around you knowing I will never be able to accept or act on those feelings hurts too much Maura. I'm sorry." Jane replied shaking her head, feeling the tears streaming down her face.

"Don't apologize Jane. I understand exactly why you feel you'll never be able to accept those feelings." Maura replied cupping Jane's face to force her to look at her.

"Oh you do now?"

"Yes I do. I understand that you're scared of what people might think and that you believe that being with another woman would weaken your reputation and that you're afraid that your colleagues might start gossiping about you and lose all the respect that took you years to earn. I also believe that that even if you you know how much she loves you you're terrified that your mother might disown you because she raised you catholic and the Bible clearly condemned homosexuality. I also believe that for some reason you're convinced that you're not good enough for me." Gently stroking Jane's face with her thumb Maura was determined to show her that she understood her fears and that they weren't impossible to overcome.

"Congratulation Dr Phil you know me better than I thought." Jane smiled as she felt a couple of tears reaching her lips.

"I'm sorry Jane, I didn't mean to assume anything."

"No, you're analysis was spot on. Now you understand why I had to leave town and why I will never be able to accept myself."

"I think you're easy to put yourself down Jane. You're the strongest person I know and I believe you can achieve anything if you truly put your mind to it."

"What if I don't want to or what if I'm not strong enough?"

"Well that's what I'm here for, to give you the strength to face and accept your feelings. As for the desire to do so I think it's buried deep down under all the fear and that you wouldn't have sent me that letter if you really wanted to erase me or those feelings from your life." As determined as she was to take things down and to allow Jane to take her time Maura was also convinced that Jane needed her to stand up to her and not to let her push her away and that more than anything she needed her to be confident for the both of them.

"I don't know, Maura."

"But I do but as I said I'm not here to coerce you to do anything you don't want or don't feel really to do. I only came here to tell you that I was here if you needed me but I will take the first flight back to Boston is that's what you need and want me to do." After telling her what she came here to say Maura was now giving Jane the choice to either ask her to leave or to stay so they could work on Jane's issues. She knew that she could not force her to have the desire to do something about her current situation and that the decision had to come from her.

"I know. You've never been intrusive. Actually you're the only person who always respected my personal space and desire for privacy maybe that's why I always confided in you, because I never felt pressured to."

"I know Jane and I intend to continue to be respectful of your wishes and your personal space."

"I don't know if I want you to stay Maura. God I can barely look at you knowing that you know how I feel." Covering her face with her hands Jane was suddenly embarrassed and despite not feeling that Maura was looking at her differently now that she knew how she felt could not bring herself to look at her.

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about Jane."

"That's easy for you to say. I spilled my heart to you in that letter, I feel completely naked and vulnerable now."

" Would it help it I told you how I feel?"

"You don't have to do that."

"No it's quite alright Jane. I also used the past two weeks to reflect on our relationship and on my feelings and I feel confident confessing them to you."

"I'm listening." Suddenly Jane realized how selfish she had been thinking she was the only one who was hurt and needed to reflect on her feelings and that Maura must have spend hours just like her thinking about her analyzing and re evaluating their relationship.

"It took me a while to realize and to face it but I love you Jane, I always have and always will. I think I loved you from the moment I laid my eyes on you at that crime scene. I looked at you and immediately felt attracted by that confidence and intelligence you were displaying and when I got to know you better I discovered someone who's not only brave and extremely devoted to her job but also someone who's kind and caring and who could literally go to hell and back for someone she cares about. I think I never felt safer or more cared for and about in my life and I owe it to you Jane. It's you Jane, it's always been you." Biting her bottom as she finally allowed herself to confess her feelings to Jane Maura wanted to kiss her but knew it was too soon, that Jane despite sharing her feelings was far from being to act on them.

"Wow, now you're freaking me out."

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to. I just thought knowing how I felt would make things easier for you."

"No it's alright. Thank you for being honest. Look Maura, I know you probably expected this to change everything but it doesn't. Knowing you share my feelings doesn't make me feel more comfortable. I don't want to mislead into thinking that if you stay I'll accept and act on my feelings because I seriously doubt I 'll ever be able to." Knowing that Maura felt the same way comforted her somehow but also scared her to death and put even more pressure on her.

"It's alright Jane. I understand that you're not ready and I'm not expecting anything from you. I just miss my best friend and I thought we could just spend a few days together. I could really use the fresh air too." Despite dying to finally act on her feelings Maura knew that for now all she could ask for was Jane's friendship and that she would have to be content with what ever Jane would give her.

"Well as long as you don't expect anything from me…"

"I don't, don't worry about it. I just want to spend time with you."

"Alright."

That day the two women spent another hour laying on the grass talking about everything and nothing in particular. Unable to look at Maura in the eyes but also to ask her to go away Jane knew that Maura would not force her to do anything she was ready for, that she genuinely missed spending time with her. Obviously she knew that ultimately Maura would want them to start working on accepting her feelings but for now she felt confident that Maura wouldn't push her. They were friends again and all she wanted and was ready to do was just show Maura around and share her new favorites activities with her hoping that spending time together far from Boston would bring them closer and would give her the strength she needed to face her deepest fears.

**Hey guys!**

** I realize this chapter was a bit boring and that the writing was a bit mechanical but for some reason I didn't manage to do better. :(**

**I hope you still enjoyed it and that you're excited about Maura being with Jane again and to see how things are gonna unfold in the next few chapters.**

**At first I wrote this chapter with a lot of angst with Jane pushing her away again and asking her to leave but then I realized that she expected her to come and that it didn't make any sense for her to push her away again.**

**I'm not promising Jane is gonna make big progress anytime soon but at least she had the courage to ask Maura to stay. That's a start right?**


	7. Trying

**Chapter 7 :**

**Trying : **

After an hour of small talk Jane and Maura walked back to the house just in time for dinner.

"You are finally back." Smiling as she saw the two women stepping into the house Mrs Ryan had a feeling that the two had just shared a very emotional and intimate conversation and couldn't wait to find out if Maura was going to stay of if she needed to kick Jane's butt to make her set her straight.

"Yes…We needed to talk." Jane replied as she carefully took her hat and boots off knowing how tough Mrs Ryan was when it came to the cleanness of her home.

"Well how about you show Maura her room and help her with her luggage? I tried to carry it myself but it was to heavy." Mrs Ryan replied pointing Maura's suite case hoping that she would love fly back to Boston the next day.

"That's because Maura needs to have half her wardrobe with her at all times." Jane replied rolling her eyes.

"For my defense I didn't know what the weather would be like here and what wardrobe would be appropriate for me to wear here in Vermont so I brought a little of everything." Maura replied following Jane to the stairs leading to the first floor.

Watching the two women walking away teasing and making fun of each other Mrs Ryan had a feeling that the conversation they had just shared must have been constructive must have allowed them to express their negative feelings and was hoping that their apparent serenity would last as long as possible. Unfortunately Mrs Ryan knew that this conversation was only the first stone to rebuild their relationship and that the journey towards understanding their feelings and accepting them would be long and though but she was hopeful that both women would do everything in their power to reach that goal because it was really clear that they were meant to be together.

"So this is your room. It's not the Ritz but the beds are incredibly comfortable not to mention that the place is as quiet as they come. The bathroom is down the hall, feel to freshen up before dinner or maybe you would prefer my room, it has its own bathroom." Stepping in the large room located right next to hers Jane realized that Maura would probably feel more comfortable with her own bathroom.

"Oh no, I don't want to chase you form your bedroom, I like this one very much. The view is spectacular." Maura replied instinctively reaching out for Jane's forearm.

"Mmm, yeah. I go the bathroom but you have the best view. Anyway I should let you get settle. Dinner should be ready in half an hour." Jane replied taking a step back towards the door. Feeling Maura's touch was something she was accustomed to in the past but right now it didn't feel natural, not after everything they had went trough over the past couple of weeks and shared over the past couple of hours. Despite knowing Maura didn't mean anything by it Jane wasn't ready for that kind of intimacy again.

"Yes, thank you. Where is Jo Friday? I haven't seen her around." Maura replied taking a step back as well as she saw the obvious discomfort on Jane's face. She knew that it would take time for Jane to accept her affection and that she would have to be really careful with her displays of affection.

"She's…I have no idea where she is. I haven't seen her since lunch. I'm sure she must be with Mrs Ryan's dog Betsy. The two of them are inseparable and spent hours roaming around the farm. "

"I'm sure she enjoys the space and pure air as much as you do and I'm glad she made a new friend."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure she's never gonna want to leave this place and to be honest I'm sure that I will either." Jane smiled as she slowly walked away closing the door behind her.

Truth be told Jane was perfectly happy living here on the farm and didn't consider being here as an escape from the trouble life she had in Boston anymore. Despite spending her entire life convinced she was born to be a cop she could completely see herself living here, raising chicken and horses. Even if the idea of being away from her family broke her heart she knew that at some point she was going to have to start living for herself and that if being truly happy meant staying here for good she will have no choice but to gather the courage to make that decision.

Two hours laters after a rather quiet meal Jane decided to go to bed exhausted after her long day helping around the farm.

Maura on the other hand despite being exhausted could not bring herself to go to bed yet and decided to take a bowl of fresh hair and to enjoy a quiet moment on the wooden long chair placed in the front porch of the house.

A warm sweater on her shoulders as she looked towards the immensity of the landscapes before her Maura took a minute to close her eyes and thank God for giving her a second chance. She knew the next few days or weeks would be critical but she was determined and eager to prove herself to Jane no matter how long she would have to stay here. She would not fly back to Boston without her.

"May I join you? I thought you'd might like some tea." Mrs Ryan said holding two large mug in her hands.

"Yes please. Despite being tired I can not bring myself to sleep." Maura replied thanking Mrs Ryan with a quick nod.

"I understand that. Today was a very critical day for you and I can only imagine the millions thoughts that must be going through your mind right now." During the entire dinner Mrs Ryan respected their privacy and didn't want to corner them by questioning them about their conversation or their plans for the future but now that Maura was alone she was eager to learn more about her not only to see if the picture Jane had drawn was accurate but to also hear her side of the story and see if she could be of any assistance.

"Yes. I must say that I prepared myself before coming here. I spent the entire night prior to my arrival considering every possible case scenario and I had a speech prepared for every single one of them."

"But let me guess : once you laid your eyes on Jane you forgot them all and you spoke with your heart?"

"Yes. I was actually expected her to push me away violently and to ask me to go back to Boston without even giving me a few minutes so I was completely caught of guard when she invited me to go for a walk so we could talk. I didn't say anything I was planning to say and said things I never thought I would." Flying to Berlin Maura's intentions were never to confess her feelings for Jane, at least not right away because she was convinced that Jane would feel even more pressured and would as a consequence put her away. Luckily for her Maura was apparently wrong and it seems that Jane needed them to be on equal foot and to be reassured that her feelings were shared.

"Being spontaneous is always better, it's more sincere and I'm sure Jane needed that."

"I suppose you're right. The problem is that I have no idea on how to proceed from now on. She told me that she didn't really want to see me go back to Boston because she missed me but not to expect anything from her. She made it really clear that she wasn't ready to face and accept her feelings and that she probably never will. I don't even know why she wants me here."

"She wants you here because she loves you and despite what she might try to make you and herself believe she does not want to erase those feelings. She's not ready yet to accept them but I believe she wants to. If you think about it why would she ask you to stay here knowing that she would see her feelings resurfaced every time she would look at you if she truly wanted to erase them?"

"I think you're right. She probably needs to slowly get accustomed to them before facing them and accepting them." Nodding Maura finally started to understand Jane's behavior and intentional or not it started to make sense to her.

"Exactly my thought. It's like when you go outside and you look at the sun. You could lower your head and put sun glasses on but you can't help but looking at it until your eyes get used to the brightness.** "**

"Because you know that even if looking at it is uncomfortable at first the sun is good for you, that you just need time for your eyes adjust to it."

"Exactly and after a little while the brightness doesn't burn your eyes anymore. You start feeling the warmth on your skin and it becomes enjoyable. She just needs time and reassurance that you're willing to do things her way and go at her own pace."

"I am. I really want us to take her time to rebuild our friendship but I believe that pushing her a little once in a while can be beneficiary. I know Jane, she needs to be encouraged from time to time other wise she settles down in her issues and starts drowning." Maura knew that the most difficult part would be to find the perfect balance between being respectful of Jane's need to take things slow and being completely passive.

"I agree and the two of you are welcome to stay here as long as you want. I was married for over thirty years and I know how hard it is to build a strong relationship." Gently reaching for Maura's arm Mrs Ryan could not help but remembering her own marriage with her late husband. They had been married for over thirty years and had raised three beautiful children together but had encountered their share of trouble and she was hoping that her experience would be beneficiary for both Jane and Maura.

"Thank you. Your generosity and kindness is highly appreciated." Smiling Maura was truly grateful to have someone she could talk to, someone who wasn't biased by her feelings like Angela or any of their friends would. She could only base her advice on what Maura and Jane told her and on what she could see in front of her and it was refreshing to be able to lean on someone who wouldn't take side and who had such a great life experience and who was willing to share it with them.

The next morning Jane woke as usual around 7 am and after feeding the animals and taking a quick shower decided to prepare Maura's breakfast as a way of apologizing for her behavior.

"You certainly smell better now." Mrs Ryan laughed.

"I don't sweat much but I'm not rarely careful and get dirty easily. Anyway I was thinking that I could prepare Maura's breakfast and bring it to her, if that's okay with you. I know how territorial you are with your kitchen."

"Oh Jane, your mother would be so proud of you." Her right hand on her heart Mrs Ryan was openly making fun of Jane who had never set foot in her kitchen until now and was happy to see that she was willing to go out of her comfort zone for Maura.

"Laugh all you want but why would I invade your territory when I know that you're such a good cook." Battling her eye lashes Jane was completely comfortable bantering with Mrs Ryan the same way she would with Angela.

"Valid point. So what does your Doctor have for breakfast?" Mrs Ryan replied inviting Jane to join her behind the kitchen island.

"Unlike me she eats very healthy food and considers breakfast as the most important meal of the day. I think I'm going to make her pancakes with some fresh orange juice, tea and soe strawberries I collected this morning." Jane replied pointing out the basket she had use to collect vegetables and various fruit from the garden behind the house.

"How thoughtful of you Jane." Grinning Mrs Ryan couldn't help but feeling that Jane was genuinely repentant for the way she treated Maura and how determined she was to make it up to her reminded her of how inventive her husband could be trying to make it up to her "after an argument.

" It's not much but after all I put her through hell for the past two weeks it's the least I can do." Jane replied shrugging her shoulders as she started to gather everything she needed to make Maura the best pancakes possible following her mother's recipe.

"I hope you're gonna do more than just bringing her breakfast in bed."

"I'm gonna try but I don't want to be ambiguous. I want my best friend back, nothing more."

"For now."

"I…Don't know yet. Right now she knows that I just want to spend time with her the way we used to and she seems to have accepted it. I was thinking I could take her on a horse ride around the ranch. " Truth be told Jane knew that Maura was hoping that their reconciliation would lead to a possible romance but that she would not push her and she felt almost guilty for being so selfish.

"I understand and you can take as much time as you need. Here you're far from the pressure of the city, of your job or of your family. Just be yourself and try to have fun. Maybe you could take her for a horse ride around the farm."

"That's exactly what I was thinking. I know she's a really good rider and I'm not too bad myself so it could be fun." As she started to prepare Maura's pancakes Jane was hoping that the tranquility of the farm and the fresh air would smoothen the atmosphere and allow them to spend some quality time together.

Half an hour later after making sure that everything was perfect Jane finally walked towards Maura's bedroom a large tray in her hands.

Listening through the door Jane quickly understood that Maura was still sleeping and very quietly opened the door.

Seeing Maura comfortably sleeping as she stepped into the bedroom Jane couldn't help but being relieved to see her friend so peaceful after two weeks of what she suspected must have been depraved of any descent sleep.

"Maura, sweetie, wake up." Jane whispered gently whipping a strain of her away from Maura's face.

"Jane? What time is it?" Maura mumbled as she slightly tried to accustom her eyes to the brightness.

"It's almost nine a clock. Looks like you needed the rest." Pouding at her friend Jane could see how tired she still was and almost wishes she had let her sleep longer.

"Yes. Yesterday was rather intense. Did you bring me my breakfast to bed?" Slightly sitting up in bed Maura's attention was immediately caught by the smell of fresh pancakes and orange juice.

"Yes. Here." Jane replied reaching out for the tray before installing it on Maura's lap.

"Oh Jane, that's so sweet of you, but you didn't need to do that." Looking down as the tray containing her pancakes, orange juice, tea and a rose Jane had probably found in the garden behind the house Maura was overwhelmed. She sure was used to Jane's kindness but didn't expect to see that side of her ever again.

"Yes I did. Anyway take your time and feel free to take a shower afterwards. We have all day." Avoiding direct eye contact Jane was a bit embarrassed and was hoping Maura wouldn't read too much into her small gesture.

"Do we have plans?" Licking her lips in anticipation as she started cutting her pancakes Maura was eager for Jane to show her around.

"Yes we do, but that's a surprise. Join me downstairs when you're done." Jane replied knowing that staying with her while she had breakfast would be slightly uncomfortable.

"Alright, thank you. Oh and Jane, I'm glad that I'm here." Maura replied smiling at her friend who was almost at the door already.

"So am I Maur'. Enjoy your breakfast."

Sitting up in bed enjoying every bite of her home made breakfast Maura was full of hope and had a feeling that Jane was really trying to mend their relationship and she was hoping that this neutral and peaceful environment would help them achieve that.

**Alright guys, this chapter was rather short. I just wanted Maura and Mrs Ryan to have a conversation and for Mrs Ryan to encourage her to hold on and to continue to believe in Jane and in herself.**

**At the end of the chapter Jane seems to be remorseful for her actions and wants to make it up to Maura. Next chapter will hopefully be full of fluff. Right now they need to mend their relationship and once they feel comfortable with each other again they might start working on taking things to the next level. It's going to be a slow and painful process so expect many steps back but it's worth it.**

** I hope you don't find this story boring but you know me, I take things slow but it's always worth it!**


	8. One step at the time

**Chapter 8 :**

**One step at the time : **

Half an hour later after finishing the breakfast Jane had prepared for her Maura took a few minutes to fix her hair and get dressed.

Standing in front of the mirror, buttoning her red flannel shirt before shoving it inside her levi's jean Maura was extremely nervous and could barely breath normally.

"Come on Maura, just breath and relax. You're not spending the day with President Obama or her Majesty the Queen of England. You're going to spend the day with your best friend, the only person on earth who always made you feel safe and comfortable. Things are slightly different now but you can not show how nervous you are or stare at her wondering what she's thinking or how she's feeling otherwise she might shut down completely. You need to be confident and relaxed. Come on Dr Isles you can do this." Maura said to herself as she took a deep breath before walking out of her bedroom.

Stepping out of the house Maura immediately saw Jane standing between two beautiful horses.

The one on Jane's right was palomino, about 5.6' high with a white spot on his forehead, a light cream mane and tail while the other was black with white pasterns.

"Look at you Dr Isles wearing an old pair of jeans and a flannel shirt." Jane smiled amused to see her friend wearing something other than designer clothes for a change.

"Well, I figured that wearing my usual wardrobe here would be not only inappropriate but also unpractical so I packed more comfortable and casual clothes. Do you recognize this shirt?" Maura replied taking a step towards Jane.

"Wait a minute…Yes, I do. You kept it all those years?" Looking more carefully Jane immediately recognize the shirt she had given her a couple of years ago after Jo Friday had relieved herself on her while they were watching TV.

"Of course I did. I remember washing it and bringing it back to you the next day but you insisted that I kept it because you felt that and I quote " _Every girl should have a flannel shirt in her closet for long cold winter nights._" So I kept it and wore it on several occasions." Slightly hiding behind one of the horses Maura couldn't confess that she had worn this shirt to bed many times because it smelled like Jane and made her feel safe.

"And that's exactly why I gave it to you. Anyway this is Pumpkin, she's six years old and a bit wild but you're an experimented rider so you should be fine." Jane replied hand her the reins.

" Yes I am. My boarding school offered horse riding practice as one of its extra curricular activities and I also had a private teacher at my disposal when I was in the states. I practiced at least three times a week from the age of ten until seventeen." Maura smiled as she gently started to caress Pumpkin's muzzle.

"Good. I think we're ready to go." Jane replied inviting Maura to climb on Pumpkin's back.

"Yes we are. Thank you but I think I can manage on my own. " Maura replied as she gathered the reins while gripping the a bit of mane with her left hand. Placing her left food in the stirrup, putting all her weight on it Maura then quickly swung her right leg over Pumpkin's hind quarters.

"Alright." Smiling as she watched Maura adjusting the stirrups before making sure her reins weren't twisted Jane could see that her friend was an expert and that she didn't need her help.

"What's in that basket?" Maura asked as she slightly turned her head over her left shoulder. Closing her fists with her thumbs folded around the reins as she tried to sit as straight as possible Maura was perfectly comfortable and eager to show her riding skills to Jane.

The saddle Maura was settled in was a typical western saddle, that thanks to its pronounced cantle was very comfortable. It was equipped with an horn and covered with leather. Despite being used to more traditional english straddle Maura had no trouble adjusting her posture and knew that riding it for hours at a stretch wouldn't be an issue.

"It's our lunch. The weather is on our side today so I figured we might as well make a day out of our little ride and have a picnic. I know just the perfect stop right next to the river. Please follow me." Jane replied as she climbed on her horse and naturally took the lead towards one of her favorite spot.

"Brilliant idea."

For the next hour Maura followed Jane along the river listening to her telling her how Mrs Ryan's husband had inherited it from his father who had inherited it from his own father and how devastated he would be knowing that none of his children was willing to take over.

After an hour or riding at a relatively slow but steady space Jane finally spotted her favorite three, the one she had leaned against while writing the letter that had brought Maura to Vermont.

A few minutes later Jane and Maura were comfortably and very casually lying on the blanker Jane had packed looking at the river before them.

"You really weren't exaggerating, this spot is spectacular." Wearing a pair of Chanel sunglasses Maura was laying down, her boots off.

"I know right? When I need to think I just come here and lay on the grass. I don't know if it's the silence or the view but I really manage to do some serious thinking here. Actually I wrote the letter leaning against that tree." Pointing the magnificent tree a few feet from them Jane suddenly felt inclined to share more about what had lead her to write such a letter.

"Really?"

"Yes. I had spent the day trying to put my thoughts together because I knew that either you or my family would come after me at some point and that I could no continue to avoid facing what was happening to me. After hours without seeing me Mrs Ryan came to check on me and brought me some paper and told me to write to you, that even if I wasn't ready to face or act on my feelings you still deserved to know the truth and that you hadn't done anything wrong to make me leave." Jane was sitting next to Maura, her legs were lifted up against her chest and she was looking straight at the river in front of her. Starting this conversation she knew that Maura would jump on the opportunity to confront her for her cowardliness and she wasn't willing to look at her in the eyes.

"Haven't I? I mean. I understand that the feelings you developed for me scared you but I don't understand how you could confide in me about Hoyt what did to you, about your nightmares or about the shooting or even about your parents getting a divorce but you couldn't bring yourself to talk to me about the romantic feelings you obviously developed for me? Is being in love with me such a horrible thing compared to everything else that has happened to you?" Sitting up as she tried to catch Jane's eyes Maura, for the first time in a long long time spoke without carefully considering her words first. She had promised Jane to take things slow and to respect her desire to be friends without bringing that sensitive subject up but being here next to her Maura was unable to keep her promise, seeing Jane hurt was too painful.

"Of course not. In a way falling in love with you saved me after Hoyt took me the first time and your support and love helped me after the shooting literrally brought me back from the dead. I was miserable for the entire three months I was off the job but you came to visit me everyday, you listened to me ramble over what had happened and about my parents for hours without ever complaining. I don't know if I would have made it and kept my sanity without you. Really."

"Then what is it that is so painful that you refuse to face and accept it?" Pushing Jane's button Maura was hoping that Jane would finally confide in her so she could start helping her accordingly.

"You! Loving you is too painful! In a way those feelings saved me but they're also killing me. Looking at you is more painful than looking at those scars or looking Hoyt in the eyes, you're even haunting me in my dreams and when I wake up I'm more petrified than I am when I dream about Hoyt." Palming her face with both her hands Jane hated that Maura was so rational and knew that if she wanted her to understand how she felt she would have to explain things in a much deeper way but didn't know if she was even able to do so

"But I'm never going to hurt you Jane, I hope you know that." Maura replied slightly sliding closer to Jane.

"I know. It's not you that's hurting me it's those feelings and that's why I can't go back to Boston because if I do I'll have to face you everyday I won't be able to erase those feelings."

"How about you try not to erase them but embrace them instead?"

"I can't do that Maur' and you know it." Shrugging her shoulders as she slightly chuckled Jane was almost amused that Maura could suggest such a thing but knew she was serious .

"No, I don't. I know that you're scared of what people might think and that you're scared of your own mother disowning you because of her religious beliefs. I also suspect that you believe that being with another woman would weaken your reputation and that you're scared that your colleagues are might start gossiping about you and lose the respect it took you years to earn."

"Good, you understand why I can not go back."

"I do and even if I don't believe that avoiding the problem is going to help I was thinking that we could always stay here and start over where no body knows and will judge us." Her hand on Jane's shoulder Maura was hoping that her offer would help Jane feel safer and less pressured to come back to Boston. She was hoping that if Jane could be herself and embrace her feelings in a neutral environment maybe she would start to slowly accept her them and build up enough strength and confidence to come out to her loved once and eventually move back to Boston.

"You're not serious! You have a life, a career, friends in Boston."

"They mean nothing to me Jane, not if you're not in my life. To be honest with you I could use some fresh air and some quiet time away from my professional responsibilities and duties. How about we take things slow, one step at the time and see where it leads us?"

"I… I can't. It's not that simple Maura. There are so many things that keep me from accepting myself the way I am that have nothing to do with people's opinion or judgment and that can't be solved by simple being here, free of being myself."

"Trying to deny them won't help either. I know you have your own way of dealing with your issues and I always respected it but you can't expect me to sit here and watch you drown over something that is probably the most beautiful that ever happened to us."

"You're absolutely right, what is happening to us should be the most wonderful thing in the world but until I'm ready to face it as such, can we just be best friends?"

"I don't know about that Jane. Having to watch you wear those jeans, boots and cowboys' hat is excruciating and I don't know how long I can manage to refrain myself from tearing your clothes off and jumping your bones." Smiling at her own joke Maura knew that she had pushed Jane enough for today and that she needed to bring them back to a much lighter and enjoyable conversation and atmosphere.

" I always suspected that you had a thing for cowboys but please try to handle yourself. Mrs Ryan might be open minded and supportive of what ever is going on between us but I think the last time this farm has seen that kind of action was during the Clinton administration and I don't want to shock her." Jane replied smiling back at Maura whose head was resting on her left shoulders.

"Alright, I'll do my best." The two women spent the rest of the morning sitting on the grass, Maura's head resting on Jane's shoulder and her arms snapped around her. After confronting Jane Maura decided to back off for a little while and felt that despite being reluctant to accept her feelings Jane was obviously not denying them anymore and that she had slowly started the acceptation process. Luckily for them Maura had all the time in the world and was determined to stay in Vermont with Jane possibly for ever if that's what she needed. Despite knowing what a fighter Jane was Maura suspected that on that particular matter she would be more inclined to let herself drown and was and to confront her from time to time to help her take a few more steps towards what she knew was meant to be.

**Hey guys and girls! I'm so sorry for not uploading this story. To be honest with you I haven't felt that inspired about it but since people have been asking me when I was going to update it I figured I could give you a confrontation wrapped in some fluff.**

**I don't really know where this story is going. I was thinking that I could fast forward a week or so in the next chapter and have Jane have another wet dream and Maura confront her about it and things could go south and get pretty intense...**

**Feel free to check my new stories " Loss" and " Until death do us part" !**

**Thanks for the support.**


	9. Not again

**Chapter 9 :**

**Not again : **

For the next two weeks life went on for Jane and Maura at Mrs Ryan's farm in Berlin, Vermont.

After a couple of necessary but painful conversations the two women had finally find their back to being friends.

Confiding in Maura about her feelings and the pain it had caused her somehow liberated Jane who was now more comfortable looking Maura in the eye.

Maura on the other hand was happy to spend some quality time with Jane fishing, horse riding or simply enjoying a sunny nap under their favorite tree. Unfortunately despite this apparent happiness Maura was still fairly frustrated by Jane's refusal to face and accept her feelings and knew that the more she would deny them, the deeper Jane would drawn .

Unfortunately despite knowing Jane needed to be pushed and encouraged Maura was not willing to destroy what they had spent weeks to rebuild and was determined to enjoy the time they spend together to the fullest.

Today was a very symbolic day : it marked the first month anniversary of Jane's arrival in Berlin. To celebrate this important day and to thank Mrs Ryan for welcoming her and Jane in her home Maura decided to cook one of her favorite meal. After an entire afternoon in the kitchen Maura decided to take a well deserved break and walk to the river while the lamb was finishing cooking.

A few hundred yard from the river Jane and Mrs Ryan were comfortably sitting in front of the porch drinking a cold beer after a hard day of work around the farm.

"So how are things going between you and Maura?" Over the past month Mrs Ryan had observed Jane and could see how relaxed and happy she was now compared to the miserable, lost soul she was when they first met and knew that it was most likely because of Maura's presence over the past two weeks.

"Things are going well. I think we both needed to have an honest talk about the reasons that lead me to leave and why I'm so afraid of my feelings and as painful as it was for me to face those fears and confide in her about it I feel relieved." Jane who took a sip at her beer knowing she was about to have another of those serious conversation with Mrs Ryan was sitting on a wooden rocking chair and she was looking straight towards her, unwilling to look at her friend in the eye while she dissected her emotions.

"So now that you acknowledged your fears, what's the next step, fighting and overcoming them?" After spending a month with Jane, living, talking with her for hours Mrs Ryan knew how shy and secretive she was and that she had not told her to go to hell with her questions and her pushing out of respect for someone of her age and she was determined to use it to push Jane further.

"I'm not so sure about that Mrs Ryan. I told Maura that the reason for my refusal to accept myself the way I am and act on my feelings was because I was not only afraid of my catholic mother's reaction and because I was scared of losing my professional status and the respect of my fellow officers but there are things I haven't told her yet. All put together those reasons seem pretty impossible to overcome."

"Everything is possible when you have someone who loves you as much as Maura does and who's willing to give up her whole life to be with you."

"You don't have to remind me of how great Maura is and how lucky I am to have her. God I'm such a jerk. She's here in an unfamiliar environment she never chose, away from what she loves the most because she's hoping that with time and patience I will finally come to terms with my feelings. I hate that she's being so trusting and optimistic and by letting her stay I feel that I'm misleading her." Holding the beer bottle in her right hand Jane squeezed it as hard as she could hoping it would break so she could feel some of the pain she had caused to the woman she loved.

"Then ask her to leave."

"You know as well as I do that I can't do that. I need her to breath as much as I need oxygen and I feel that I'm using her knowing to well that I'm never gonna be able to give her what she wants and deserves." Jane replied clearing her throat. That was her true dilemma : she could either let Maura go and be miserable for the rest of her life knowing she broke her heart and gave up the best thing that could have ever happened to her or keep her close and selfishly take every bit of happiness Maura would bring her knowing she could never give it back.

"I think you're being too hard on yourself Jane. I don't know her very well but Maura doesn't seem to be the kind of woman that allows people to use her. She's here because she wants and needs to and she's patient because she knows that what you're going through is a process and that she doesn't want to compromise the progress you have made so far by rushing you."

"I suppose you're right. Maura is someone who gives herself completely and who compromises a lot but only to a certain point. Proof is she came here to confront me and didn't hesitate to confront me after that first horse ride we took together."

"See…Don't worry about her Jane. The way I see it she will wait for you to be ready and will never force you to do or say anything you're not ready for but on the other hand she will not hesitate to push you from time to time when she feels that you need it. She's a keeper Jane."

"I know that, she's perfect. Speaking of Maura, have you seen her? I'm starving." Jane replied looking at her watch knowing that Maura had spent hours preparing dinner for them.

"I think she's by the river. She goes there every day doesn't she?"

"Yes she does, I think the sound of the running water and the view brings her as much peace and serenity as it does to me but she has a tendency to lose the notion of time when she's meditating, don't worry I'll get her." Standing up Jane cracked her vertebras by slowly drawing circles with her neck. After a month of working on the farm her body still seemed to have trouble adjusting and her entire body was sore.

As she walked towards the river hoping to find Maura there Jane came to the realization that Mrs Ryan was right, that she needed to trust Maura and allow her to take the lead knowing she would never force her to do anything she wasn't ready to.

A few minutes later Jane finally reached the river and her heart literally bursted out of her chest when she saw her friend coming out of the river wearing nothing but a tight white two piece bathing suit. Her hair and entire body were soaked with water and her suit flattered every curve of her body.

"Jane..." Looking up before quickly reaching out for the towel as she saw Jane standing a few feet of her Maura's face turned red not because she was ashamed of her body but because she knew Jane would be extremely uncomfortable about it.

"I…I'm sorry but dinner is ready…" Jane mumbled as she quickly turned around and covered her eyes. She had only taken a glimpse at Maura but it was enough for her to memorize every curve, every drop of water streaming between her gorgeous breasts and knew she would not be able to get that image out of her mind.

"I will be right there, just give me a few minutes to get change and dry my hair. " Watching Jane already walking away from her Maura quickly took her bathing suit of and after drying herself up jump back into her clothes knowing that dinner would be slightly awkward.

For the next two hours Maura, Jane and Mrs Ryan sat at the same table and shared the delicious meal Maura had cooked.

Despite being unable to look at each other in the eye Jane and Maura tried their best to keep the conversation going, unwilling to give any hint to Mrs Ryan that something had happened knowing she would put her nose in it.

Around nine o'clock after helping with the dishes Jane decided to go to bed without even considering taking her traditional evening walk around the farm with Jo Friday.

"Jane, wait!" Following Jane in the stairs Maura was determined to break the ice and make sure that things wouldn't be too awkward between them.

"Do you need anything?" Reaching her bedroom Jane opened the door without even looking at Maura in the eye.

"I just wanted to make sure that you're not embarrassed about what happened yesterday. We have been friends for years and we changed in front of each other numerous time so it's not like you saw something you had never seen before." Despite trying to be rational Maura knew that things were different this time, that now that they had confessed their feelings to each other every touch, every kind word would feel different and could be misinterpreted. She knew that the intimacy they had once shared was compromised and she missed it deeply.

"It's okay Maura. I was just scared that you might think I was prying or something, which I wasn't." Jane took a deep breath and turned around knowing that Maura would beat herself her for ever if she didn't reassure her and act like an adult for once.

"I knew you weren't, so we're good?" As she forced herself to smile Maura knew that Jane was lying to her but decided to let it go.

"Sure, I will see you tomorrow. If you're up to it you can help me feed the animals. Mrs Ryan is in town all day and I could use the help."

"I would love to Jane. Have a good night." Walking towards her room Maura was flattered and honored to be invited to help Jane feed the animals for the first knowing it was her favorite moment of the day.

For the next two hours Jane lied in bed trying to get that image of her head but she couldn't. All she could think about was Maura's body, her toned belly, her perfectly shaped breasts, her small but think legs, everything about Maura's body was arousing and reminded her of that dream that had lead her to leave Boston. Her head buried in her pillow all Jane wanted was to get up, walk to Maura's bedroom, slid in bed and worship her entire body like the world eighth wonder. Unfortunately despite knowing Maura would not object to that sudden excess of confidence Jane knew it would be unfair to use Maura for sexual relief and to keep the dreams away knowing she wasn't ready to give her more.

Around eleven pm, exhausted by an hard day of work around the farm Jane finally fall asleep hoping she would be safe from the grip Maura had on her mind and her body.

Little she knew sleep was the less safe place for her and around 6 am she woke up sweating, out of breath feeling her clitoris throbbing.

"Oh no, not again." Jane sighed as she lifted up her covers and saw the large spot on her sheets. Sitting up in bed, palming her face with both her hands Jane could not believe that this was happening again. For the past two weeks Maura and her had somehow managed to bring their relationship back where it used to be before she left but she had managed to keep the wet dreams away. Sliding her left hand inside her pajamas, feeling the warmth streaming between her fingers Jane started to wonder if allowing Maura to stay here was a such a good idea after all. She knew that what had happened the previous night might happen again and that if Maura and her continued to grow closer she would probably continue to have those dreams. Knowing she was not ready to make the dreams come true Jane started to consider asking Maura to go back to Boston knowing that she would probably not be such a good company if the dreams were to continue, that she would probably push Maura away and hurt her.

Yes, instead of embracing those dreams Jane was determined to chase them away for good even if it meant chasing Maura away as well.

**Alright guys and girls. I know you were all hoping for the dreams to come back.**

**I know you expected me to describe this dreams in details like I did in the first chapter but don't worry, you're gonna get graphic details eventually. I won't spoil you on the next chapter but it's going to be pretty intense. **

**Do you think Maura is going to let Jane push her away and leave Vermont or is she going to push her until she tells her about her dreams?**

**Feedback is always appreciated. I felt bad after writing chapter 8 because I thought it was terribly written but seeing all your nice comments cheered me up and motivated me to write this one :)**


	10. Living

**Chapter ten :**

**Living:**

Trying to catch her breath Jane fell back on her pillows and took a quick look at her alarm clock : 6 am, time to wake up and feed the animals.

Reluctantly dragging herself towards the bathroom Jane could feel the warmth streaming down her legs and wondered how she would be able to look at Maura in the eyes after having such an erotic dream and how if she could find a way to stop having such inappropriate dreams.

Stepping into the shower Jane immediately turned the cold water on and as the water started to stream down her entire body she took this opportunity to gather her thoughts. As reluctant she was to accepts her feelings Jane was not in denial anymore and knew that as long as she kept denying herself the right to act on her feelings the dreams would continue. Obviously her feelings for Maura were deep and sincere and weren't about sex but the tension that had grown over the past years and even more since Maura had arrived in Vermont had turned Jane's sincere love into an obsession that she was fighting harder than she ever fought anything in her entire life. Every time Maura was talking all she could focus on were her gorgeous and sweet lips, when they were lying on the grass napping all she could think about was her breasts, her belly that seemed to call her, to taunt her and she had to use all her will power to resist the urge to touch her friend.

After a quick shower Jane quickly jumped into her usual working clothes and very quietly made her way to the barn as not to wake Maura up.

Around 7 am Maura's internal clock unfortunately woke her up and thinking Jane must have started without her she simply jumped into an old pair of jeans and a casual shirt before joining Jane.

"I see you started without me." Her hand shoved in her pocket Maura casually stepped into the barn confident that Jane and her were okay.

"Yeah. I woke up a little late and I could not wait for you to get ready and I didn't want to wake you up." Jane was in Pumpink's stall , gloves on and a pitchfork in her hands and she was meticulously collecting the soiled bedding, gathering it in a big pile. Almost ignoring Maura's presence, Jane continued to work, avoiding eye contact every time she moved towards the wheel barrow to dump the soiled bedding she had collected.

"When I think about all the time I had to drag you out of bed to go running..." Smiling at Jane's commitment Maura tried to step into the stall but was blocked by the wheel barrow.

"I don't really have a choice. One of Mrs Ryan's guys quit the week and I offered to replace him. I have responsibilities and I can't bail on her."

"I get that Jane and I would be happy to help, so where do you want me to start?" Despite not having any experience in this particular field Maura was a fast learner and was eager to start.

"I'm good by myself, how about you go back to the house? Mrs Ryan should wake up soon so you won't be alone." Jane replied looking straight in Maura's eyes this time, determined to show her that her presence was not wanted here.

"But you asked me to come help you, don't you remember?" Maura replied frowning in disbelief.

"Well I have changed my mind, the same way I have changed my mind about you staying here. It's been two weeks, I think it's time you go back to Boston Maura."

"Wow, look who's grumpy that early in the morning. Why don't I go make you a cup of coffee I know you're not yourself until you have one." Taking a step back Maura was hoping that this sudden rudeness was only caused by Jane's bad morning mood and was not a result of the incident that had occurred the previous day.

"No Maura. This is me talking. This was a mistake and I want you to leave please. I'm sure Bass and my mother miss you, you know you're the daughter she never had."

"Is this what this is about? Do you feel that your mother doesn't miss you or misses me more because she phones me everyday and not you? Because you know as well as I do that she only calls me because you made it clear to her and every one else that you needed to be alone and that calling me is the only way she has to know if you're okay."

"Well you can tell her I'm perfectly fine and that I'm happy here."

"Are you? Are you pushing me away again because you're happy or because you're uncomfortable about what happened yesterday and refuse to face it. Look at me Jane." Suddenly things became really clear for Maura and this time she wasn't willing to let Jane get away cowardly so she grabbed her sleeve and forced her to look at her knowing that by looking in her eyes she would read her mind, or at least she was hoping to.

"You should not fool around someone who's got a pitchfork in her hand Maura." Jane groaned, her voice was aggressive and slightly deeper than usual and her eyes were threatening, Maura was pushing her buttons and she was about to regret it.

"You know what Jane? I'm tired of this situation. I told you I would wait for you to be ready but what I can not accept is you pushing me away like that. You want me to leave? Fine, I'll take the next flight back to Boston but know that as soon as I arrive home I will pack my things and you will never see me again Jane. I have been waiting for you for too long and we have been through too much together to let you treat me like that. I'm worth better than this." Just like that she was done. She was done being the one believing in them and fighting for something she seemed to be the only one to believe was worth it.

"No Maura, wait." That's not what Jane wanted. She did not want Maura to disappear from her life on a permanent basis. She just needed space and time and as Maura walked away she understood that she might have lost her for ever and as much as it hurt she could not let that happen.

"What? Do you need your shirt back?"

"Look Maura, I know that I'm fucked up and that I don't deserve your patience, understanding and even less your love but I do love you back Maura, I really do but I'm completely lost. I'm lost because I have never been truly in love before, sure I got some crushes on guys over the years but it was never love. When I think about you I want to change, to be a better person, someone who would be good enough for you to get married or have children with, someone you can trust and count on but I don't know how to be that person or if I even can, not when I feel I'm never gonna be able to be opened about who I am to my mother and the people I love or work with." Her speech wasn't prepared and the words literally slipped out of her mouth as they reached her brain, blurry and probably inadequate but she knew Maura would understand her, she always did.

"I already told you Jane, what ever is happening between us is our business and our business only. I told before that I would more than happy to build a life with you here, just you and me." As word slipped away from Jane's mouth they literally hit Maura in the face, their intensity and the sincerity in her friend's voice were overwhelming.

"I don't know how Maur'." Almost making her fall on her knees Jane's legs suddenly abandoned her. She had spent to many years and energy fighting herself and she could not anymore.

"Then let me show you." Maura replied as she quickly took a step towards Jane to prevent her from collapsing.

"Can you just let me finish this and wait for me at our usual spot? It shouldn't be long." Feeling Maura's strong arms around her and her warm voice caressing her ears Jane suddenly felt stronger, maybe not strong enough to be the person Maura needed her to be yet but enough to talk to her about her dreams.

"Take as much time as you need." Maura replied kissing Jane's forehead confident that her little ultimatum had had the effect she had hoped for and had scared Jane enough to grow some courage and finally tell her what she had been hiding from her ever since she left Boston a month ago.

About half an hour later Jane finally joined Maura next to their favourite tree with two cups of hot coffee and some apple pie Maura had baked the previous day.

"Here you go sweetheart." Jane said as she carefully laid the tray she was caring in front of her friend.

"Thank you. Maybe we should have breakfast before we can talk." Despite feeling Jane much more relaxed Maura could see the anxiety on her friend's face and knew too well what anxiety could do to someone's ability to be clear and concise.

"No. It shouldn't take long. I just want to get this off my chest." Sitting next to Maura Jane's legs were lifted up her chest and she was still unable to establish a proper eye contact.

"Come on Jane, just breath. I promise you that what ever you have been keeping from me won't change the way I feel about you. I love you." Sliding closer to Jane Maura started to pat her back with her hands hoping that slight physical contact would comfort her and not scare her away.

"I know. Actually I'm pretty sure you're gonna find it intriguing and even amusing and that you're going to tell me that it's a perfectly normal phenomena that I shouldn't be embarrass about it." Slightly shivering as she felt Maura's breath on her cheek and her hand on her back Jane was perfectly aware of how ridiculous the situation was and was hoping they could laugh about it in the near future.

"Well I am a scientist and as such it's important that I keep an open mind and I try my best not to judge people."

"Good. So where do I start? Do you remember me telling you that Jo Friday had been feeling neglected and used it as an excuse to go home early that friday? I think you knew it was an excuse because you came to my place to check up on me and I remember not allowing you in and slamming the door at your face."

"I remember. I went home after that and try to make sense of what had happened and tried to analyze your behavior and when I confronted you again the next morning you told me you were planning on going away for a while to clear your head." How could Maura ever forget the day Jane had told her she was going on vacation for an undetermined period of time, leaving her behind in the blur?

"Yes, well there is a reason why I acted distant and decided to fly town. As you know I have been fighting my feelings for you for a long long time and I managed to keep it together pretty well until something happened that made me face those feelings and I wasn't ready for that."

"What happened Jane?" Maura replied as she reached out for Jane's hand and started rubbing her scar with her thumb.

"I dreamed about you."

"That's perfectly natural Jane. We literally spend our days together and I often dream about you too." For a genius Maura was sometimes clueless and it didn't make things easier for Jane.

"Not that kind of dream Maura…." Slightly shrugging her shoulders Jane gathered enough courage to turn her head and look Maura in the eyes. She needed to see her reaction knowing that her eyes couldn't lie.

"Oh…I see…Would you be willing to share that dream with me?" Unwilling to pry and invade Jane's privacy further Maura was none the less curious and also flattered.

"I don't remember it in details but I woke up sweating with that vivid image of you naked, on top of me."

"So you let me be on top, how thoughtful of you." Maura's right hand was still drawing small circles on Jane's back and her left hand was still rubbing her arm and with that joke she was hoping to lighten the atmosphere.

"It's not funny Maura!" God sometimes Jane hated Maura's ability to laugh about everything and and to keep her sense of humour in any situation.

"I know. I'm sorry for being insensitive but there is nothing to be ashamed about. You have been repressing your feelings for so long refusing to talk about or even thing about it and I think those dreams are a way your subconscious has to force you to face them."

"I know and that's why I had to leave. As I said I had my feelings almost under control and I had been able to work and be friends with you for several years but having that dream I knew that I had lost the little control I had and I needed to get it back."

"I understand. Would it be a fair assumption to say that you had another dream last night?"

"Yes I did. Maybe it was because I let my guard down and allowed myself to get close to me again or maybe it was seeing you wearing that bikini but yeah I had another dream. Thankfully I woke up before I had the chance to… you know."

"Climax? Did you climax the first time?" The last thing Maura wanted was to make Jane feel even more uncomfortable but she wasn't able to control herself and literally chocked on her saliva when she realised that Jane had climaxed just by dreaming about her.

"Yes I did. Oh please don't look at me like that. It's already embarrassing enough as it is." Jane mumbled as she shamefully buried her head between her knees.

"No Jane. It's not embarrassing. I know you're not the kind of woman who gets bothered easily and I'm flattered that the simple thought of having sex with me made you climax." Maura replied as she gently tossed a strand of Jane's hair behind her ear.

"Well, I certainly prefer to be waken up by an intense orgasm than by the thought of Hoyt pinning me down with his scalpel…" Slowly rising her head Jane was feeling a bit better knowing that Maura wasn't judging of making fun of her but the embarrassment was still here.

"I'm glad if I helped the nightmares go away." Maura replied as she gently cup Jane's face with her left hand.

"You did Maura, way before I had that dream."

"I'm glad. " Maura was smiling and her face was only a few inches from Jane's. The ME who was always so confident in her seduction techniques and who never hesitated to take the first step was suddenly unsure on how to process. Should she kiss Jane and take the risk to see her push her away again or should she give Jane some time and allow her to take the lead taking the risk to lead her to believe she didn't feel the same way?

"So what do we do now?" The strong, independent Detective who was a team leader at work but also in her personal life didn't know what to do and what action to take and was desperately waiting for Maura to lead the way .

"We start living." Gently moving her head towards Jane Maura gathered all the courage she had in her and kissed her. It wasn't a passionate and wet kiss but a very gently and sweet kiss. As their lips finally touched Maura started to brush Jane's with the tip of her tongue gently pressing on them hoping Jane would grand her access.

Slightly shaking Jane whose eyes were closed completely gave the control away and shyly opened her mouth to welcome Maura's tongue and as their tongues started to tangle together she felt her heart rate increasing and her heart pinning but strangely never felt so calm and confident in her entire life. She didn't know what that kiss meant yet but it was good and she was determined to indulge herself for once and enjoy this moment fully.

**Hello my dear readers : I wasn't expected so many reviews and vivid reactions when I posted the last chapter. I love how invested and passionate you all are about this story!**

**I hope you weren't shocked by Maura's ultimatum but enough is enough and there comes a point when you just can't take it anymore right? I hope the way I dealt with this incident and had Jane confide in Maura about the dreams satisfied you. **

**So they kissed. What do you think it means? Are they like a couple? How is Jane going to react afterwards? I think we can all feel that Jane wants this and she's gonna make a lot of efforts to open herself to the idea of being with Maura but there will be a few set backs.**

******I don't know if your noticed but I changed my style a bit to see if I could make my writing more visual. I'm just trying new things and see if it works :)**

******Thanks for the support.**


	11. The definition of courage

**Chapter 11:**

**The definition of courage :**

"God, I suspected you would be a good kisser but I think I have underestimated you." Slightly breathing out Jane took a last quick taste at Maura's sweet lips by gently stroking them with the tip of her tongue before finally breaking the kiss.

"You've seen nothing yet." That kiss might have just been the shortest but yet most intense experience of her life and despite feeling her legs shaking and her heart hammering her chest Maura tried to keep her confident composure .

"Feeling cocky much Dr Isles?" Strangely Jane didn't feel compelled to run off like she thought she would. She knew that Maura was just teasing her and that she had all the time in the world to think about taking that step and therefore was perfectly calm and in control of her emotions.

"No, I'm just being confident and realistic. Considering the effect the simple thought of me making love to you had on you I can only imagine what's going to happen when I make your dreams come true." Cocky she was indeed and despite knowing that sex was still miles away Maura had every intention making Jane more comfortable with that subject and genuinely felt that teasing and fooling around about it was the best way to break the ice.

"Come on Maura, I thought we agreed not to talk about this ever again, it's too embarrassing." Maura's witty personality was something that always attracted Jane, it made her smile and brought light to her generally dark existence but her tendency to turn everything into a tease was sometimes too much to handle especially when it came to sex.

"I don't believe we agreed on anything Jane and again, I'm absolutely flattered to have that effect on you but the last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable. Will you forgive me?" Rolling on top of Jane who had let herself fall backward on the grass Maura realised that her way of dealing with Jane's embarrassment might have been too pushy and that she needed to reconsider and adjust her strategy.

"I will forgive you if you promise to believe me when I say that I never encouraged that…physical reaction by touching myself or anything. I just went to bed and woke up when it was already too late." Once again Jane knew that Maura would be flattered knowing that she masturbating thinking about her but this was not who she was and she wanted things to be very clear.

"I believe you and I'm even more flattered." Maura was on top on Jane her forearms resting on both sides of her head and she was looking at her straight in the eye.

"Good." Suddenly feeling the weight on Maura's body on her Jane lost a bit of her confidence and didn't know where to place her hands and simply kept both her arms on both sides of her body.

"To be honest with you Jane I envy you because while I can get aroused without any physical contact I for one can not reach climax without a direct stimulation." Without noticing it Maura started to lick her upper lip with the tip of her tongue. Her legs were spread on both side of Jane's body and the direct contact with Jane's pelvis started to arouse her.

"Me neither and to be honest I actually consider myself as hard to satisfy."

"Challenge accepted." Smiling slightly Maura gently leaned closer to Jane and gently started to kiss her.

This time the kiss was more passionate. Maura's lips were pressing on Jane's so hard that they could barely breath. Jane who would normally flip Maura and roll on top of her was strangely happy to allow her to stay right where she was knowing that it wasn't a way of dominating her but rather of guiding her.

Progressively relaxing under Maura, Jane gained in confidence and started to wander her left hand on her back, roaming her fingers as she would on a piano's keyboard.

Feeling her soul literally leaving her body Jane started to wonder if she was not once again dreaming. This could not be reality. Not only Maura could not possibly share her feelings let alone make out with her on the grass like a teenager.

If this was a dream Jane figured she might as well enjoy it as much as possibly and suddenly grabbed Maura's butt with both hands, slightly squeezing it.

"Easy tiger, you need to at least buy me dinner before being granted that privilege." Fidgeting as she felt Jane's hands on her back side Maura gently parted their mouths and instinctively licked her lips. She knew that Jane was not ready to take things further and considering how aroused she aroused was knew she could not behave herself much longer if Jane had decided to be that touchy.

"I'm sorry Maura. I didn't mean to…I don't know what happened." This was actually reality and not a dream and Maura's voice brought her right back in.

"It's alright Jane. I came a little hard on you and you reacted the way you were supposed to. I love you." Almost falling back as Jane suddenly sit up Maura snaked her arms around Jane and kissed her tenderly.

"I love you too and you're absolutely right. I need to take you out."

"I was kidding Jane. I'm yours, this is all yours when ever you're ready, no permission needed okay?" Offering herself to her Maura placed Jane's hand back on her butt.

"You're sweet but you're a lady and you deserve to be treated as such and I have every intention of proving that I'm not like those morons you dated before who were only interested in either your wallet or in sleeping with you."

"You have nothing to prove to me Jane. I know who you are and I love you as such. Actually I was thinking I could take you out."

"No, no, no. You are my guest here and I have every intention of continuing to treat you as such."

"Exactly my point : You have been paying for my room for the past two weeks and showing me around and it's time I did something to return the hospitality. " Looking at Jane with that determination that she knew often scared people off and that had earned her the nickname of the Queen of the dead Maura made it clear to Jane that this was not a negotiable offer.

"Alright, alright. Now come on let's get back to the house. Coffee is probably cold and I'm starving." Seeing the look on Maura's face Jane knew that fighting was useless and was happy to allow Maura treat her.

"Does that mean I win?" Maura smiled as she quickly stood up and almost immediately snaked her arms around Jane's neck, stealing a quick kiss.

"When was I ever able to say no to you?" There was the paradoxe that their relationship was : on one hand Maura was Jane's biggest strength and simply looking in her eyes had the ability to boost her self confidence but on the other hand she was also her biggest weakness, that one precious, priceless thing is her life she would give everything to protect and keep alive including letting her guard down and showing her vulnerability.

"True, now let's get some breakfast. I'm starving." Releasing Jane's hand for a minute just to time to bend over and collect the tray that was left on the grass Maura then literally dragged her towards the house without considering the potential embarrassment it would cause if Mrs Ryan or one of the workers were to catch them.

Luckily for them Jane didn't seem bothered and willingly followed her to the main house.

Stepping into the house both women were immediately greeted by Jo Friday whom unlike Jane had not managed to change her sleeping patterns yet.

"Hey buddy, I see you just woke up, you must hungry. Come on let me feed you." Jane replied, letting go of Maura's hand as she kneeled and started to pat her faithful pet.

"Mrs Ryan left us a note. She's spending the morning with her friend Sally in town and will be back for lunch." Walking towards the kitchen isle Maura immediately noticed the small piece of paper and as she read those words was smile at the thought of having the house for Jane and her for a few more hours.

"Oh right. They actually grew up together and Sally lost her husband a year after Mrs Ryan so every wednesday they meet and go to the cemetery. Very nice old lady." Despite being on the porch feeding Jo Friday, making sure she had enough food and water for the day Jane could hear Maura perfectly and was also delighted to have the house for themselves.

A few minutes later Jane came back into the house and found Maura cooking them an omelette and without thinking about it snaked her arms around her waist and pulled her against her.

"That does smell good." Jane's head was resting on Maura's left shoulder and as she watched her cook them breakfast she realised that not only she could get used to this domesticity and grow old at Maura's side but that she easily could picture them living at the farm on a permanent basis, away from everything that had made her miserable for years.

"It's your mother's recipe." Saying those words Maura had anterior motives and was determined to talk about Angela and all the people Jane had left being without an explanation.

"I know. Let me set the table." Obviously Jane wasn't comfortable talking about her mother because knew how worried she must be and that she must have been stalking Maura on daily basis and that it was unfair to impose that weight on her shoulders.

A few minutes later Maura joined Jane in the dining room a plate in each hand and as she sat at the end of the table tried to read Jane's thoughts by analysing her facial expressions.

"I'm sorry Maura. I know that my mother has probably been stalking you since you left."

"It's alright Jane. It's no trouble for me to talk to her, you know how close we are and I happen to miss her. When you first left she was happy that you had finally decided to take some vacations but after two weeks without hearing from you she started to worry and seeing me join you definitely convinced her that something was going on." Maura was strong and could handle the pressure more than Jane was giving her credit for but hearing Angela's shaking and sobbing voice on the phone on almost a daily basis and being unable to comfort her was more than she could handle. Jane needed to man up and face her mother, one way or another if she did not want to damage their relationship to the point of non return.

"What do you tell her when you talk to her?" Could Jane trust Maura not to reveal the reason of her departure? Of course she could, she knew Maura would never betray her but she also knew well enough to know that lying to Angela was probably eating her from the inside.

"Nothing. It's not my place to tell her anything. I simply try to reassure and convince her that despite your persistent silence and visible desire to distance yourself from her and the rest of the people that you love, you are fine and that I'm taking good care of you." Was being Jane's sole confident an honor or a poisoned gift? Up until now Maura could not decide, but she was adamantly convinced that having to deal with Angela and worrying about her state of mind was impairing her ability to solely focus on Jane.

"Thank you. I know she trusts you and it must makes her feel better to know you're here for me." Should Jane reach out and kiss Maura or express her gratitude in an affectionate manner? They had just kissed a few times and Jane had yet to figure out what was appropriate to do or not and to define the status of their current relationship.

"Yes, but I'm sure she would much rather hear it from you. I'm not asking you to tell her why you left or what has been going on between us but at least call her and tell her that you're okay." The last thing Maura wanted was Jane to think she was tired of being the messenger but it was very clear to her that Jane needed to take her responsibilities, regardless of her fears.

"Alright. I'm going to call her and tell her that I'm doing okay but only if you stay with me when I do." Once again Jane was admitting the limit of her legendary courage and strength and was exposing her doubts to Maura. Would Maura see her differently for that? Yes, certainly but this favor Jane was asking would only make her love her more and despite Jane might think reveal her truth strength : knowing when to ask for help.

"Of course Jane, I'm not going anywhere." Maura's right hand was covering Jane's left forearm and as she gently stroke her skin with her thumb she simply smiled, extremely proud of Jane's desire to re establish contact with her mother.

"Do you think she's going to ask my why I left? I mean you know how nosy she is and even if she has respected my privacy up until now I'm afraid that talking to me might wake her maternal instincts up and also her curiosity, don't you think?"

"No, I think she's going to let you talk and will not try to coerce you to confide in her if you don't want to. I think that she knows you well enough to understand that you're secretive and that pushing you to do something you're not ready for is the best way to cause you withdrawn further. She just needs to hear your voice."

"Alright. As long as she respects my privacy and desire to stay here I should be fine talking to her."

"She might not understand your decision but she will respect it, I made sure of that." What Jane did not know was that Maura had spent the past two weeks gradually preparing Angela to a potential conversation with her daughter and that she had used her best skills of persuasion to make her understand that she needed to respect Jane's choice. Had Angela conceded that easily? Of course not. Not only she was a mother who was terrified of losing her daughter to something she seemed to have no understanding of but Angela was just Angela and in all her overwhelming, oppressing curiosity she truly loved Jane.

"Dr Isles…What have you done?" Oh boy, she should have seen this coming. Not only Maura had been supporting her but she had obviously been working on making a confrontation between her and her mother smoother. That was just who she was : on top of being able of comforting everyone involved and switching sides as easily Maura was also visualising the future and preparing thing to make it easier for everyone. That woman was a keeper, no doubt about it.

"I have been preparing her to that conversation you are about to share with her. It took me long hours of talking over the phone to convince her but I think I managed to make her realise that what ever was happening you needed to deal with it on your own." Convincing Angel Rizzoli not to intervene in one of her children's life, now that was the victory of the century. This battle had been long and tiring but necessary if both women wanted to focus on themselves without worrying about Angela sending the entire Boston Police Departement after Jane. As selfish as it was they needed, Jane needed to focus on herself and only herself and Maura had to made sure that she would be able to do so.

"I suppose that knowing you're with me makes her feel better." Wait, that sentence had a double meaning. Was Maura really with Jane? Were they together? Were they a couple, an item, in a committed relationship? For the love of God, that was too much to consider for Jane right now. Putting words on her feelings and voicing them had taken her long enough and defining those kisses and tender displays of affection was for now out of her reach and she knew Maura understood.

"Yes. I'm not sure she would have managed without hearing from you for that long if she didn't know I was there for you. But she knows that as long as you're with me I will always take care of you and help you to the best of my abilities." Wait a minute, what exactly was the best of her abilities, her limits? Will there be a point where Maura would not be able to help Jane anymore, where the words or sufficient understanding would lack her? Probably, but for now she had a precise idea of what was going on in Jane's mind and was hoping that as the situation would progress her understanding would as well.

"She's right to trust you Maura. I know I haven't made tremendous progress yet but I feel lighter and a bit more in peace with my feelings and I owe it to you." Who was she kidding? She owed her everything, she owed her surviving after Hoyt had taken her in that basement and she thought she would never resurface, she owed it to her not to have drowned in her own self pity after the shooting and most importantly she owed it to her to have finally learned the true definition of the word courage.

"Don't put yourself down that easily Jane. I think you have made gigantic progress over the past two weeks. Not only you confessed your feelings for me but you also confided in me about the dreams and you allowed me to kiss you. In my book that is the definition of progress. I'm proud of you." Smiling through grinned teeth Maura was hoping that Jane would feel encouraged by her recent progress and would not just settle in thinking she had done enough.

"We'll see if I can make you even prouder but for now let's eat that omelette it looks freaking good." Wasn't that the definition of a relationship? Supporting and staying by each other's side through thick and thin? If it was Jane and Maura had actually been in a relationship for years and this bit of domesticity they had been sharing for the past two weeks was bringing them to a whole new level.

**Hello dear readers. I realise that the more time passes the more invested in this story you get. I have paid extra attention to this chapter to give you a qualitative reading. I know that I'm far from being as talented as many writers here but thanks to the previous chapter I discovered a new way of writing and I'm exploring it, hoping that it will make things more visual and fluid for you guys.**

******Thank you for the support.**


	12. Carpe diem

**Chapter 12 :**

**Carpe diem :**

An hour later, after finishing her breakfast Jane grabbed her phone, Maura's hand and sat on the front porch.

Sitting on the second highest step, Maura right behind her Jane remained silent for a few minutes, her phone in her left hand.

Tickling the touch screen of her smart phone with her left thumb Jane was trying to mentally prepare herself to her mother's reaction, reaction she expected to be emotional.

After spending years trying to teach Maura the art of listening to her heart Jane found herself rehearsing a speech in her head, knowing that no matter how well prepared she would be, nothing could predict Angela's reaction.

Maura who was eagerly waiting for that highly anticipated to occur was sitting right behind Jane on a higher step, her arms were tenderly snaked around Jane's shoulder and her head was resting on her shoulder.

In a perfect world she wouldn't need to be here but she could sense that Jane would not go through with it without her by her side, not because she was a coward or didn't care about her mother's feelings but because she did and had been torturing herself for causing her such sorrow.

So Maura sat there gently stroking Jane's shoulder with her chin, waiting for her to dial Angela's number hoping that the physical proximity would create a force field around her that would give her the strength to talk to her mother and maybe open up a little bit.

"I feel like a teenager who's about to tell her mother she has been given hours of detention and who needs her best friend for support. Why am I so weak?" Was she about to give up? Was she about to stand up and run away the way she has been for the past month? Or would she put her personal feelings and fear aside and put her mother's needs first? Could she be the perfect daughter Angela considered her to be, the selfless human being who had almost given her life many times to protect her city and her people? Could she be a woman Maura wouldn't be ashamed of dating?

"You're not weak, you're human and I wouldn't change a thing about you. Now please press the call button. Everything is going to be alright. I promise." Maura might have developed romantic feelings and a strong sexual attraction for the intrepid, courageous, stubborn detective but the sensitive and vulnerable woman that she was holding in her arms was definitely someone she was falling in love with. The cracks in the armour bared no meaning to her, she was still and would always be her knight in shining armour who had rescued her so many times and it was time that she reciprocated.

"Alright." Taking a deep, almost painful breath Jane finally hit the call button and put the phone to her ear.

A few hundreds miles away Angela was siting in Maura's couch, drinking a cup of that overpriced coffee Maura had especially imported from Colombia. Her legs were crossed and she had an old picture album on her lap. That little ritual had almost became Angela's daily punishment. She would stay there for hours looking at pictures of her daughter wondering what she had done wrong to make her not trust her enough to confide in her. Not only she was convinced that she was responsible for causing what ever was troubling Jane but also that she had somehow drove her away.

After about an hour and two cups of coffee Angela decided she had punished and blamed herself enough for today and decided to put the album away.

As she was leaning over to leave it on the coffee table she heard her phone ringing : it was Jane's ringtone.

Almost dropping the phone on the floor as she picked it up Angela for the first time of her life was lacking words.

"Janie, is that you?" Who else could it be? Despite seeing Jane's name on her touch screen Angela had trouble believing that it was really her and needed to hear her voice to confirm that it was not Maura calling from her phone.

"Hey Ma. How are you?" That was a rhetorical question and she did not really expect her to answer truthfully.

"I'm alright. I was drinking some of that coffee that has been fertilised by panda. It's delicious." Coffee? Really Angela? Was that all you could think about to start a conversation?

"You mean the coffee fertilised by panda poop?" Maura's influence was visible in almost aspect of her family's lives, not only she had made them change their eating habits and improve their diet but she had also bought them new mattresses to optimise their sleep and had even managed to coerce Jane into joining her to yoga classes but drinking panda poop coffee was something she was not willing to try, no matter how much she loved her.

"Yes, when you think about it's funny the amount of things I never I tried that Maura managed to coerce me into trying." Without being too pushy Angela was slowly and very casually orienting the conversation to more serious matters and knew that bringing Maura up was the best way to do so.

"You have no idea what she convinced me of doing over the years, I just can't say no to her." Smiling at Maura as she slightly turned her head Jane managed to quickly steal a kiss from her knowing she would pay for the banter later.

"Did she convince you to call me?" Snap!Noisy and direct Angela was back and by the sound of her voice she was hurt. If the only reason why Jane was calling was because Maura had forced her to, then it wasn't worth it.

"She didn't have to Ma. I have been thinking about calling you for a while but I just..I just never had the guts to." With those words the armour was shattering a bit more but it did not matter, not when her mother's heart was obviously broken in a million pieces.

"Why? Am I so awful that you can not trust me with what ever has been troubling you?"

"No, of course not. You're the most understanding, patient, supportive mother I could have wished for. It's just that there are some things that I need to deal with on my own. Please do not take that as a lack of trust." Of course Jane trusted her mother, more than she trusted any one on this planet. She knew that she had been through some tragic events and her life and had the experience and wisdom that she was lacking, but this thing she was going through, Angela had no experience with but she could not tell her that.

"Is it because you don't know who to explain those things to yourself?"

"Yes. I mean, when I'm in Boston I literally do not have a single minute to sit down and reflect on my feelings. Either I'm working or taking care of family matters and it's overwhelming. God I don't know how you have been doing this for this long while keeping your sanity." Jane's problem was that she was trying too hard to be the town's hero and her family's main care taker to a point where she was completely neglecting her own needs.

"Taking care of you and your brother and now of Maura is my job as a mother, that's what I signed up for when your father and I decided to have a family. You on the other hand have been doing far more than your sister or daughter's position requires of you. I'm glad that you decided to think about your own needs for a change. I just wish you had told me in advance instead of running off. I would have respected your choice." Would have she respected her choice? Or would she have tried to make Jane talk pushing her further away? Maybe she would have sensed that what had been troubling her this time was important and that imposing boundaries to herself was necessary…Who knows? Now all that was in the past and instead of wondering what could have had happened if Jane had talked to her before leaving town Angela wanted to prove to her that she understood her behaviour and respected and even understood her need for privacy and to distance herself from her family.

"I know that skipping town like a thief was hurtful and disrespectful but at the time I was so confused that I did not want you to see me like that." Reaching out for Maura's hand Jane slowly leaned backwards against her, she needed to feel her warmth around her now, or she might burst in tears.

"Does being where ever you are help? Maura told me it was a beautiful place with a lot of animals and a acres of lands…" Biting her bottom lip Angela was hoping Jane wouldn't trouble Maura for giving her general informations about their location.

"We're actually staying in a farm. It's a very long story. I ran out of gas and found myself in that relatively small town and was advised to come to this place if I wanted a nice place to spend the night and I stayed. I think the pure air has a relaxing effect on me." Right now what was keeping Jane calm was not the pure air or the animals but Maura's arms around her neck and her mouth gently kissing her forehead but that of course, she could not share with her mother yet.

"Boston is certainly not the most quiet place when you need to gather your thoughts and do an introspection on yourself. Does having Maura help?" A hint of jealousy and envy was perceivable in Angela's voice. She knew that it did not matter who was helping Jane as long as she was getting help but she could not help it. Jane was still her baby and she felt compelled to be her care taker, her confident, but had learned to accept the fact that there was limits to what a mother could offer, limits that did not apply to a best friend.

"She does. She holds my hand when I need to talk but she also pushes me when I need to be encouraged. I'm lucky to have her." And lucky she was indeed. Looking up in Maura's big green eyes, Jane could see her future, it was right here and it had taken her to escape to Vermont to see it, to see Maura for who she truly was : her soul mate, her saviour, her everything.

"I think we're all lucky to have her. We're all better human beings because of her. She's a keeper Janie." Over the past few years and especially since Angela had moved in her guest house Maura had been a real daughter to her and a true friends for her children. Maura started has Jane's colleague but slowly gained her way into Jane's heart and not long after that into the entire Rizzoli and friends' clan. She had that rare ability to give herself selflessly, to put herself in everyone shoes and to see things from different perspectives which made her the perfect mediator. Sometimes Angela felt guilty though. She knew that Maura wanted to help, that she almost felt compelled to but she felt that both Jane and her were using her, forcing her to split herself in two without picking side and she could only hope that it was not tearing her apart.

"Yes, I know mom but you should have not said that, she's crying now." How would Angela react knowing Maura had been listening to their conversation the entire time? She probably wouldn't mind. Maura was her daughter too.

"Oh, no. Please hand her the phone. We need to talk about …something."

"What do you need to talk to Maura about? Are the two of you conspiring against me?" Turning around as she let a slight groan pass through her lips Jane quickly stole another kiss from Maura hoping Angela wouldn't be able to hear it.

"No we are not. For your information our lives do not evolve solely around you Jane. Your mother and I talk about a lot of things that you have no business in knowing so please can you hand me the phone now?" To light up their conversations a bit Maura had tried to maintain their usual relationship and to encouraged Angela to talk to her about her life, her job the way they always had and actually found it extremely refreshing and simple to help her with her daily troubles.

"Alright, alright do not bite me. Ma, thank you for being supportive. I promise I will call more often now. Love ya." I love you, those three words despite being the three more natural words a child could say to his parents were difficult for Jane to express, especially since she was convinced that she did not deserve her mother's love.

"I love you too Jane and I'm proud of you. Take all the time you need, we'll be right here when you come back." Clenching her fists as she said those words Angela knew there was a chance that Jane would never come back to live in Boston, Maura had made sure she considered that possibility but all that matter for her now was that her daughter was happy, even if it means being away from her, they could always visit.

"I know mom, take care." Jane was now standing up on in front of Maura and as she kissed her forehead to thank her for staying with her through this conversation realised that she now needed to leave her chat with her mother.

"Angela? So tell me what happened… I need to know everything!" Looking up at her, Maura knew that Jane understood they their need for privacy and as she felt her warm lips on her forehead was hoping she was okay and not too physically drained by that rather emotional conversation.

About half an hour later Maura finally finished her conversation with Angela and decided to check up on Jane, to make sure she was okay.

Standing in front of Jane's door, her right hand on the knob she paused for a minute and wondered if Jane might actually need some privacy to analyse her conversation with Angela.

"I can hear you thinking, just come in already." Jane was lying in bed, her Detective shield in her hand and was able to hear Maura climbing the stairs.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry. Don't you want to be alone?" Maura shyly asked as she pushed the door and stepped inside the bedroom. It was actually the first time she came into that bedroom since she arrived to Vermont a little over two weeks ago.

"I have been alone my entire life and I don't want to anymore, come on, climb." Alone, lonely, withdrawn, in denial of her true self, that was how Jane had lived her life up until now but today thanks to Maura she was suddenly inspiring to more.

"My pleasure Detective." Unable to hide her enthusiasm, Maura took her shoes off and climbed in bed, positioning herself in fetal position, her head on Jane's chest end her left arms across her belly.

For the rest couple of hours the two women lied in bed in silence. After everything that had happened this morning they didn't need to talk to know how the other felt.

As Jane was lying on her back, her left arms around Maura's shoulder all she could think about was the future. She was far from being comfortable with her feelings and knew that this situation here in Berlin was ideal and safe, almost like a sterile environment where nothing hazardous could reach them and was aware that this situation would not last, but right now she did not want to think about it. All she wanted was to enjoy the present time and Maura.

Maura on the other hand was slightly more nervous than Jane and could not stop thinking about that date she had promised her. Where could she take her that was worth the wait?

After literally waiting years for this Maura wanted this date to be romantic and original at the same time and was hoping that Mrs Ryan would be able advice her on what to do in such a small town that would take Jane's breath away.

**Hello dear and faithful readers…Just wanted to thank the few people who told me that this was my best story yet and that I have made some tremendous progress in the writing department. That means a lot guys!Thanks!**

**This chapter was less intense than I initially thought it would be but I figured that Maura had been preparing Angela for this conversation long enough and that there was no reason for her to explode you know?**

**Next chapter is their first " date" but I won't tell you anything relevant about it except that Mrs Ryan will be back to help Maura with it.**


	13. First date

**Chapter 13 :**

**First date :**

It was now noon and Jane and Maura were still lying in bed, holding each other. After several weeks of vivid and tensed confrontations both women needed the quietness and intimacy cuddling was bringing them.

Unfortunately this moment was not meant to last for ever and after two hours of snuggling in Jane's arms Maura slowly tried to free herself from her embrace.

"Where do you think you're going?" A month after arriving at the farm Jane still had trouble waking up at 6 am to do her chores and always required a small nap afterwards but despite Maura's delicateness the sudden emptiness in her arms had woken her up.

"I just heard Mrs Ryan coming home from her date with her friend and I want to help her with lunch. But feel free to stay in bed a little longer." Maura was sitting on the edge of Jane's bed and was about to slip out of her room when she felt her strong arms pulling her back. She took a quick look over her shoulder and saw Jane, half asleep looking at her, visibly heart broken by the idea of having to let her go.

"Nah, I'm alright. I could use a shower though." Smelling her shirt, Jane realised how bad she smelled and wondered how Maura who was the most sophisticated woman she knew could have stayed two hours with her head on her chest without complaining a bit.

"Yes, indeed. Don't worry though. I do not mind the strong smell that usually emanates from you after spending time in the barn. It's actually not half as bad as most of the odours I inflict to my nostrils on a daily basis." As she smiled at Jane, Maura slightly leaned backward and drop a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"Horse poop vs smell of decomposing bodies and body fluids…Yeah, I'll take horse poop any day." Though she was trying to hide it Jane could sense Maura's sadness as she mentioned her job. She hated this, she hated herself from taking Maura away from what she loved most on earth, she despited herself for being so selfish.

"Either way, please make sure to clean up before lunch. You know how rigorous Mrs Ryan is with hygien. No dirty hands, or shoes are allowed at her table." Was this how the rest of her life was condemned to be? Making lunch and dinner for Jane, watching her work around the farm while she stayed in the house, trying to occupy herself? Was she what loving and supporting Jane was condemning her to? As she finally walked towards the door Maura was hoping that Jane would continue to make progress and that soon she would be able to go back to Boston. She had promised her that she would be perfectly happy living a modest and quiet life in Vermont as long as they were together but she was secretly hoping that she would not have to sacrifice everything she had worked her entire life for and more importantly that she would not have to isolate herself from the first friends she had ever made.

"I know." Jane sighed.

As she was walking down the stairs leading to the kitchen Maura was trying to forget everything she had left behind to focus on everything she had gained by following Jane to Vermont.

Right now she did not want to consider or weight the pros and cons of her decision, all she cared about was that date she had promised Jane, date that she had planned on making memorable.

"Good morning Maura, how has your day been so far?" Mrs Ryan was standing in the kitchen, two bags of groceries were left on the kitchen isle and despite her visit to the cemetery she seemed relatively joyful.

"It has been….eventful. Can we talk?" From the first time they met her Mrs Ryan had been a confident for both Jane and Maura and her wisdom had been of a tremendous help.

"Absolutely, let's unpack those groceries and settle outside, shall we?" Looking at Maura, Mrs Ryan could see both apprehension and excitement in her eyes and knew that something major must have had happened during her absence.

A few minutes later, after emptying the groceries Maura and Mrs Ryan settled under the front porch, a cup of tea in their hands.

In the span of a few minutes Maura told Mrs Ryan everything that had happened, she told her about Jane's confession, their making out session by the river and most importantly about Jane's phone call to her mother.

On top of being excited about the recent development in her relationship with Jane, Maura was also nervous about their first date and needed Mrs Ryan's guidance.

While Maura was giving her the longest and most felt monologue she had ever sit through Mrs Ryan remained quietly and paid as much attention as she could, literally drinking Maura's words.

After seeing Jane arriving to her farm psychologically and emotionally wounded she was happy to see the progress she had made and knew that it was mostly because of Maura and was more than happy to bring her little contribution.

"I'm sorry, I'm rambling but though we managed to overcome many challenges and obstacles I know that there are still many to come." Realistic and rational, those were the two adjectives that described Dr Isles the best and she had decided to apply her usual prudence and wisdom to her relationship with Jane. She knew that it was too soon to consider their newly relationship as granted and was determined to stay alert and to take things one step at the time.

"I understand. You have been waiting for that kind of development since you got here two weeks ago and I'm sure that you had been hoping for that kiss for even longer." That was really missing in her life, helping, advising, sharing her wisdom and her experience. Obviously her children always called her when ever they found themselves in a parental or marital crisis but the distance made it hard for her to be a key player in their lives.

"Yes. I think I have always felt this intense attraction towards her, ever since we first met. It's strange because when I'm attracted to someone I'm usually not shy or hesitant, but things were different with Jane."

"Because she was a woman?"

"No. I have always considered myself opened to the idea of being with a woman. At first I did not attempt anything because Jane and I were working together and such an intimate relationship while not prohibited could be detrimental and make things uncomfortable between the two parties involced. Then Jane and I crossed the line between a professional and a more private relationship. She quickly became the best friend, the only friend I had ever had really and I did not want to compromise that, especially since she had never exhibited any interest in women." Those were perfectly valid excuses but what had truly kept Maura from taking the first step was much deeper and she was still unsure if she had overcome that obstacle.

"Were you afraid that your attraction was a little more than purely sexual?" And wise she was indeed. Despite being much older than Jane and Maura Mrs Ryan could see herself in them, in that fear of comiting, in that slight self loathing that had prevented them from taking that chance.

"Yes. I must say that if my attraction had been solely physical I would have either attempted to seduce her or I would have tried to erase that sexual curiosity that sleeping with a woman represented by engaging in a sexual relation with another woman. The problem is and has always been that I do not consider Jane as an experiment. I'm truly, sincerely, madly in love with her. I have collected enough data and analysed it thoroughly enough to clearly assert that she's the love of my life." Oh boy, that was difficult wasn't it? Almost from the first time they had met Maura had been attracted to Jane and almost as immediately knew that it was nothing compared to what she had experienced before. Jane was different, the way she felt about her was different and it scared her to death.

"That's how you recognise true love dear. It has the ability to make you feel things you had never experienced before and to scare you beyond reason. I would worry if you weren't nervous about it."

"Were you nervous when you started dating your late husband, actually you never told me how the two of you fell in love?" Despite being an exceptional listener and incline to share her own experience Mrs Ryan rarely mentioned her husband specifically. He had passed away just a year ago and the simple evocation of his name made her nostalgic.

"That's an interesting story. My father was a veterinarian and I was born and raised in Texas. When I was fifteen he and my mother decided to move the family to a smaller city. He obviously loved his job but he was not satisfied by the way it was taking him away from us, so he decided to move us to Berlin where he knew he could continue to practice as a veterinarian but in a lesser capacity. My husband and I were in the same class all the way through high school but it wasn't until our senior year that we actually started talking to each other." Talking about it brought back so many sweet memories for Mrs Ryan and she could literally see images flashing before her eyes.

"Was he shy?" Sitting next to Mrs Ryan, Maura was listening to her religiously knowing that she could benefit from her story.

"No, quite the opposite actually, we just never had the occasion to talk until that one day of september. I remember it was only a few days after school started. His father had trouble with one of his horses and my father had to visit the farm almost weekly. Seeing my growing interest in his profession he started to bring me with him during his consultations and things lead to another and we became friends."

"I suppose that things were going much more slowly forty five years ago." Being the direct woman that she was Maura could not even imagine what it must have been to be a seventeen year old woman back then.

"Yes. Things were as quick as they are today and pretenders had not only to ask permission to the father of their chosen ones but they also have to be very patient. It was the father who usually set the pace of the relationship, but not in my case. See I was raised with two sisters and my father always had that strong feeling that not only we had inherited his strength of character but that we were smart enough to make our own decisions."

"He trusted you because he knew you were responsible." Maura nodded.

"Yes. When I think about it, I think my husband would have preferred if my father had set the tone to our relationship because I really made him wait for a long long time until I even allowed him to kiss me." Looking back Mrs Ryan knew that she might have been too hard on her young pretender but was also convinced that it had forged their relationship into something that nothing had managed to destroy during their forty five years of marriage.

"Well, you're a lady, and a lady never gives in that easily, does she?" Maura replied giving Mrs Ryan an affectionate pat on the knee.

"No, she doesn't but I must admit that I did not make things easy for him. I liked him a lot and back then dating someone casually wasn't something that existed. When you sealed lips with a man, it had to be the one, so I made sure that I was the one for him as he was for me. After a year of letting him court me, I finally allowed him to kiss me at our prom and we spent the entire summer developing our relationship."

"Things must have been difficult when you went to nursing school."

"Yes they were, but he understood my desire to have a career. He knew that even if I wanted to have children and that I had no intention of neglecting my duties as a wife I needed to have my own career. So he waited for me to finishing nursing school. We wrote to each other every week and I visited him during the holiday and it worked. He proposed to me the day I graduated and we got married a month later."

"And you knew all along that he was the one?" Now that was true love, a love that was born instantly but that took years to develop and that despite the distance and the challenges had survived and grew. That was the kind of relationship Maura was aiming for.

"Yes. I think I fell in love with him the first time I visited the farm. I remember him giving me the grand tour. It was a saturday so my father allowed me to stay late. I think his passion for this farm, his desire to raise his children and to get married just blew me away almost instantly. He had this romantic way of picturing his future that just made my heart melt. But just like you, I was scared to death, so I made sure that he was as serious as I was and by the time we graduated high school. I was completely in love with him. Leaving him to go to nursing school broke my heart, but we made it work. " And God knows making it work had not been an easy entreprise. Back then the internet did not exist and not everyone had the luxury of possession a phone so they had to settle with weekly letters and visits during vacations.

"It was just meant to be." Dr Maura Isles was a scientist and as such did not believe in coincidences or in destiny. She believed in will power though, and in the ability a person had to make things works against all odds as long as they committed themselves to the task. On the other hand there were things that she could not rationally qualify, such as love. She always thought and was still convinced that sexual attraction was the result of a chemical reaction but love, the mechanism of that phenomena was still unknown to her but she luckily had the rest of her life to figure it out.

"I believe it was but nothing came to us easily. We had to fight, to make compromises, sacrifices to make our marriage work but it was all worth it. What I'm trying to say is that no matter how scare you are of getting hurt of being disappointed, it's always best to live with regrets than remorse."

"Yes, I do believe so to. I think the best things in life are the hardest to achieve and that struggling to get what we want make us appreciate it more."

"Exactly, now come with me. I have an idea on how to make this first date unforgettable." As she stood up holding Maura's hand Mrs Ryan had a small idea of how Maura could impress Jane and was hoping she would like it.

"Oh, thank you. I must say that I have no idea on what to offer Jane tonight that we haven't experienced already."

"Don't worry. I'm pretty sure that what I'm going to suggest is something you have never done. My husband and I used to indulge ourselves with this activity almost weekly when ever the weather allowed it."

Later that night after dinner Jane drove Mrs Ryan to her weekly bridge game, giving time to Maura to finalise her surprise.

Around eight o'clock Jane was finally back at the farm and caught Maura making pop corn.

"Have you dropped Mrs Ryan to her game?" As she heard Jane a few away from her Maura suddenly turned around, a large ball in her hands. Fresh beers were on the kitchen counter and everything was set up outside but she was still incredibly nervous. Though Jane and her had watched movies dozens of times together they never did with that particular setting and most importantly the evenings spent together were always friendly and never had that romantic connotation.

Maura was never nervous about first dates, it was usually quite the opposite. When she set foot in a restaurant or a theatre with a man she usually had a precise idea of how the evening would go and end but this was different.

Despite being full of dreams and hope she knew that she could not afford to precipitate, that while Jane expected her to guide her she had also made it clear that she wanted to take things slow and that the even smallest excess of enthusiasm could be fatal.

"Yes I did. She is going to sleep over at her friend's place and I will pick her up tomorrow morning. Those two have been friends for close to fifty years and they're still having sleep overs." When Jane stepped into the kitchen she immediately smelled the pop corn and noticed the beers and knew that Maura had planned a romantic evening and was grateful that she did not made a fuss out of their first date.

"Their friendship seems to be resistant to time. Their children have moved away and both their husbands are now deceased. I'm glad they can count on each other." Jane's arms. That's what Maura needed to calm her down, so without thinking she took a few steps towards her and snaked her arms around Jane, resting her head on her chest.

"So am I. So are we watching a movie?" Being welcomed home by Maura's arms. Now that was something Jane could get used to. Standing in the middle of the kitchen Jane took a minute to gently pat Maura's back and to gently nuzzle her nose against her forehead.

"Yes we are. Don't worry, I pick up one that I knew you would like. I'm glad you're wearing your jacket, it might get a bit chilly outside later on." Rising her head, looking deep into Jane's loving eyes Maura knew that Mrs Ryan was right and that what ever it would take for this relationship to work it would be worth it, that Jane was worth it.

"Are we watching a movie outside?" Rising her eyebrows, Jane saw that malice in Maura's eyes indicated that she might have made a fuss after all.

"Grab those beers while I carry the bowl and please follow me." Realising that she was revealing too much Maura took a step back towards the kitchen isle, grabbed the bowl containing the pop corn and literally dragged Jane to that place she and Mrs Ryan had set up.

As the two women arrived at the chosen spot right behind the barn, Jane's jaw almost drop as she saw the installation standing in front of her.

Against the barn's wall was a gigantic cinema screen and about fifty feet from it was Mrs Ryan red pick she had purchased a few months back.

At the back of the truck Maura had displayed several blankets and cushions that created a perfectly comfortable and romantic nest.

"Maura, what have you done?" As she walked towards the pick up Jane had to swallow hard and to even pinch herself to realise that Maura could have set up something that beautiful.

"Almost nothing. Mrs Ryan told me she and her husband regularly watched movies together using that screen, parking their old pick up at this exact spot. They had three children and it was very hard for them to find the opportunity to share some quality time together but when they did find the time they preferred staying home instead of going out to a crowded theatre or restaurant." Those stars in Jane's eyes, now that's exactly what Maura was looking for when she prepared her surprise.

"Yes. I understand, after spending the day working and taking care of the kids you don't want to have to dress up and drive to town. This is very romantic and it looks comfy too. Thank you." Jane replied as she gently snaked her arms around her and kiss her passionately. Kissing, now that was something that Jane had never particularly been found of before but this was different. All the things she usually avoided such as kissing, hugging now seemed perfectly enjoyable.

This intimacy that they had always shared and that was growing exponentially wasn't scaring her anymore, it was comforting her.

"You're welcome. Now please, let's settle down shall we?" As she climbed at the back at the pick up as easily as she usually climbed Pumpkin Maura took a quick look at her installation to make sure that everything was perfect, and it was.

A few minutes later the two women were comfortably settled at the back of the pick up, sitting against large cushions, a couple of blankets laid on their legs. The weather was warm, the atmosphere quiet and relaxing, the sky full of stars, yes everything was set up to secure a romantic evening for the two love birds.

"So what are we watching? Please tell me it's at least in english…" Jane, as the perfect friend that she was had spent endless night watching foreign documentaries or movies in their original language and had sat through hours of debriefing afterwards. Never the thought of saying no to Maura had crossed her mind, it didn't matter what they were watching, Maura's simple presence sufficed to content her. Now that their relationship had evolved Jane was still wondering if the same rules applied. Was she supposed to continue to do what ever Maura wanted just to please her and avoid seeing her sad and disappointed?Or should she draw limits to establish a balance between them? Nah, all Jane wanted was for Maura to be happy and if it meant spending the rest of her life suffering through weekly yoga classes or going to fancy restaurants, then be it. Maura was finally hers and she intended to keep her regardless of the efforts it would require to make someone as high maintenance as Maura happy.

"We are watching _Indiana Jones and the raiders of the lost ark _and before you ask, I will refrain from correcting any historical inaccuracies." Could she really refrain from that? That would be a challenge but this night was about Jane, and Maura understood easily that being involved with Jane romantically involved making compromises, as painful as they were.

"You…are such a catch. Thank you. You have never seen it before right?" India Jones, really? How could this woman be more perfect? Jane knew that Maura enjoyed actions movies but only to some extend and that she never watched fictional movies that had historical backgrounds because she often found the inaccuracies preposterous. Jane did not know if Maura would manage to keep her mouth shut but it did not matter. What mattered was that she was willing to watch a movie she would probably not enjoy just to satisfy her.

"No, I haven't but I knew that it was one of your favourite movies so I downloaded it. Now let's enjoy it, shall we?" Harrison Ford was rather charming back then so maybe the pleasure of seeing him all sweaty could surpasses the horror of having to sit through a potentially historically inaccurate movie.

For the next two hours the two ladies watched the movie in silence, Maura comfortably settled in Jane's arms, her head resting on her chance. Jane who knew Maura better than anyone else knew exactly at which moments of the movie she would be tempted to make a comment and made sure to kiss her to keep her from doing so every single time.

"What did you think? It's a great movie isn't it?" Hitting the stop button on the remote control Jane was expecting a historical lecture and knew that she might have to do more than kiss her to escape from it.

"Yes it is. I would very much to see the next three installments." As strange as it sounds this movie was not as awful as she expected it to be and rather accurate.

"It's a date then." Jane smiled and gently pressed her lips against Maura's. Was it heaven? Was being at the back of a pick up truck holding the woman she loved the definition of being in heaven? Jane had been through hell and this certainly seemed to be heaven.

"It is." Why did Jane have to be so talented with her tongue and lips? Oh boy, that was the most intense goose bump she had ever felt and it wasn't because it was chilly. Everything she was feeling right now was cause directly by Jane, by her arms, her touch, her lips and for the first time in her life Maura could not control any of it.

"Are you cold? You're shivering." Jane asked as she gently lifted one of the blanket up to her shoulders.

"No, I'm not. I'm perfectly warm in your arms and I was actually thinking that we could stay here tonight and sleep under the stars." Was that too bold? Was spending the night together premature? Not that Maura had ulterior motives but she did not knew how Jane would interpret her offer.

"That would be a great idea Maura."

As a good night kiss Maura without considering it for even a second rolled on top of Jane and started to kiss her passionately. She knew that there was a line she could not cross but the impulse she felt compeled to satisfy was stronger than her reason.

Jane was sitting up against a large cushions and as she felt Maura's tongue pressing against her lips slightly opened her mouth and started to gently brush her tongue. Unlike Maura, Jane did not know where her limits stood and in a attempt to try to test them slid her hands under Maura's shirt.

"Wow, easy tiger." Slightly shivering as she felt Jane's fingering roaming on her bare back Maura had a feeling that Jane was determined to be utterly bold and to push her own limits and that it was up to her to stop her.

"Don't tell me you don't want me as much as I want you." And bold she was indeed. Right now Jane was on a roll, her confidence was strong, her desire over the roof and she had no intention of backing down.

"Of course I do, it's just..." As she let a slight sigh pass her lips Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's neck and took a minute to consider the situation. Yes Jane's desire to take things further was shared but was Jane ready to face the consequences of taking that step? They still had to define the status of their current relationship and Maura was afraid that Jane was trying to impress her, to reward her for her patience by pushing her own limits and she did not know if letting her was the best thing to do.

**Hello dear readers. I hope you enjoyed that first date. It really took me a while to find an idea that would be simple enough to make Jane comfortable and that would also be romantic.**

**I hope the build up leading to the date was not too boring but this conversation Mrs Ryan had with Maura was very important IMO.**

**What happens now?Will they have sex?Is it too soon?**

**Ideas are welcome.**


	14. Transition

Previously :

"Of course I do, it's just..." As she let a slight sigh pass her lips Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's neck and took a minute to consider the situation. Yes Jane's desire to take things further was shared but was Jane ready to face the consequences of taking that step? They still had to define the status of their current relationship and Maura was afraid that Jane was trying to impress her, to reward her for her patience by pushing her own limits and she did not know if letting her was the best thing to do.

**Chapter 14 :**

**Transition.**

"Oh my God Maura, I'm so sorry. I'm acting like a complete jerk. I should have known that you wouldn't want our first time to be at the back of a pick up truck." Well done Jane! This is Maura Isles you are dating now, not some school boy from south Boston, she's accustomed to the best things in life and this is clearly not one of them.

"Oh no Jane, it's alright. I have no particular issues with where we are. Actually, I have never made up or had sexual intercourse at the back of a car and I found it quite exciting." That was precisely what Maura loved more about being friends with Jane and her family : she got to try things she had never experienced before, simple pleasures most people enjoyed but that someone from her social class was usually not raised to be familiar with.

"What is it then?" Jane was sitting up against a large blue cushion and her arms were strongly snaked around Maura who was still sitting on her lap. Looking up into her big green eyes Jane wasn't seeing confusion or hesitation and new it had nothing to do with Maura having second thought about them but yet she was unable to comprehend the reason that would make her stop her.

"I think that we should take our time Jane. I know we have made tremendous progress over the past two weeks and I feel that every step we took was taken at the right time, because we were both ready and this step should be considered with the same precaution." Maura's intention here was to be as diplomatic as possible as not to hurt Jane's pride but most importantly to show her that she was not having any doubts regarding their relationship. She knew the amount of courage and strength it had taken Jane to confess her feelings, kiss her and confide in her about her dreams and she did not want to erase all those progress and destroy the confidence Jane had built up by appearing uncertain.

"And you think we're not ready to have sex…" This was too much for Jane to handle. It had taken all the self confidence she had to make that move and Maura was just rejecting her. Her reasons were perfectly valid but still, once again Jane had made the wrong decision at the wrong time by assuming Maura wanted to have sex tonight.

Having sex was a completely different experience for Jane than it was for Maura. From what Jane had the opportunity to observe Maura always seemed to consider sex as a hobby, something she indulged herself with when ever she felt the need and she had no trouble picking up random hot guys to satisfy her needs and then nicely cutting them loose once their tasks accomplished and her needs taken care of. Jane on the other hand had not had sex or even dated any one since Hoyt had taken her almost three years ago. Actually she had not allowed anyone but her doctor touch her hands until she met Maura. Truth was that Jane never had a huge libido and had voluntarily chosen to commit herself to her job rather than focusing on finding a husband. After Hoyt took her the little desire she had to settle down disappeared or so she thought. She thought she would never be able to trust anyone to touch her, to be on top of her dominating her the way Hoyt did when they were in that cave but then she met Maura and things changed. Somehow Maura manage to make her want to break the walls she had surrounded herself with for years but how could she be with Maura when their approach to sex was so different?

"No, I don't think we are. We have been dating for less than a day Jane and there is so much we still have to learn about each other before taking that step, please try to understand." Jane's head was down and she refused to look at her so Maura gently cupped her face with her right hand and gently started to stroke her cheek with her thumb, hoping that the small gesture would comfort her. She knew that Jane wasn't ready either but that she somehow felt compelled to prove that she could be strong and confident about their relationship but as much as Maura loved her she wanted to do this the right way, not because Jane had something to prove to her or to herself.

"I understand what you're saying. We know everything about each other as colleagues and friends but not as lovers." Forced to admit that Maura was right Jane rose her head and forced herself to look into those beautiful green eyes. She wasn't capable of arguing Maura's point of view, she did not have the strength or desire for that.

"Exactly. You know me better than anyone else Jane but being together as lovers is a completely different kind of relationship, a different dynamic and I think we need time to adjust and gradually get more comfortable." To Maura's big surprise Jane was taking this remarkably well and with a lot of maturity so to reward her she gently push her back on the cushion and started to kiss her tenderly, her arms still wrapped around her neck.

"Yeah, I might need time to get used to kiss you and to get more familiar with those." As she broke the kiss Jane had to use her self control to the best of her abilities to resist the urge to flip Maura over. She was intensively, irresistibly attracted to her and the slightest touch ignited her desires to a point that was barely manageable.

"Well nothing is keeping us from exploring each other a little bit." Maura's breasts, also known as the rack of God as Jane liked to call them in the intimacy of her own brain were definitely one of her greatest assets and a reason for people to turn around in the street or to stare at her.

Being the self conscious woman that she was Maura was well aware of the attention her imposing breasts were bringing on her. Luckily for her she knew that Jane's intentions were noble and that she was not staring at them disrespectfully or that she would never to touch her in inappropriate places without her content. That's just who Jane was, a perfect gentlemen, respectful of Maura as a woman, and who would never treat her as a sexual object, which made her desire her even more.

"Sure. We can do that. We're adults right? I'm sure we can control the urge to rip each other's clothes off." Was that woman for real? Did she really expect Jane to "explore her" without being tempted to push things further? If she did she was either mean or naive or maybe she was just trying to establish a good compromise between taking a step neither of them were ready for and staying completely abstinent which would be almost impossible. Either way Jane, for the first time in her life knew that she would have to control her sexual urges and take things slow and take the time to get to Maura better as a lover, as a possible life partner and as frustrating as the lack for sex would be that was something she was looking forward to.

So that night Jane and Maura continued to gently explore each other, kissing, cuddling, wandering their hands on each other backs while trying their best to keep their urges in control. After years of an being victims of that obvious sexual tension the two women were finally able to relieve some of it and most importantly they were finally together as a couple, accomplishment that was far more gratifying for them than any night of passion.

**Hello my dear readers. I'm sorry that it took me so long to update. Thank you all for giving me your opinion and I'm glad that most of you thought it was too soon for them to sleep together because that's exactly how I felt and your comments comforted me in my feeling. This chapter was short because for some reasons I had no inspiration for it what so ever but I'm still hoping that it gave you a satisfying explanation to justify the lack of sex.**

**Next chapter is probably gonna be a small time jump of about a month with a HUGE twist that none of you saw coming.**

**I feel that this story is losing a bit of its energy but hopefully this new plot line will help and blow your mind. You know me, I always have some drama up my sleeve :).**


	15. The unexpected

**I hope this chapter makes up for the disaster chapter 14 was, prepare your tissues and enjoy!**

**Chapter 15 :**

**The unexpected : **

A month had passed since Jane and Maura had their first date and the two women were still an happy couple. As agreed that night the love birds were still taking things slow, rebuilding step rock by rock what had been broken and getting to know each other as lovers. Six weeks after arriving to Vermont Maura had finally found her place and was now working around the farm. Obviously Jane would not let her help with the heavy work and as strange as it was for a modern woman like Maura, she actually enjoyed taking care of the house with Mr Ryan, cooking, cleaning and massaging Jane's feet and back after a hard day of labor. Maura had worked hard all her life, in college, medical school and during her residency and over the past few years as the chief medical examiner because she felt compeled to prove herself in a world dominated by men. Here she did not have anything to prove, she did not have to prove that she could do the job as well as a man, if not better and that she could be independent, she was finally able to enjoy herself far away from the turmoil of Boston. This domesticity that had slowly settled suited her, it suited both of them.

Today was an important and symbolic day : it was Jane and Maura's first month anniversary. A month ago to the day they had locked lips for the first time and went on their first date.

Determined to treat Maura with a romantic evening Jane had decided to cook dinner for her and after spending almost the entire afternoon on the phone with Angela following her instructions dinner was finally ready. Table was dressed, candles were lid up and a gorgeous bouquet of Maura's favorite roses was proudly standing right in the middle of the table.

Things weren't perfect but they were getting better and despite not feeling ready to come out to her family Jane was now talking with Angela and her brothers on regular basis. She was trying, she was trying her best not to be like her father who had abandoned their family after his late middle age crisis. That's not who she was, she loved her family and would give her life for each of them in a heart beat but right now she needed time and space and luckily for her Frankie, Tommy, Frost and Korsak understood it perfectly and were relieved that Maura was by her side through the whole process.

Around half past six and after spending the entire afternoon in town Maura finally got home and after taking a minute to gather her thought finally pushed the door and found Jane in the middle of the kitchen, flour all over her.

"You're home. Dinner will be ready in thirty minutes." It had only been a few hours since Maura had left but she had missed her and the simple sight of her brought the brightest smile on her face. This past month had been a blessing for Jane, and even if living under the same roof and spending almost their entire days together while remaining independent and keeping their privacy safe was something she did not think was possible, they had seemed to have found the perfect balance between their irresistible desire to spend time together and their need for privacy.

"Oh Jane, what have you done?" The second she stepped into the house and saw the dinner table Maura remembered what today was and almost collapsed at the thought of having to tell Jane what she had been hiding from her for several days now.

"Well today is our first month anniversary and since we have the house for ourselves until Mrs Ryan comes back from visiting her children in California, I thought we could use this opportunity to celebrate it instead of going to town." Dropping the towels she had in her hands on the kitchen isle, Jane took a few steps towards her beautiful girlfriend and seeing the look on her face knew she had probably forgotten which was untypical for her and started to wonder if something was troubling her.

"You're sweet. I don't deserve you." Unable to hold her tears Maura literally collapsed in Jane's arms, burying her head in her chest. Why did this have to happen now, after everything they had put themselves through before being together? They had spent years struggling to face their feelings and gather the courage and build up the necessary trust to act on them and a stupid accident was going to ruin all that.

"Oh baby, what's going on? Did something happen?" As Jane pulled Maura in her arms and walked her towards the living room she immediately sensed that something bad had happened. Maura was the most self controlled person she had ever met and for her to collapse like that something terrible must have had happened.

"I…I have something to tell you." As she sat on the large green sofa Maura took a few seconds to consider her words carefully. Actually she had spent the past few days torturing herself trying to figure out the best way to explain the situation to Jane.

"I'm listening." Sitting next to Maura, Jane gently kissed her left temple and started to pat her back with her right hand. What ever was happening or had happened Maura was heart broken about it and Jane's job as her girlfriend was to sit and hold her hand while she confessed everything to her and most importantly to remain perfectly calm no matter how surprising or hurtful it might be.

"Please tell me you love me and that you always will." Her voice slightly shaking and tears streaming down her face Maura needed reinsurance, she needed to be certain that Jane would stay by her side regardless of what had happened. Realistically Maura knew that no matter how devoted Jane was she could not except her loyalty to extend to what she was about to confess but still needed to hear the words.

"Oh Maura. Of course I love you and I always will. You're my soul mate and nothing could ever me love you less so just breath and tell me what's going on and what ever it is we'll face it together." Clenching her hand around the fabric of her jeans Jane cursed herself for not seeing how hurt Maura was. She had been so absorbed in their relationship and enjoying finally being together that she had obviously not seen that something had been troubling Maura, possibly for weeks and she needed to make it right.

"When you left I was lost. I literally stopped eating, caring for myself and I could barely focus on my professional responsibilities. About a week after you left, I remember being home trying to finish writing this autopsy report when it hit me : you were gone and you clearly had no intention of calling me to tell me you were okay and I had this incredible feeling that you were not coming back. When I came to that realisation I almost collapsed but I didn't. Instead I decided to hate you for leaving me like that and to use that anger to put myself back together. I know it's incredibly unhealthy but it worked, at least for a little while." Maura's eyes were furtive and despite her best effort she could not bring herself to look at Jane in the eye. Hearing Jane's reaction that she expected to be vivid was already more than she knew she could handle but seeing the pain and disappointment in her eyes was something she wasn't willing to face, as coward as it was.

"I can understand that Maura. I know I deserve it and that it's going to take time for me to make you forgive me for abandoning you but I promise I will do everything in my power and beyond to fix it." Maura had been in Berlin six week ago but it was the first time she acknowledged the anger that had build up inside her when she left. She had spent so much time trying to understand and help Jane with her issues that she put her own feelings aside and Jane had a feeling that she could not burry her feelings inside anymore.

"I know you will but that's not what I want to discuss here." Here she was, seconds away from confessing her fault to Jane and she had no idea how to tell her.

"Alright. I'm still listening." So her built up anger was not was had caused her to collapsed? What was it then? What could she have done that troubled her to that extend?

"So that night, after I had that epiphany, I decided to go out and have a drink to try to get you out of my mind. I met that guy and went home with him. I remember waking up the next morning feeling nauseous and completely empty inside. The anger I had been feeling for you had turned into self hatred for what I had done. I'm so sorry Jane. It didn't mean anything. God I don't even remember his name." As she said those words Maura literarily burst into tears again. She could barely breath, let alone articulate a coherent sentence but unfortunately for her that was only half way through her confession.

"Hey Maura, look at me. You didn't do anything wrong : you thought I was not coming back and you tried to move on and besides we weren't together at the time so there is nothing to be sorry for okay?" She had caused this. She had made her so miserable that she had lead her straight into some random guy's bed and now she could barely forgive herself for sleeping with someone else when she knew she had feelings for Jane. How could Jane ever manage to make Maura forgive her for hurting her so much that she did something irreversible that had lead to a deep hatred of herself?

"Yes there is…." Breath Maura, just breath, everything is going to be okay. Just like Jane said, there is nothing to be sorry for, this was an accident, with wonderful consequences.

"Tell me.." As she heard those words Jane suddenly patting Maura's back and let her Detective skills took over. No, that couldn't be it? Was Maura trying to tell her that she's…No, no, no, that could not be, not now, not under those circumstances.

"Did you know that a woman's menstrual cycle could be influenced and compromised by many factors such as diet, stress, lack of sleep, hormonal imbalance and that it's not uncommon for a woman to have her periods twice a month or to miss them once in a while?" Now that was a complete random fact that Jane did not need to hear but it might give her a hint on where this conversation is going.

"Yes I do. Actually I didn't have my periods for three months after Hoyt took me the first time. My therapist told me that it was perfectly natural, that I had suffered both a physical and emotional trauma and that it was the way my body had found to cope with it, by shutting down." With that random medical fact Jane's suspicions were confirmed. How was she supposed to react? Stand up and run? Of course not. Instead she moved closer to Maura and gently squeezed her hand knowing she needed strength to say the actual words that she knew would change their lives for ever.

"Exactly and I personally have a tendency of missing my periods when we're working on a particularly though case that either compromises my eating or sleeping habits or that affects my psychologically or if something significant happens in my personal life so I didn't pay to much attention when I missed them a first time five weeks ago." The further Maura was going the less comfortable she was and the harder her heart was hammering her chest. She knew that Jane had probably put the pieces together already but she owed it to her to say the actual word.

"Well if your cycle is affected by your emotional state of mind I can understand why you missed them. The first two weeks you were here were pretty tough for you."

"Yes, but if I can miss them once, missing them twice is something that should not have happened, especially since things are going so well between us." Come on Maura, just say it! Don't torture her like that!

"What are you trying to tell me?" Maura's reluctance to just say it out loud started to irritate Jane. She understood her hesitation and how difficult it was for her but she needed to know if her suspicions were correct or not.

"I'm about 7 weeks pregnant Jane." As she finally allowed the words to slipped out of her mouth Maura immediately turned her head towards Jane and squeezed her hand as hard as she could to keep her from leaving. She knew Jane well enough to expect a vivid reaction from her.

"Are you sure?" Of course she was sure, but right now Jane needed was to gain a few seconds to come up with something appropriate to say. Things had been going so well over the past month and she did not want to destroy everything by acting like a complete jerk.

"I took a home pregnancy test about a few days ago that turned out to be positive and as a result booked an appointment with an OBGYN in town who drew my blood. I just got the results today and they confirmed that according to my HCG level I'm indeed seven pregnant." As she swallowed her saliva Maura looked at Jane's facial expressions and tried to analyse them. She seemed relatively calm and to her big surprise it did not seem like she was going to storm out.

"Did he give you an ultrasound?" Rising her head to look at her in the eyes Jane immediately realised that Maura had been helping her around the farm for the past 6 weeks and knew that even if she kept her from the most physical chores, working too hard could endanger the foetus.

"Yes and I was able to see the baby but the doctor was not able to locate a heart beat yet." Maura replied, her voice slightly quieter. Jane's quietness was an indication that she was taking the news relatively well and helped her bring her heart beat down.

"Is that normal?" Panicked at the idea that something wrong might had happened to the baby Jane instinctively reach out for Maura's belly. Strangely, she had seen Maura wearing tight shirt but had never noticed if she had put on some weight but now that she knew that she was pregnant she could see a small baby bump.

"It happens. Heart beat can usually be located during the 7th weeks but sometimes later. I booked another appointment next week." Was Jane's concern a way of showing her she was okay with what was happening? Was she going to take responsibility for that child that was not hers? Would she be able to love him or her as her own? All those questions kept on crushing Maura's brain but she knew she could not mention anything to Jane right now, she needed to cope with that news in her own way before they could make any decision.

"Good. Let's hope the little peanut is alright." Looking down at Maura's belly Jane could barely believe that a tiny human being was growing inside of her. Strangely, unlike Maura she had no question running through her brain. Right now she was calm and focused on that small bump and she needed time to apprehend what was happening, the questions would come later.

For the next half hour, until the stove started to ring telling them dinner was ready, Maura sat there, her hand on Jane's hand that was still on her stomach.

Like Jane she knew that questions would come later but right now all she could to was to give Jane the time she needed to absorb the news, hoping that her pregnancy did not mean the end of them.

Jane and her had only been dating for a month and despite knowing they were meant for each other they were still taking things slow and had not talk about having children. In fact Jane wasn't even ready to come out to her family yet and that child was surely something she was definitely not ready for.

Actually thinking about it Maura remembered various conversations she had shared with Jane when they were friends, where she stated that she would never have children. Was that lack of desire linked to the fact that she was not willing or ready to engage in a serious relationship? Could she change her mind the way she did about being in a long term relationship? Those were another few questions that would probably find an answer soon enough.

**Hello dear readers! What did I tell you? You did not see that coming right? I actually got that idea as I wrote chapter five I have being keeping in up in my sleeve ever since.**

**I know many of you commented that the pace of this story was perfect and I hope that this twist isn't ruining everything and that it will give a new dimension, a new energy to the story and maybe push Jane to man up and take responsibilities for her feelings.**

**Please give me your two cents on this. This story was perfect so far and I'm scared that I might have screwed it up...**


	16. Baby steps

**To TS : I read your review where you said you had the feeling I was going the easy way by choosing a twist that I had used before. I'm gladly going to prove you wrong. This has nothing to do with "unconditional support" and this child will not be a quick fix to Jane's issues. She's still going to struggle to accept herself as a lesbian while supporting Maura to the best of her abilities. In this chapter I explain how she got pregnant and I hope the explanation satisfies you. Enjoy this chapter and don't hesitate to give me your impressions.**

**Chapter 16 :**

**Baby steps : **

After spending half an hour in silence holding hands, staring at each other's feet Jane and Maura finally had dinner. It was composed of a delicious risotto as the main course and a sweet tiramisu that Jane had spent the entire afternoon preparing, following Angela's instructions over the phone. Despite being excited to celebrate their first month as a couple both women remained silent during the entire dinner, neither of them being able to find the appropriate words.

Around nine o'clock the two women decided to call it a night and as they were climbing the stairs leading to their respective bedrooms Maura couldn't help but thinking that this baby was either the beginning of something beautiful or the end of their relationship. Either way the situation she had put herself in was definitely a game changer.

"Well it looks like you're here." Over the past month the couple had shared their bed on regular basis, sleeping in each other arms but Maura had a feeling that Jane needed to be alone tonight so she respectfully let go of Jane's hand and turned around towards her bedroom.

"No, we're here." As she looked down at Maura who was obviously avoiding eye contact Jane realised that her silence during dinner might have hurt her feelings and felt compelled to pull her in her arms, showing her she was not going anywhere.

"Don't you want to sleep on your own tonight?" As she suddenly rose her head Maura's eyes were filled up with stars. Ever since she had started to suspect a possible pregnancy she had literally been torturing herself considering every possible scenario and had prepared herself to see Jane pushing her away. She remembered Jane telling her she was tired of running away but knew that in order for Jane to cope with this life changing news she would need time and space and that giving it to her would probably be the best way of proceeding. Luckily for her and very surprisingly Jane did not particularly seem eager to push her away, actually as she felt her strong arms around her Maura felt that Jane needed to be with her, in the most physical, affectionate, fusional way and she could not wait to climb in bed and snuggle in her arms.

"No, I don't. I'll have other opportunities to be by myself but tonight I want to sleep in your arms where I belong." As surprising as it was, Jane did not want to isolate herself to reflect on the news Maura had just dropped on her, instead she wanted to talk to her about it. She did not want to run anymore.

"Alright then. Let me change and brush my teeth and I will with you in a few minutes." Maura replied as she gently brushed Jane's mouth with her lips.

A few minutes later the two women were lying in bed next to each other, at reasonable distance. The atmosphere was not as warm as it was when they usually decided to spend the night together. Maura was obviously dying to slid closer to Jane, rest her head on her chest, listen to her heart beat and feel her arm around her shoulder but she did not know where to draw the line between giving Jane the presence she obviously needed and being too touchy with her.

"I did not have unprotected sex. I did not feel anything at the time but the condom but have broke." Out of nowhere Maura felt compelled to justify herself, to make sure Jane did not think she had behaved irresponsibly.

"It happens, nothing to be ashamed of, really." Jane knew that Maura was feeling extremely guilty for having sex with someone else and the last thing she wanted was for her to beat herself up even more about getting pregnant.

"Yes, I know that condoms are only 98% reliable and that to prevent pregnancy it's wise to use a second type of contraception such as contraceptive pills."

"Better safe than sorry I guess." Jane was never comfortable talking about sex with anyone and Maura's self awareness and confidence regarding that particular topic was often unsettling but she had a feeling that Maura was trying to make a point here and was eagerly waiting for the rest of her medical lecture.

"Absolutely and do you want to know the most ironic part of that whole situation? I had booked an appointment with my OBGYN to have a contraceptive implant installed that was supposed to make life easier for me but I had to cancel twice because of the last case we were working on." Irony or fate? Right now and as much as she wanted to believe that this child was a blessing and they were all going to be a happy family, Maura could not help but seeing it as a threat, another challenge that could compromise the newly found and still fragile happiness that had settled between Jane and her.

"And you stopped taking the pill…"

"Yes. My prescription coincidentally ran out and because I had not planned on having sexual intercourse with anyone before I could re schedule my appointment and have the implant installed, I did not renew it. You must think I'm some Doctor to be that irresponsible and sleeping with a stranger without proper contraception." Palming her face with both hands Maura realised how reckless and unsafe her behaviour had been. What in the name of god could have possessed her to go out, get inebriated and follow a complete stranger home? The answer was easy to come up with : it was the hatred she had build up towards Jane for abandoning her and that desire to get her out of her system that had pushed her to act irresponsibly. Luckily for Jane, as the overly reasonable and rational that she was Maura knew that blaming Jane was completely absurd, that she had put herself in that though situation all by herself.

"Of course not. In your situation I would have stopped taking the pill too and it's not your fault if the condom broke, these things happens, you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about." Jane could hear the self loathing that Maura had been quietly building up inside her since that night and could feel that it was literally eating her alive.

"I know I did not do anything wrong, it's just that the thought of expecting a child feels odd." Being raised as an only child Maura had always felt extremely lonely and not only she had spent her entire life wondering what it would be like to have siblings but over the past few years she had not stop thinking about starting her own family, hoping it would fill the void that her felt inside her heart her entire life. Despite the lack of a partner to build this family with Maura's biological clock had been ticking for quite some time now but she had never imagined that her dream of being a mother would become true under those circumstances. Should she embrace the situation? She wanted to, but again she could not help but thinking that the price for realising her dream might be too high if it meant losing the only person she ever pictured herself having that family with.

"Really? I was under the impression that your biological clock had started ticking, especially since we worked that case where you performed that C section."

"Yes, it's true. Working on that case ignited my maternal desires but I'm perfectly aware of how irresponsibly I behaved and that my actions might compromise everything we fought so hard and for so long to build." Maura's arms were crossed on her belly and she was looking straight towards her toes, she could not, would not look at Jane.

"It won't. Look Maura, I realise that I still have a lot of things that I need to sort out but I want to be there for you and this child in any way I can. Who knows maybe this new challenge is exactly the kick in the ass I need to finally stop being so self absorbed and start thinking about someone else other than myself." As much as she loved Maura and her rather gentle touch, Jane was well aware that she had that incredible ability to repress her feelings and desires and that unless someone or something came to shake her up she could burry them inside indefinitely and settle in that situation.

"You're not self absorbed Jane. You're going through a process that takes time and I do not want you to rush things because you feel obligated to take responsibility for this child. I'm the one who had sex and got pregnant and it should remain my problem, not yours." That was so typical of Jane, taking responsibility and claiming ownership over everyone else's problems to the point of neglecting her own. Actually that altruism was exactly that had caused Jane to burry herself in denial for so long, she had spent so much time and energy solving her family's issues that she never took the time to reflect and work on her own and Maura was determined not to be another burden she felt compelled to deal with. They had work too hard and for too long and had achieve too much to push Jane's issues aside to focus on hers.

"Hey Maura, look at me. This child is not a problem, it's a blessing and I meant what I said, I'm with you, all the way." As she said those words Jane quickly flipped on her right said and cupped Maura's face with her right hand, forcing her to look at her in the eyes.

"I just don't want to lose you Jane and if it means not keeping this baby then I won't." There it was, the scary truth : Jane was the only friend and family Maura ever had and she was willing to sacrifice her dream of being a mother if it meant keeping their relationship intact. She did not even have to consider it, the words simply slipped trough her teeth and the tears immediately filled her eyes up as she came to that sad realization.

"Hey, hey. What did I just say? I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I know that I'm far from being the girlfriend or parent you and this child deserve but I'm getting there and if you bare with me a little longer I promise I will take good care of you alright?" Biting her lower lip to keep herself from bursting in tears as well Jane softly kissed Maura's forehead and gently pulled against her. The simple thought that Maura would terminate this pregnancy and renounce to something that was the most natural and precious desire in the world for a woman enraged her. She could not accept that Maura would give up her dream for her, she was not worth it but knew Maura too well to feel the seriousness of her words.

"I know you will. I'm sorry, it's just that being with you, building a life together with a child to seal our love has always been the only thing I truly wanted ever since we met but I did not expect it to happen like that. I feel that I ambushed you." Slowly calming down as she felt Jane's thumb gently rubbing her shoulder Maura realized that she had everything she had ever wanted and that as long as Jane was on board she should not feel guilty and simply enjoy this precious moment.

"No, you did not. Do I feel this is happening way too soon and am I scared to death? Yes, but on the other hand I think we lost too much time enslaved by our own fears. The only thing that matter is that I love you that I'm going to love that baby, so let's just breath and take things one step at the time." Sighing as she kissed Maura's forehead one more time Jane knew that it was easier said than done and that she would probably spend the next few months questioning and doubting her ability to be a good life partner and mother. Hell she was scared to death of not being reliable enough to be the head of a family but she had no intention of showing any of that self loathing to Maura. She knew that Maura needed her to step up and hold her hand every day for the rest of her pregnancy and as scared of failing as she was, she truly wanted to be the best mother and partner possible for Maura and her unborn child.

"Baby steps." Was this excess of self confidence real or was it just a facade? Right now it did not matter, all Maura needed was to feel safe in Jane's warm arms and hear her say that everything was going to be alright, reality would kick in soon enough.

**Hello guys… Thank you so much for the support on the last chapter. It was a make it a break it chapter for me and I'm glad you're all on board. So Jane decided to step up and take responsibility for this child. Well that's a good news but it doesn't mean that all her issues are solved, far from it actually. There will a lot of questioning and a maybe few sets back and while I'm not really sure on how to proceed from now on I will do my best to keep this journey realistic and to give you a good story!**


	17. The end of the tunnel

**To TS : You did not upset me at all. Actually you pointed out a few things that did not make sense and thanks to you I was able to explain them. Thank you!**

**Chapter 17 :**

**The end of the tunnel :**

The next morning Jane woke up around 6 am as per her usual schedule but instead of getting out of bed to execute her morning chores around the farm decided to stay in bed.

Lying on her left side watching Maura sleep Jane had this feeling that the vacation was over and that it was time to go back to reality. She always knew that bubble she and Maura had trapped themselves was never meant to last for ever, but now that Maura was pregnant there was no escaping reality anymore.

Was she ready to go back to Boston, did she even want to? The answer was simple : no. Jane was perfectly happy in Berlin far from her familial and professional responsibilities and the last thing she wanted was going back to that oppressing life she had left behind two months ago. Unfortunately, after spending two months focusing on herself, reflecting on her issues and trying to come to term with who she was, Jane knew she could not afford to be selfish anymore.

Not only Maura had left her career, her friends behind but there was now a child that in only a few months would need a loving and stable environment. Despite being determined to make things works Jane was realistic enough to know that being in Boston surrounded by their friends and family was what both Maura and the baby needed and that she had to comply regardless of her own needs.

Around 8 am Maura finally started to wake up, the sun on her face and Jane beautiful eyes looking down at her.

"Good morning sleeping head." As she gently brushed a strand of hair from across Maura's face Jane slowly leaned over and kissed her tenderly. That short but tender moment when Maura woke up and looked up at her wearing the most intense smile was her favourite moment of the day. During that split second she felt loved and save could almost forget about the abyss she had slowly let herself drown in.

"Good morning Detective. Why are you still in bed?" God she loved feeling Jane's body pressing against her and that warm, smooth, perfectly toned belly rubbing against her. If it was up to her she would just flip over Jane, tear her trade mark white tank top apart and….Oh well, she'd rather not torture herself with that delicious thought. It was still too soon for both of them to take that step especially since they had a new challenge to face that would probably require all their attention.

"Well, since Mrs Ryan left me in charge of the farm in her absence, I figured it was my prerogative to delegate some of the work I usually do in the morning. So I texted the guys and asked them to cover for me so I could spend the morning in bed with my beautiful better half." As Maura had flipped on her right side their two bodies were as closed as they possibly could so Jane slowly slid her fingers under her top of Maura's black silk PJ's and started to roam her fingers on her back making her shiver almost instantly.

"That's very sweet of you, but by the rather serious look on your face I have the feeling that you have not spent the past two hours simple watching me sleep. Do you mind telling me what's on your mind." After the bomb she had dropped on Jane last night she expected her to have spent the night analysing the situation, trying to make sense of it and to convince herself that she was strong enough to help her through this pregnancy and to raise that child with her. Unfortunately Maura knew Jane well enough to know that behind that apparent self confidence she was hiding a deep self loathing personality and that it would be up to her to boost her self confidence.

"I was thinking that it might be time for us to go back to Boston. I mean, you're pregnant and you're gonna need things that you can only find in Boston." _Things I can't provide you with_ were the words she wanted to finish her sentence with but instead she looked down and slightly shook her head.

"Such as?" There it was, Jane's lack of self confidence. Maura had spent the past two months focusing on Jane's internal homophobia, trying to convince her that despite what the church said it was okay to be gay and that her mother and loved ones would not reject her and that what people at work thought did not matter but they had not start working on Jane's lack of confidence yet.

"Such as world class OBGYN, a familiar and stable environment and support that I'm sure only my mother can provide, you know since she had three children. She could help you in ways that I can't. " Shrugging her shoulders Jane opened her about her feelings of inadequacy for the second time since they had moved here. She did not want to overwhelm Maura with by throwing more issues to solve in their relationship but she owed it to that child to be the best parent she possibly could be and the first step towards that person was to confide in Maura and ask for her help.

"Oh Jane. Look at me. First of all, I absolutely adore the ogbyn I have found in town. Not only she's competent and delicate but she's very cheerful and optimistic, so I truly do not miss my previous obgyn. As for your mother, I sure would like for her to be involved in this pregnancy and in our child's life but I refuse to pressure you to go back to Boston just so I can have your mother close. You're everything me and that child need Jane, your mother can visit when ever she wants. " Our child? Maura had just told Jane she was pregnant but she was confident and trusted Jane's commitment enough to use that terminology. As strange as it may sound she had a feeling that the more involved Jane would feel the more incline she would be to overcome her insecurities. She knew that to protect and take care of the people she loved Jane was capable of moving mountains and that all she needed to give her that strength was to make her bond with that child .

"Are you saying that you want to stay here on a permanent basis, to raise your baby here?" Was Maura sincere? Was this offer another sacrifice she was willing to make for her or was it a genuine, thoroughly considered offer?

"Yes. I told you when I first came here that I would be perfectly happy to live here at the farm with you and now that I found out that I'm pregnant I'm even more convinced that this place would be the environment to raise this baby." Looking up at Jane Maura could see the disbelief in her girlfriend's eye so as an attempt to convince her gently placed Jane's hand on her belly.

"What about your job?You worked so hard you entire life." Jane knew that Maura had worked and trained very hard to make a name for herself and to be considered as more than her parents' daughter and that becoming the Chief Medical Examiner of the commonwealth of Massachusetts was the achievement of a life time and she could not imagine taking that away from her.

"Yes, I did. I trained and studied for over ten years to become a Medical Examiner and also fought for years to earn a solid reputation and the respect of my peers. But be honest with you I feel that I missed so much because I was focusing on my career. Now that I know that I'm expecting a child I realize that I don't want to be one of those mothers that compromises her and the baby's health by working during her pregnancy. I want this baby to be as healthy as possible and I have every intention of resting and keeping myself from any professional preoccupation that would cause unnecessary stress. But most importantly I do not want to be like my mother who neglected me during my entire childhood because she was too busy either teaching or travelling the world. Once this child is old enough to go to school I might apply for a medical license here and work at the local ME's office but for now I'm perfectly happy considering myself as a mother." Maura was everything but a housewife. She had traveled the world with her parents, volunteered with Doctors without borders, had committed herself to her family foundation for years and was always eager to try new intense activities such as swimming with sharks or sky diving but for the first time in her life she just wanted to stay still and enjoy herself and that new life that was presenting itself to her.

"It looks like you considered this carefully." Scratching the back of her head Jane realized that Maura had every quality to be a parent : she was not only extremely caring and devoted but she also had this fantastic ability to make plans, to consider every single details and scenario and to come up with the best solution. Jane on the other hand never planned anything, she used her instincts not only to solve crimes but also to make decisions in her personal life but she had a feeling that things were about to change, that becoming a parent required to be organised and was counting on Maura to help her through that transition.

" I have. Well unless you really miss your job and want to go back to Boston." With that sentence Maura was giving the opportunity to Jane to come clean with the real reasons that had lead her to escape Boston. She knew that the overwhelming of her feelings weren't the only reasons that had lead her to run away and after two months of slowly building a strong and honest dialogue she was hoping to get to the bottom of it.

"You know what? As crazy as it might sound I do not miss my job. I sure miss Frost and Korsak but the job itself no, I don't miss it at all. Actually…Can I confess something to you?" Jane replied biting her bottom lip. What made Jane feel so confident and strong when she was with Maura was the way she looked at her, with that admiration in her eyes and she did not want to break the image she had of her more than already had. She had already exposed her cowardliness to her and did not want to lose the little respect Maura had left for her by revealing more of her selfishness.

"You can tell me anything." After everything Jane had already confessed to her Maura could not imagine what could be that terrible that she would keep it from her for that long. When would it stop? Would they ever be happy without any drama to pull them apart?

"As you know I left because I could not stand those feelings I have for you anymore. I could not work with you every single day, being completely in love with you knowing we would never meant to be together. But one of the other reasons why I left is because… I just could not be myself anymore. I was sick and tired of being that hero people except me to be. Not only I was putting myself on the line every single day for complete strangers whom I know would never return the favour but I just couldn't deal with my family's drama anymore. I know how selfish it is, but I just needed to live for myself for a change without having to rescue the entire city." Oh boy, that was probably one of the hardest thing Jane ever had to confess to Maura. She had spent so many years being exactly the person people expected her to be that she did not know how to be herself anymore, hell she did not know who she was anymore.

"It's not selfish Jane. You have always been very committed to your job and to being your family care taker and I can only imagine how exhausting both physically and emotionally those responsibilities must have been for you. Even if I found your family's drama fairly entertaining I can only imagine how having to rescue Tommy every time he's in trouble or help your your mother through her various life crisis must affect you." Truth be told Maura had always wondered how Jane had managed to comply with her responsibilities for that long without collapsing.

"To be honest, you're the reason why I haven't had a nervous breakdown earlier. Your support helped me keep my sanity, thank you." As she said those word Jane gently rolled on top on Maura and started to kiss her passionately. Maura was right, they had everything they needed right here, right now.

"You don't have anything to thank me for. You have done more for me than you can imagine and it will be my absolute pleasure to move to berlin on a permanent basis." Smiling as she gently broke the kiss Maura was trying to control Jane's urges which seemed to increase exponentially every time they kissed.

"So it's a done deal?We're staying here?"

"Yes we are. Once you feel ready we could drive back to Boston to make the official announcement and this opportunity to pack the rest of our things and give your apartment back to your landlord." What Maura was hoping for was that knowing she was pregnant would give Jane the push she needed to finally come out to her family and friends because she could not wait to tell Angela about the baby.

"Does that include Bass?" Frowning as she mentioned Maura's faithful pet Jane realized moving here on a more permanent basis might turn out to be logistically challenging.

"Of course Jane. Bass has been my pet for over ten years now. I can not imagine spending the rest of my life away from him. I'm sure he's going to love it here."

"What about your house?"

"Your mother could move into the main house. I know how much she loves living there and I have no intention of pushing her out not to mention that we need a house for when we visit." Maura already had a mansion in Boston or at least her parents did so she did not need to keep that house but she knew that Angela did not have the financial resources to have a place on her own and was more than happy to provide her with one.

"Alright. Well how about we wait until until your next ultrasound and then drive back to Boston. I'm sure Ma is going to cry when she sees the baby and hears its heart." Jane was confident that Angela would be excited to be a part of that child's life, she considered Maura as her own daughter after all. The question was : how would she feel about Jane being the baby's second parent? Would the wonderful news smooth things up a bit and keep Angela from having a complete meltdown? Would she accept her for who she was : a lesbian that was about to raise a child with her best friend whom she was madly in love with?

"My next appointment is next week Jane, are you sure you're ready for this?" Wow, talking about self confidence...

"I'm not ready but we need to do this. I can not continue to live in this lie Maura and more importantly I can not continue to force you to. " The things Maura had done for Jane, to be with were heart breaking. Not only she had left her entire life behind her but she had somehow changed who she was. She had not only started lying to Angela about the reason of Jane's sudden departure but most importantly she was lying about who she was and that thought was unbearable for Jane.

"It's true I usually don't particularly care for secrets but this is our lives and what ever is going on between us is not anyone's business." . To be with Jane Maura had changed who she was, she had made incredible compromises but wasn't what love was all about? Doesn't it change you, transform you to a more complete, less self involved person?

"I agree but how can we raise that child to be honest, to take responsibility for his or her actions and most importantly to be proud of who she or he is if we don't apply those principles to ourselves? I don't want to bring a child into a world of lies Maura. There is nothing to be ashamed or scared about. We love each other and we're going to have a baby. Life could not be more perfect." Just like that, she made her decision. She would not hide who she was anymore, no to herself, not to her family and friends. In just seven months she was going to be a mother and she could not bare the thought of turning this wonderful event into a lie.

"I certainly concur. I love you." To keep herself form bursting in tears Maura pulled Jane closer to her and started to kiss her, roaming her fingers on her back. After years of struggling with their feelings they were finally approaching the end of the tunnel and as bright as the light was it was also extremely inviting and comforting.

**Yes I know, last chapter was posted two days ago. I'm spoiling you! What can I say? I was inspired!**

**Finally some progress! I don't know if it's too soon or not but Jane is right, they can't bring a child into this world under those circumstances. They need to come out and give their loved one the closure they need( even if they already suspect something.)**

**Next chapter will focus on Maura's pregnancy, prepare yourself for some baby fluff ;)**


	18. Wake up call

**Chapter 18 :**

**Wake up call :**

For the next few minutes the two women continued to kiss, Maura still lying on her back her legs snaked around Jane's thighs and her hands wandering on her back and Jane on top of her comfortably settled between her legs.

The kiss itself was not rough or even passionate but rather tender but what Jane did not realise was that she was stroking her pelvis against Maura's inner thighs. That simple friction managed to arouse Maura to a point she had never experienced before and she knew that it was only a matter of seconds before Jane could feel the dampness through the fabric of her PJ's.

"Jane." Almost out of breath that was the only word Maura managed to whimper as the gently broke the kiss.

"Yes." Unlike Maura, Jane did not want to stop there. She wanted to taste, devour her.

"I think we should take a break, if that's okay with you." Her desire was as strong if not stronger than Jane's but she knew this wasn't the time for this so despite feeling her clitoris literally throbbing, Maura gently put pressure on the mattress with her feet to lift herself up a bit leaving Jane with a plain view of her gorgeous breasts.

"Oh Maura, I'm sorry I didn't realise I was putting that much pressure on your stomach." Brought back to reality Jane quickly slid next to Maura to avoid hurting her.

"It's all right Jane. You weren't hurting me. It's just that I could not breath. You really do have strong lungs. That plus your italian blood that gives you that natural passionate personality and we have a deadly combination." Maura was not the kind of woman who was usually aroused by a simple kiss regardless of how intense it was but there was something about Jane that turned her on instantly.

"And you've seen nothing yet. So anyway we should try to come up with a plan if we want to settle here in Berlin." A plan, now that was a first. Never in her personal life Jane had bothered to come up with a plan, she had always taken things as they came but she knew that those days were over now that Maura was pregnant.

"You're absolutely right. I know that Mrs Ryan was more than happy to welcome us into her home because not only she needed help with the farm but also because she was feeling lonely but I don't think it would be fair to impose our baby to her."

"Well, you know how she's always telling us how much she misses her children and grand children and how they always try to convince her to move to Florida and that every time she visits them she's a step closer to accept?" Not that Jane wanted to chase Mrs Ryan from her own farm but she could not bare the thought of having to leave this farm. Part of why she was so happy at the moment was because of this farm, of the immensity of the landscapes that gave her this freedom she lacked in Boston and she was determined to do everything in her power to protect that simple way of life as long as possible.

"Yes, she really misses them and I can feel how much it pains her not to see her grand children grow up. I think that the older she gets the more she needs to be close to them and I believe that if it wasn't for this farm she would have moved in with them a long time ago and enjoyed a well deserved retirement." Nodding Maura realised that Jane was up to something and started to think that she might have found the perfect arrangement that would both satisfy Mrs Ryan and provide them with ideal living conditions.

"Exactly. Since none of her children want to take over the farm her only solution would be to sell it and I don't think she's ready for that. Hell, I don't think she'll ever be ready to consider that option and it's keeping her away from her family." Lying on her left side Jane's right hand was resting on Maura's belly and without paying attention she was gently stroking her skin with her thumb.

"This farm has been in her husband's family for over a hundred years and I for once can empathise with her reluctance, god knows I don't think I will ever be able to sell my parents' mansion, god forbid they passed away." Lying on her back, her left hand lifted up behind her head, Maura was slowly calming down, her breathing was less erratic and the dampness was slowly disappearing. She was safe, for now.

"Exactly. So I was thinking we could offer her to take care of the farm so she could move to Florida and be with her family knowing she doesn't have to sell the it and that people she knows and trusts are taking good care of it." So that was it? Were Jane and Maura leaving their careers in law enforcement to become farmers? As shocking and almost unbelievable as this drastic change seemed considering it felt natural for both of them.

"It looks like we have a plan. Speaking of Mrs Ryan, there is something I need to tell you." Biting her bottom lip Maura took a second to consider her choice of word carefully as not to offend Jane.

"Let me make an educated guess : you told her you were pregnant after you took that home pregnancy test."

"Yes. I'm so sorry Jane. I know I should have told you first but when I saw that the test was positive I literally collapsed on the bathroom's floor and burst into tears. Mrs Ryan heard me and comforted me. She did not probe for details but I somehow felt compelled to confide in her." Holding her breath Maura closed her eyes expecting Jane to feel betrayed and to storm out of the room. Not only she had betrayed her by sleeping with that man but she had kept the secret on her pregnancy for over a week and she was now admitting confiding in Mrs Ryan first. Jane had every reason to feel betrayed, even more than she already did.

"It's okay Maura, I can only imagine how overwhelming finding out you were pregnant must have been for you. I should be the one apologising. If I had not been so closeted and if I had stepped up and and told my mother about us earlier you would have confided in her. I'm sorry for forcing you to lie like this but I promise that from now on we will not keep anything from her and that you'll received all the help and comfort you need from her." Strangely Jane did not feel betrayed and knew how excruciating not being able to confide to her mother must have been for Maura and she could only hope that she would accept their relationship and support them in this new adventure .

"I know and it's okay but I wish we would stop punishing ourselves from our past actions. We're only humans and we make mistakes but what's important now is that we have a child that is going to need both of us and bitterness and self loathing should have no place in our lives." Obviously Maura did not believe a word she was saying and she knew that it was going to take a long time for her to forgive herself but seeing Jane so confident about her mother's reaction to the news, she slowly started to see this baby as a blessing and as the divine intervention Jane needed to finally accept herself.

"Absolutely. Now how about I go down to the kitchen and make us some breakfast? You stay in bed and relax. I'm going to take good care of both of you. I promise." Having a child was probably the biggest responsibility anyone could ever face and despite having fled Boston to escape her familial and professional duties Jane had no intention of dodging that bullet. She sure was scared to death but she knew that having a child with Maura was the most precious gift fate could have given her and she was determined not to screw everything up.

"I would very much appreciate that thank you." That was a relief. For the first time since they got here Maura was finally catching a glimpse at the devoted, determined, family oriented Jane she had fell in love with and seeing her that confident brought her the peace of mind she desperately needed.

The next week passed as fast as a blink of a eye. Because Mrs Ryan was still in Florida with her children Jane was still in charge of supervising the five workers that were on the farm on the daily basis. Taking her new responsibilities very seriously Jane took this opportunity to take a glimpse at what running a farm of that size meant. Not only the farm counted a dozen cows that were used for their milk but also beefs, dozens of chickens, sheep and other animals that were bred and sold to various butchers. Up until now Jane had familiarised herself with the animals's needs and was fairly comfortable with her daily chores but upon Mrs Ryan's departure she discovered the farm's biggest asset and source of revenue : its maple trees. Vermont being the largest Maple syrup's producer in the USA, the business was highly profitable and required the upmost care and knowledge that Jane had yet to acquire. Luckily for her Jane could count on one of Mrs Ryan's oldest and most loyal employe Matthew who had been working on for her the past for the past twenty years and who was an expert in the production of maple syrup. Working along side him for the past ten days Jane knew that if Maura and her were to take over the farm she would need him to stay and continue to take care of the production. As scaring as learning a new job was Jane was excited to do something different with her life and was determined to make it work for Maura and their unborn child.

Today was an important day, a week after taking her first ultrasound and being unable to locate the baby's heart beat Maura was once again lying on Doctor Reese's examination table. Being a doctor Maura knew that not being to locate the heartbeat at seven weeks of pregnancy was not uncommon but she could not help worrying that something might have happened to her baby.

"Would you please just relax. I'm sure the baby is fine so just breath, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." Three months ago Jane was one of Boston most respectied Homicide Detective and had her life under control. Now she was living in Vermont, dating her best friend and they were expecting a child. Things had changed and as scary as it was it also felt incredibly right and refreshing.

For the past week Jane had turned into the most caring, attentive girlfriend Maura could have wished for, bringing her breakfast in bed every morning, massaging her back every night but most importantly she had started to reclaim some of that confidence that had made Maura fall in love with her.

"I know. I'm just a bit nervous but I'm glad you're here. I don't know if I could do this without you." Taking long and deep breath Maura closed her eyes and tried to focus on Jane's warm voice. Things were finally coming into place nicely and there was no reason for her to worry.

"Don't worry about it, you're never gonna have to. I'm here. I love you and I already love this baby." Kissing the top of Maura's hand Jane could not hold her tears anymore. This, as much as she loved and wanted to be with Maura was not something she had ever considered but it felt right, incredibly right.

A few minutes later as the two women were finally more relaxed, Maura's new OBGYN arrived into the consultation room. Her name was Dr Reese, she was about six feet tall with long blonde hair and had the cutest pair of red glasses. Seeing her, feeling her smile literally warming up the room Jane who did not trust easily immediately felt that Maura was in good hands.

"Well Jane, it's very nice to finally meet you. Before we start, do you have any questions?" Civil unions were legalised in 2000 in Vermont and gay marriage was finally voted in 2009 and despite living in a rather small city Dr Reese who had studied in the state's capital Montepelier was comfortable treating sex same couple.

"Well...I don't know, not really. Maura is a Doctor and I'm sure her knowledge is more extended than Wikipedia and that she's gonna start educating me on the subject very soon, right babe?" Oh boy, that is something Jane had not considered : Doctors made the worst patients and she knew that Maura would not be able to refrain from reading every single book on the subject and from sharing that newly acquired knowledge with her.

"I promise I will try not to drown you with unnecessary informations." Maura's thirst for knowledge and her desire share it had always been a part of who she was and Jane had learned to live with it and to patiently listen to her. Luckily for her Maura for once was determined not to overwhelm her with informations that would scare her more than it would comfort her.

"Well you two seem to be the perfect team, but as I said before Maura, please try to disconnect that part of your brain that makes you a Doctor and let me handle this pregnancy, alright?"

"I'm going to try, I promise." Maura trusted Dr Reese with her life and her baby's as well but the idea of being a simple patient was something she was not ready to consider yet. For now she needed to gather as much information as possible hoping that in a few weeks once a appetite satisfied she would be able to be a mother without feeling compelled to be a Doctor.

"Good. Now please just relax." As she spread gel on Maura's belly before passing the transducer back and forth on Maura's belly to try to locate the baby Dr Reese could not help but marvelling at the two love birds holding hands, stars in their eyes. Being an OBGYN, her favourite moment was always the first couple of ultrasound when the parents hear the baby's heart beat for the first time. That split second was by far the most satisfying moment in her patient's pregnancies for her and she could not wait to see Jane's reaction as she first laid her eyes on her unborn baby.

Holding both Maura's hands Jane did not watch the screen, instead she was focusing on her girlfriend's beautiful smile. She knew she needed support and was determined not to keep her eyes away from her. Well that was until Dr Reese finally managed to get the baby's heart beat.

"Oh my god, is that the baby's heart?" Suddenly squeezing Maura's hand as she turned towards the monitor Jane's jaw literally dropped on the floor. That was for sure the sweetest sound she had ever heard in her entire life.

"Yes it is and that little spot here is your baby. It's about 10 millimetres long and the heart beat is 140 bpm which is absolutely perfect. Congratulations." Dr Reese knew how nervous Maura was after being unable to locate the baby's heart bit during their previous consultation and was happy to bring a smile on both mothers' faces.

"Oh my god. I'm really pregnant." Just like that it hit her : she was really expecting her first child. Despite taking a home pregnancy test, having her blood drawn plus going through a first ultrasound Maura had still not realised that she her pregnancy was real but hearing the baby's heart beat so strongly put things in perspective.

"Yes, you are, you're a mother Maura, the most wonderful mother a child could ever have." As she kissed Maura's forehead Jane's tears continued to stream down her face. This was not a dream anymore, in just seven months Maura would give birth to their first child. Jane knew that from that moment there was no going back to the self loathing, constricted existence she was living before and that from now her Maura and the baby's safety and happiness had to come first, that she could not afford to be selfish anymore and somehow it was the most beautiful wake up call she had ever had in her entire life.

**Alright my dear readers...I promised you fluff so here it was and I hope you enjoyed it. I wrote so many pregnancies that I feel there is nothing new I can come up with but I will do my best to find original stuff to write. I have yet to write the next chapter but I think it's going to be quite intense.**

**Thanks for the support.**


	19. When Jane's dreams finally come true

**Chapter 19 :**

**Making dreams come true : **

An hour later Jane and Maura were back at the farm, their eyes still filled up with stars.

Standing in the middle of her bedroom Maura was looking down at the ultrasound she was holding. Stroking the picture with her thumb she could barely believe that this little peanut was her child and that in less then seven months she would give birth to it. Despite being a medical doctor and possessing a vast knowledge on human gestation what was happening inside of her womb scared her to death. No medical school or books could have prepared her for the flow of emotions that were filling up her heart right now.

"Should I start calling you mommy so you can get used to it?" Jane was standing behind Maura, her head was resting on her right shoulder and her arms were snaked around her waist.

"You're sweet but I'd much rather be surprised when our child calls me mommy for the first time." For a week before finally telling Jane she was pregnant Maura had tortured herself trying to imagine how life would be if she had to raise her child by herself but now, feeling Jane's strong and supportive arms around her she knew that she would never have to embrace that thought ever again.

"Alright." As Maura turned around Jane gently pulled her against her and started to kiss her passionately. She knew that in a few months she would not be able to spend as much quality time with her and that it was imperative for them to tighten their relationship before the baby was born if they wanted it to survive this new challenge.

"So Jane, I was thinking that since we have the house for ourselves until tomorrow morning that we could use this opportunity to continue things were we left them last week if you know what I mean." Over the past week Jane had worked almost long and painful hours to learn everything there was to know about the maple syrup business and had unfortunately started to neglect her and as understanding and supportive as she was her libido was starting to get the best of her.

"I know exactly what you mean." As she bite her bottom lip Jane gently pushed Maura on her bed before rolling on top of her. Maybe it was the overwhelming pride and feeling of achievement seeing the baby from the first time had ignited in her but Jane was feeling oddly confident and her desire was aching every pore of her skin.

"Mmm Jane wait." Maura manage to whimper as she rolled her eyes, feeling Jane's lips literally attacking her neck and the tip of her tongue nibbling small circles on her shivering skin.

"Am I putting too much pressure on your belly?" Making love to another woman represented enough of a challenge and she knew that Maura's pregnancy and weight gain would require her best adaption skills if she wanted the experience to be pleasurable for both of them.

"No, it's just that in your dreams I was on top and I would like to keep things as accurate as possible." Without giving Jane the opportunity to object Maura pushed her aside and rolled on top on her.

"Oh, so you're just trying to make my dreams come true, it has nothing to do with you needing to be on top while having sex?" As her head hit the pillow Jane swallowed hard as she realised that she was about the get the ride of her life. Over the past few years she had listened to Maura tell her about her various sexual encounters and knew how insatiable she was and could easily imagine that the novelty of sleeping with a women would probably increase her hunger.

"To be completely honest with you, I always thought that men were despite their best efforts to appear confident were completely clueless when it comes to the female anatomy and it was just easier for me to take charge and avoid awkward and unsatisfying situations. But right now, my only desire is to make your dreams come true so tell me Jane. How was I pleasuring you in those dreams?" In her past sexual encounters Maura's goal was always the same : reach climax as fast and as intensely as possible. There was never any love or emotional connection and she never cared much for it. This was different though, she wanted more. She wanted to build a deep, intense emotional link between her and Jane. She did not want this to be a meaningless shag and was determined to turn this moment into a mutual exchange and exploration of each other's bodies and desires.

"As I said before I don't remember any details but what I do remember is that we were naked, kissing me and wandering your tongue on my body." How strange was that? Only a few months back Maura was Jane's best friend and now she was asking her to strip down. It had taken a long for Jane to feel comfortable with her sexual attraction but she had successfully stopped punishing herself for sexualising Maura.

Nodding as she started to lick her lips in anticipation Maura started to unbutton the white shirt she was wearing. She was sitting on Jane's lap and both her legs were on each side of Jane's body.

"I hope you'll enjoy the view." If there was one thing Dr Maura Isles was confident about was her power of seduction and she had no doubt that seeing her undressed would provoke an intense arousal on Jane's side.

"I already am." Lying on her back, her arms on both sides of her body Jane had to swallow and as Maura slowly dropped her shirt on the floor had and clench her fist around the sheets to keep from grabbing those magnificent breasts. Maura was determined to be in charge and she was not about to defy her authority by attempting something she had not asked her to do.

Looking down at Jane Maura could see the anxiety in her eyes and in an attempt to break the eyes reached out for Jane's hand and placed them on her back, hoping she would take the initiative to unhook her bra.

Trying to take deep but discrete breaths Jane started to roam her fingers on Maura's back until she reached the back of her bra. Looking up at Maura for approval she then slowly unhook her bra and took it off for her, dropping it on the floor.

"Yes, they're real." Smiling as she could almost see the drool streaming down Jane's lips Maura slightly leaned over and started to kiss Jane, gently brushing her lips with the tip of her tongue.

"Forgive me if I don't take your word for it and need to check for myself." And real they were indeed. Not waiting for her approval this time Jane's cupped both Maura's breasts with her hands that were almost too most to contain them.

Feeling Jane gently massaging her breasts and tickling her nipples with her thumb, Maura started to moan. For years she had fantasised about this moment, for endless night she had laid in bed imagining Jane's long and shaking fingers stimulating her breasts and after much anticipation it only took a few seconds for a nipples to erect under Jane's touch.

"So what are your conclusion Detective?" Whispering in Jane's right ear Maura slowly started to wander her right hand on Jane's torso all the way towards the first button of her shirt.

"They're definitely real. " Looking down at Maura's rack Jane who was feeling incredibly cocky started to kiss her left breast, drawing small circle around her erected nipple.

"Oh Jane..." Suddenly feeling less confident Maura felt her fingers trembling, making it impossible for her to unbutton Jane's shirt. Eager to regain control over the situation Maura literally tore Jane's shirt apart, revealing a blue bra.

Jane's tongue tickling her nipples aroused Maura to a point she had never encountered before. Her breathing was short, her pupils were dilating and her inner thighs were aching. As much as she wanted to take her time and make this last to increase their pleasure, she needed to satisfy her impulses.

"Hey, I liked that shirt." Maura's passion, her sudden urge to rip her shirt apart had the effect Maura was hoping for and without Jane noticing it a small spot started to form on her pants.

"I'll buy you a new one, hell I'll buy you the entire store if you just shut up and let me take care of you." As she said those words Maura unhooked Jane's bra which was to be unhooked at the front, revealing her small but perfectly shaped breasts.

"Alright boss." Feeling Maura's desire rising by the second Jane sat up slightly and took her shirt and bra off before allowing herself to fall back on her pillow. Half naked with Maura on top of her Jane, strangely, didn't feel vulnerable or weak, she felt confident and eager to find out what Maura had in mind.

Unwilling to waste another minute with unnecessary talking Maura started to drag her tongue on Jane's collar bone all the way to her left breast and started to devour it. As she gently started to draw small circles around Jane's left nipple she started to wander her right hand on her torso all the way towards her belly button, outlining every muscle of Jane's toned belly. She had seen Jane's abs before and had always found her to be in great shape but working around the farm for the past two months had definitely given her a more define musculature, that far from being masculine suited her very well.

Lying her back, her eyes closed, Jane continued to breath out and to try to empty her mind of unnecessary thoughts to enjoy herself as much as possible. As scared as she was to do this she knew that if she trusted Maura this new experience would be very pleasurable for both of them.

Slowly reaching Jane's pants with her right hand Maura paused for a second and rose her head.

"Tell me if I'm going to fast." The last thing she wanted was to rush things and scare Jane. Yes she was on top but Jane was still setting the pace.

"You're not. I love you, you know that?" As she smiled at Maura's concern Jane gently rushed her lips against her and with that kiss gave her approval to take things further.

"I love you too, just relax okay. I know what I'm doing." Breaking the kiss Maura started to drag her tongue on Jane's torso very, very slowly while unbuttoning her shirt.

Tasting Jane's sweet skin Maura started to gain in confidence and to wonder why they had waited so long to take that step. This, being with Jane, giving herself to her completely was the most natural thing she had ever done and she was determined to turn this new experience into the most pleasure of their lives.

Jane's pants unbuttoned, Maura quickly unzipped it and pulled them down and immediately noticed the rather large spot on Jane's blue panties. Unwilling to embarrass her about it she continued to kiss Jane's belly and place her hands between her legs.

"Oh boy." Arching her back as she felt Maura fingers stroking her clit through the sin fabric Jane parted her legs.

Smiling at Jane's invitation Maura continue to stimulate her until she felt confident Jane was comfortable enough to pull her panties down. Using her left hand to pull them down Maura, feeling her shaking under her touch reached out for Jane's right hand and squeezed it gently.

Jane's pants now on the floor the Detective was now completely, her legs were wide spread and Maura's head was literally between them.

"And now I'm going to taste you until you lose consciousness." Parting Jane's legs a bit wider Maura dragged her tongue from Jane's belly to her inner thighs and without giving time to rise any objection started to stroke her already swollen clitoris with the tip of her tongue.

Jane was wet, dripping wet and as she literally lapped the juice streaming down her folds Maura had a strong feeling that this was the best thing she had ever tasted in her entire life.

"I...Oh boy...I see those anatomy lessons are finally put to good use. Of fuck Maura." Jane panted as she bucked her hips as she felt an intense wave of pleasure striking her entire body.

Feeling Jane's hips rising against her mouth, Maura suddenly started stimulating her clitoris and instead started to tickle her entrance with the tip of her tongue.

Confident that Jane was wet enough Maura, without prior noticed thrusted her tongue deep into Jane's fold and started thrusting in and out of her, plunging in deeper and pulling out more slowly every time.

For the next hour Maura continued to thrust inside of Jane, as deep and powerfully as she could, pulling out completely and taking a few moments to breath when she felt Jane's inner muscles clenching around her tongue. While she was eager to feel Jane come in her mouth she wanted to make this moment last as long as possible to make Jane's climax as intense a possible.

Moving her hips trying to follow Maura's thrusts Jane had stopped breathing and clenched her toes around the sheets every time Maura pressed on her swollen clitoris. The pleasure was building between her legs but every time she was about to come Maura would pull out and wait for her to calm down and she could not take it anymore.

Feeling that Jane could barely handle it anymore Maura gently pulled out for the last time, smiled and made her way up to face Jane.

"I want to look into your eyes when you come. Is it okay if I use my fingers to achieve that?" Settled between Jane's legs, her right hand on her lower belly Maura wanted to make sure that she was not crossing a line and that Jane was ready for something more intense.

"Yes but please do it now. I don't think I can take it much longer." Almost begging Maura to finish her off Jane guided her hand towards her inner thighs.

Nodding at Jane's impatience Maura started to tickle Jane's entrance with her middle finger before gently thrusting one then two fingers inside her.

"You like that baby." Thrusting in and out of Jane's fold as she started to kiss her Maura's inner tiger suddenly awoke. Up until now she had kept things slow and gentle as not to overwhelm Jane but very much like her she could not handle herself anymore. She wanted to fuck the life out of Jane and as promised earlier, make her faint.

"Yes, oh Maur' harder." Bucking her hips, trying to sync her hips movements with Maura's thrusts Jane let a loud and deep moan. Never in her life she had had the opportunity to trust someone and let go that way. But this was different, it wasn't some random guy fucking her, it was Maura, the love of her life making love to her and there was nothing humiliating or scary about that.

"Come for me baby." Using her entire body as leverage to thrust as deep as she possibly could and feeling their two body stroking against each other Maura unleashing all the passion and desire she had accumulated during all those years she had spent forbidding herself from feeling attracted to Jane and it felt good.

"I want you to come too." Reaching out for Maura's inner thighs with her left hand Jane was determined to make this a mutual climax, not a one sided thing.

"Oh, right there Jane." As she felt Jane's middle finger tickling her wet clitoris as she continued to thrust in and out of Jane , Maura started to move her hips back and forth on Jane's hand. Apart from her breasts Jane, up until now, had not touched any of Maura's sensitive spots but it had not kept her from being extremely aroused and wet, so wet that it did not take long for Jane to make her come all over her hand.

A few minutes, that's how long it took for the two women to climax together in a perfectly synced cry of pleasure and relief. After years of denial, self hatred, they were finally able to let go of all that to simply enjoy each other, safe in the love nest they had created in Berlin.

**That was hot, wasn't it? **

**I know the end was a bit brutal but I voluntarily stopped here before Jane could reciprocate properly because I'm planning on writing a follow up chapter. Well that's if you guys are up for it...**


	20. When Maura's dreams come true

**Chapter 20 :**

**When Maura's dreams come true :**

"That was…damn, you really did pay attention during those anatomy classes, that or you already had sex with a woman before." Jane breathed out as she welcomed Maura who had just collapsed on top of her, in her arms.

"No, you are the first woman I have sex with and I agree, it was very enjoyable." Trying to catch her breath as she rested her head on Jane's bare chest Maura could barely articulate a proper sentence. What she was feeling was so overwhelming that she lacked words to describe it.

"I can't believe you were that wet, especially since I barely touching you." Now that was something that certainly boosted Jane's pride and self confidence. The simple thought of arousing Maura without stimulating any of her sensitive spots was something she never even contemplated achieving.

"I can't believe it either. I'm usually much harder to arouse and satisfy but I guess love will do that to you." Finally reaching a slower breathing pattern Maura gently kissed Jane's collar bone and slowly closed her eyes.

"I agree. Give me a minute to catch my breath and I will happy to reciprocate properly." Kissing the top of Maura's head Jane suddenly felt a bit more cocky. She did not know if she possessed the skills to give Maura the same amount of pleasure she had just given her but she was hoping that her passion would suffice and make up for her lack of experience or knowledge of the female anatomy.

"It's okay Jane, I'm perfectly satisfied right now. We have the rest of our lives to explore each other." The truth was that part of her was a bit scared that her recent orgasm was purely the result of the sexual frustration she had accumulated over the past years and that now that she had released it, it might take a lot for Jane to satisfy her.

"No, no, no. It doesn't work that way. Actually why am I even asking you?" As she said those words Jane gently pushed Maura aside and quickly rolled on top her, not giving her the opportunity to complain.

"Don't handcuff me Detective, I promise I'll stay still and do what ever you want me to." Oh so Jane wanted to switch position and be in control? That certainly fitted her personality more and Maura could not be happier.

"If you don't want me to have to restrain you, just shut up and let me make love to you. I know what I'm doing." Did she really know what she was doing? The answer was simple : no and being a woman that was not really in touch with her own body and sexuality Jane knew that making love to Maura was going to be a challenge. Fortunately as she started to ghost kisses on Maura's chest from her collar bone all the way to her breasts, she knew that far from being an obstacle impossible to overcome this was actually an adventure. Her self confidence over the roof Jane was determined to explore every inch of Maura's body, to memorise every curves and pay attention to her reactions hoping she would be able to satisfy her equally.

"All right, I will exercise my right to remain silent then." As she felt Jane's tongue on her shivering skin Maura immediately felt her heart hammering her chest. Unwilling to kill her self confidence she simply closed her eyes, offering herself to Jane completely.

Lying on top of her Jane did her best not to put too much pressure on Maura's belly.

Feeling that Maura was finally giving in she started to kiss her right collar bone while gently massaging her left breast hoping that at that stage of her pregnancy they would not be too tender or painful.

Not receiving any complain from Maura's part as she cupped her breast Jane gently started her already hard nipple with her thumb. Not forgetting her other breast Jane dragged her tongue from Maura's collar bone all the way down to her right nipple. Rolling her eyes as she started to draw small circles around Maura's aureola Jane was finally tasting that woman she had been fantasised about for years and the reality surpassed all her wildest dreams. Not only Maura's breasts were perfectly shaped and firm but her skin was as smooth as a baby's and tasted incredibly sweet.

Lying on her back Maura's chest was rising and falling, following the rhythm of Jane's flicks. Never in her life she had encountered someone that was so gentle and considerate and that was not attacking her breasts like if they were a piece of meat. Strangely while Maura's breasts were slightly tender Jane's delicateness made this experience perfectly enjoyable.

Feeling Maura's breathing becoming more erratic Jane knew she had to take things to the next level and started to drag her right hand and her tongue towards Maura's folds. She could not wait to taste her, to devour her, to make her entire body shake under her touch.

Passing her fingers through Jane's hair, Maura whose eyes were still closed instinctively opened her legs as she felt her lover's tongue dangerously approaching her inner thighs.

"Easy tiger, we're not there yet." Positioning herself between Maura's legs Jane suddenly slowed her pace, determined to tease her as long as possible.

"Yes, Detective, you're in charge." To keep her from moving Jane, grabbed both Maura's legs, positioning them up on both sides of her shoulders. At this point Maura's arousal was rising exponentially by the minute and she could barely hold it anymore, but she knew better than trying to take control of the situation. If she wanted this to work she had to allow Jane to do things at her own pace, the way she thought was best.

Smiling at her girlfriend's newly found submission Jane continued to kiss Maura's stomach drawing small circles around her button.

As her naked breasts were in direct contact with her inner thighs Jane could feel how wet Maura already was and decided to slightly accelerate her pace.

Roaming her mouth on her lower belly all the way to her thighs she started to kiss them, gently allowing her tongue to tickle Maura's skin.

Feeling Jane's tongue dangerously approaching her folds Maura instinctively bucked her hips without considering the risk of rushing Jane's pace.

"All right, I'm giving you what you want." Feeling Maura's hips rising smiled and dragged her left left towards Maura's swollen clitoris and started to tickle it with her thumb.

"Oh Jane, I need you inside be now." Almost begging Jane to penetrate her Maura was forgetting the rules of their little game but it didn't matter. Her arousal was already sending her over the edge and she needed Jane to satisfy her hunger, now.

"Your wishes are orders to me." First giving Maura's entrance a quick flick with her tongue to taste how wet she really was, Jane responded to her request by thrusting one, then two fingers inside her while devouring her clitoris.

"Oh Jane, that's it...harder." Bucking her hips against Jane's mouth Maura's entire body was on fire. Her vision was blurry, her breathing irregular and she was sweating heavily.

"You taste so good baby." Lapping the juice streaming down Maura's folds Jane slowly pulled her fingers out and instead thrusted her tongue inside her as deep as she possibly could. Maura tasted so good that she refused to spend an other minute away from her folds.

Feeling her penetrating her Maura startled and immediately felt her inner muscles clenching around Jane's tongue. To her big surprise and despite what she initially thought Jane did not seem to have any trouble locating and stimulating her sensitives spots.

Plunging in and out of her lover Jane could easily feel Maura's inner muscles tightening around her tongue and to increase her pleasure thrusted two fingers deep in her folds, without withdrawing her tongue.

"Oh Jane, I'm gonna...Oh Jane." Reaching out to the back of Jane's head, Maura unknowingly started to press it against her inner thighs while bucking her hips against Jane's lips to maximise the penetration.

Unable to say a word or to even breath Jane, her head buried between Maura's legs pressed on her clitoris while continuing to intensify her thrusts hoping it would send her over the edge.

And it did, a few seconds later when Maura felt her inner muscles tightening against Jane's tongue and a violent wave or pleasure running through her entire body.

"Oh Fuckkkkkk." Arching her back as she screamed at the top of her lungs Maura, not bothered by Jane's inability to breath continued to press her head against her and her lips against her entrance as she came around her tongue, juice streaming down her mouth.

Looking up at Maura's entire body waving under her touch Jane smiled internally, proud to have cause such an intense reaction.

After about a minute of what had been a earth shattering orgasm Jane, feeling Maura slowly calming down, pulled both her fingers and her tongue and started lapping her entrance, licking her clean.

"Wow, easy Jane, it's a bit sensitive." Falling back on her pillow, her entire body covered in sweat Maura , this time had to slow Jane down.

"You just taste so good that I figured it would be a shame not to enjoy it as much as possible." Smiling as she ghosted a very gently kiss on Maura's dripping folds, Jane started to slowly make her way up to her girlfriend, dragging her tongue on her shaking body, tasting every drop of sweat she possibly could.

"Well as I said we have the rest of our lives to enjoy each other, not to mention that the further I progress in my pregnancy the more demanding I might become." One of the up sides of being pregnant was the overloaded libido and that was something she was certainly looking forward to.

"Wow, so you might get hornier than today? I can't wait to see that." Jane replied as she quickly stole a kiss from Maura.

"Was I that intense?" As she snaked her legs and arms around Jane, Maura realized that she might have lost control and was hoping she had not shocked her partner.

"Well, let's just say that between having your hand pressing the back of my head and your hips against my mouth, I could barely breath."

"Oh My God Jane, I'm so sorry. That was completely disrespectful, God knows I hate it when men do that when I perform sex on them." Biting her bottom lip Maura was petrified by her own actions, Jane had ignited her most bestial and wildest desires to a point where she could barely control herself.

"Yeah, I hate it too when they do that. It's just a way for them to make sure we swallow when they come. It's disgusting and that's one of the reasons why I rarely perform oral sex on a guy, you know unless I know him enough to know that he won't play that trick on me." Shaking her head Jane almost threw up a little in her mouth thinking about her previous sexual encounters. Fortunately making love to Maura was not forced or disgusting, it was natural and an act of love and commitment and she could not wait to explore things further.

"Exactly, it's a way of asserting their dominance but I promise I did not do it for that reason. God I did not even notice that I was doing it." Apologising for her behaviour Maura was determined to show Jane that she was different from her previous lovers, that she was not here to dominate her.

"I know baby, don't worry about it. Actually, once I managed to breath from my nose it became quite enjoyable. I love you Maura and I know that you're different, that we are different from everything we ever experienced before and that's why I let you top me, because I trust you and because I want to give myself to you completely without any restrains." Feeling the tears wetting her eyes Jane suddenly felt a bit unsettled. This first time was more charged with emotional and symbolic than she had anticipated. It wasn't about sex and satisfying their physical urges but about giving some of that desire to control that had destroyed her life and to simply say to Maura that she was willing to put her life, her future and happiness in her hands.

"I love you too Jane and I promise that I will do my best to prove it to you every single day for the rest of my life." As she looked down into Jane's eyes and gently whipped the tears with her thumb Maura saw a vulnerability, an honesty she had never seen before and knew that the battle against Jane's demons was almost over.

**Hello dear readers!  
First, ****I hope the analogy I made between them giving oral sex to men and Maura pressing the back of Jane's head did not shock you(as mentioned by a reviewer). It was just a way for me to compare Maura's passion with men's desire to control and overpower women and establish how different their relationship is from anything they had experienced before.**

**I don't know if this was as good as the previous chapter but I hope you enjoyed yourself. I know having Jane cry a bit at the end might sound pathetic but it was just to show how she finally let go completely in Maura's arms and how overwhelmed she felt. If I feel encouraged and if you're up to it I might use Maura's pregnancy as a pretext to write more of those sexy chapters :) Don't worry though, I'll be back with the regular story line in the next chapter :).**


	21. The proposal

**Chapter 21 :**

**The proposal : **

The next morning Jane woke up around eight O'clock and trying not to wake Maura up, gently extracted herself from her embrace.

After taking a quick shower and jumping in her usual jean/flannel shirt/boots apparel Jane took a minute to sit on the edge of what had become their bed to marvel at her girlfriend's beauty.

Spending the night holding her, feeling her warm body shivering against her every time her fingers brushing her skin had been the most wonderful post-coital experience of her life.

In the past Jane had almost always felt extremely uncomfortable in the moments following a sexual experience with a man. It did not matter if they had had sex for the first time or the tenth time, she never enjoyed cuddling afterwards and was grateful that most men fell asleep once their business finished so she could either go home(she would never bring any of her lovers to her place) or simply flip on her side and fall asleep as well.

With Maura things were different. Not only she had not felt compelled to hide her body by dressing up afterwards but she actually spent the entire night naked holding her, their two bodies tangled almost melting into one.

Kept awake most of the night by the intensity of the imprint of the imprint their afternoon of passion had left on her heart and soul Jane, started to realize that this might be exactly how her life was supposed to be and as far from what she had pictured it as it was, it felt incredibly right.

Sitting on the edge of the bed Jane gently cupped Maura's face with her left hand and tried to wake her up as gently as possible.

"Hey sweetheart, sorry to wake you up." Pouting as she witnessed Maura slowly emerging from her sleep she could not help but wondering how she could look so beautiful with no make up and her hair undone.

"It's alright. What time is it?" Covering her mouth as she let a discrete yawn escape, Maura tried to accustom her eyes to the natural day light. Strangely, after spending most yesterday in bed making love her body wasn't sore and she wasn't tired but instead felt incredibly energized.

"It's half past eight. I'm just waking you up for a few minutes because I'm gonna stop at the store before driving to the airport. Is there anything you need on top of what you wrote down that list?" Jane had little experience with pregnant women but knew that they usually had cravings and was determined to fulfil all her needs to avoid any conflicts that would upset her and compromise the baby's well being.

"Yes. I would not mind some ice cream, chocolate chips/mint and also strawberries . Please make sure it's organic." Now that was an unusual request for a woman like Maura who was usually very careful when it came to her diet and who only indulged her with sweet snacks during their weekly movie nights.

"Alright. Would you like me to bring you some of those crackers? I heard they'e pretty efficient in calming morning sicknesses down." Leaning over as she gently dropped a kiss on her forehead Jane realized something important : Maura is and has always been in touch with her desires and needs and never had any trouble voicing them out loud and she could only hope that she would not change and guide her through this pregnancy.

"Actually no, I strangely haven't felt sick at all up until now." Maura replied as she sat up in bed, pulling the bed sheets to cover herself up.

"Is that common?" If Maura was not having any morning sicknesses then maybe she would not have mood swing either. Now, that would be a true gift because as much as she loved her Jane already had trouble handling Maura rather colourful and stubborn personality and she could only imagine how challenging satisfying her could quickly become if overbearing hormones were added to the mix.

"No. 25 % of pregnant women never experience any nausea or morning sicknesses. I do feel uncomfortable around raw meat though."

"Then I will help Mrs Ryan in the kitchen from now on. Anything to keep you as comfortable as possible." Angela would be proud of her if she could see how much she had changed over the past two months. Not only she was gladly helping in the kitchen but she had found an inner peace that she had never ever contemplating achieving before.

"You're sweet and now that I'm thinking about it, I think you should bring me some fruit, celery sticks and veggies. It's much healthier than ice cream. I have already gained a pound and half and I should really start watching my diet more carefully." Being pregnant did not mean she should neglect her health and diet and she was determined to be as careful as possible as not to take some unnecessary weight.

"Come on Maura. You're pregnant! It's the one time in your life when you're allowed to eat what ever you want. And besides it's not like you're eating or planning on eating burgers and fries or pizza at every meal right?" One of the things Jane had learned over the past two months was that she could not control every single event in her life and that handing some of that control did not make her weak and she had a feeling that it was now Maura's turn to learn that same skill. Unfortunately nothing in Maura's life, especially when it came to her health was delegated and convincing her to be a mother, enjoy her pregnancy and entrust her Doctor with the medical details would probably prove to be a challenge.

"Of course not! I want to keep a reasonable and healthy diet. The good thing is I truly do not feel the need to eat any junk food and I doubt I ever will but I do crave for ice cream."

"Then allow yourself to listen to those cravings. I think that as long as you keep a normal and healthy diet there is nothing wrong with indulging yourself with some ice cream from time to time right?" The truth was Jane had no intention of changing her own diet during Maura's pregnancy and convincing her to accept her cravings for ice cream was a way of securing her own eating habits.

"I suppose you're right. It's just that I know that I'm probably looking at a weight gain between 25 and 35 pounds and I just don't want to put on some unnecessary weight because I'm not able to control my urges." As eager as Maura was to finally feel the baby moving inside of her womb and kicking the idea of seeing her body completely deformed and branded by stretch marks was something she was not comfortable with yet.

"And I understand that. I know that your body is going to change in the next few months but it's perfectly normal and it doesn't matter how much weight you gain, you'll always be the most beautiful woman in town." Flattery will lead you no where Detective, especially with a pregnant woman that's terribly doubting her own femininity but a few compliment never hurt.

"In town?" Maura replied, furrowing her eye brows and crossing her arms on her chest.

"In the entire universe. I mean it Maura, just enjoy your pregnancy and like people say: what is good for the baby is good for you. We'll deal with the extra pounds after the baby is born." Biting her bottom lip as those last few words literally slipped out of her mouth Jane feared that Maura would interprete them as her being reluctant to see her wearing extra her extra pounds for longer than necessary.

"You'll help me lose the weight?" Hopefully Maura was not upset or offended by Jane's remark and instead was touched that she actually considered her fears instead of just dismissing them.

"Absolutely. We'll swim, run, go horse riding. We'll what ever you need to get your body back in shape but in the mean time do me a favor and don't worry about it. I'm really sorry but I have to go if I want to go to the store before picking Mrs Ryan up at the airport." Sighing in relief Jane took a quick look at her watch and realized she did not have time to listen to Maura's pitching her the perfect post partum diet and exercising program.

"Yes. Her plane lands at 10 Am. We have all the time in the world to talk about it but before you go allow me to tell you that yesterday was particularly enjoyable." Pulling Jane closer to her and crashing her lips against her Maura immediately felt shivers down her spine and an intense electric wave running through her entire body. Kissing Jane had always had a very powerful effect on her but now that they had made love she could not kiss her without remembering those lips buried deep in her folds.

"Yes, it was but now that Mrs Ryan is coming back you're gonna have to learn to turn the volume down a bit." If anything Maura was a very quiet person as opposed to Angela or the rest of her family who were always yelling and screaming but when it comes to making love and express her pleasure she was indeed very, very vocal.

"Don't worry about that. I know plenty places on this farm we can go if we need some privacy." Maura replied licking her bottom lip as she started to picture them having sex in the barn, at the back of the red pick up or besides the river. This farm as gigantic as it was, was the perfect place for a young couple eager to spice things up by trying exotic and maybe a bit unorthodox places to meet for their sexual encounters.

"That sounds great. Why don't you go back to sleep. We should be back around eleven." Gently escaping from Maura's embrace Jane quickly gave her one last kiss and literally bounced out of bed knowing that if she didn't she would never leave.

"I will see you then but I don't think I will be able to fall back asleep knowing you're having "The" conversation with her. Are you sure you don't want to wait until the three of us are gathered to bring this up? I promise I will let you do that talking." Smiling nervously Maura had a feeling that Jane was as nervous as she was. This conversation and proposal were the most important of their entire lives and things needed to be done the right way, if they wanted it to work.

"Don't worry about me, I'm going to be fine. I spent hours in interrogations rooms trying to convince criminals to confess their crimes so convincing Mrs Ryan to trust her with her farm should be a piece of cake. I'm grateful for your support but I really want to have a one to one conversation with her. Don't worry though, if she agrees we're probably gonna talk about it in more details very soon. Now please just lie down and relax." Jane replied as she grabbed her jacket on the back of the chair sitting next to the door. As scared as she was to come out to Mrs Ryan with her idea she needed to do it one her own. She needed to prove to Maura and to herself that she could take care of their family by making decision and doing everything in her power to concretise their projects.

An hour and a half later Jane was driving back from the airport, Mrs Ryan sitting in the passenger seat.

"So how was your vacation?" Nervously tapping her fingers on the steering wheel Jane was torturing herself not knowing if she should bring things up or not. Maura was counting on her but she had no idea how to do it without being offensive or making it look like she was pushing her out of her own farm.

"It was great, the kids grew at least two inches each since the last time I saw them. What about you? Anything you want to tell me?" If there was something Mrs Ryan had in common with Angela was her curiosity. Over the past couple of months she had become the girls confident and was following the ups and downs of their relationship as faithfully as her favorite soap operas and she could not wait to hear about the last developments, knowing that a lot of things must have had happened during her absence.

"You don't need to be so careful. I know Maura told you that she was pregnant and it's okay. I get that she couldn't talk to me about it and I'm glad she had you to confide into. Thank you for helping her." Well one quality she had that Angela did not possess was her diplomacy. She would never force them to confide in her if they were willing or ready to do so and that was a drastic change for Jane. Not feeling pressured or forced to talk about her issues truly relieved the pressure of her shoulders and made it easier to do so.

"So how do you feel about it?" Mrs Ryan remembered the first time she got pregnant and her husband reaction when she told him but this was different, Maura and Jane's had just started facing their feelings and talking about it and throwing a baby into a still fragile relationship could possibly cause more damage than good.

"I feel scared to death but I'm happy. I mean I spent years listening to my mother telling me I should get married and have kids and every time she introduced me to a new guy I felt ambushed but strangely I don't not feel like that at all. Sure I would have preferred if we had waited a few years and actually discussed it before starting a family but what can I do? I love her and I think we wasted enough time already. So I'm going to stop running and take responsibility for this child and be the best parent I can possibly be." Jane replied as she slightly shrugged her shoulders. Said like that things seemed easier but she knew they weren't but right now simplifying things was her way of progressively getting used to the idea of being a parent.

"Does that mean you're going to stop running from your mother?" During the many conversations they had shared regarding Jane's inability to proudly come out as a lesbian one component always emerged : Angela. Mrs Ryan knew that Jane was scared of losing the respect of her male colleague and of being more bullied than she already was by the few that had no respect for her but ultimately her biggest scare was her mother's reaction. As she had just mentioned her mother, a devoted catholic, had spent years trying to push her to get married and to have children and she feared that make her accept her choice of lifestyle might be one of the biggest challenge she would ever have to face.

"Actually yes. Maura and I decided to fly back to Boston to make an official announcement. I think we waited long enough and if we want to live a constructive and happy life free of lies and resentment we not only to finally come clean about what has been going on but our family and friends deserve some closure too."

"Does that mean you are planning on staying in Boston?" Her voice slightly higher Mrs Ryan suddenly realized that by facing their fears and confronting them Jane and Maura might decide to go back to Boston and considering the proposal she had been working on, that thought was everything but enjoyable, regardless of how proud of them she was.

"No, no thank god no. Actually Maura and I have a proposition for you." Taking a deep breath Jane slightly turned her face to her right and tried to quickly come up with the most appropriate and sincere words possible.

"I'm listening." Was it possible that the three of them had the same idea? She was certainly hoping so.

"Well, we talked about it and what made me run away was not only my feelings for her but how I felt about my life in general. I think that after years of being this brave, loyal, heroic police officer and devoted daughter and sister I just could not take the pressure anymore. It might sound selfish but I could not be every body's hero and care taker anymore and now that I have tasted a different and simpler way of living I don't see myself going back. Ever." Now that was an understatement. As much as she loved her friends and family Jane had found her inner peace and she was grateful that Maura felt the same way and neither of them were willing to go back to a life that had made them so miserable that they almost missed on the chance to be together.

"You're not selfish Jane, you're human and as strong as you are, both physically and emotionally, you can not bare the weight of the entire city of Boston on your shoulders and that includes your friends and family. "

"Exactly. It's funny because I wanted to be a cop since I was ten or so and I never imagined myself doing something else but today all I can see myself doing is continue to learn everything about the production or maple syrup and how to run a farm but most importantly I want to build a family with Maura and I know that the only way we can provide our child with the kind of life that we want is if we stay here and fortunately Maura agrees with me and is very kin on staying here as well." Shaking her head Jane realized how lucky she was that Maura felt so strongly about staying here as well and refused to imagine what would have happened if she had not felt the same way.

"Berlin is the perfect environment to raise a child, very peaceful but also very busy and challenging. I'm sure you, Maura and the baby will be very happy here while I enjoy my retirement in Florida with my children."

"Does that mean you made your decision?" Jane replied unable to keep herself from smiling.

"Yes I did. I had been considering it since my husband passed away but as you can imagine the idea of selling my farm was more than I could possibly bare and there was nobody I knew I could trust to leave it to. Well that was until I met the two of you."

"I'm flattered and as I said Maura and I wanted to offer you to take care of the farm for as long as you and your children wish but it looks like we had the same idea... Which is a shame since I'm sure Maura probably already had a speech prepared to convince you." Nervously laughing Jane realized that she would not have to convince Mrs Ryan to trust her and frankly she couldn't be more relieved.

"You don't have to convince me. How about you go back to Boston, sort things out with your family and we'll talk about it when you girls come back?" Mrs Ryan replied as she gently starting to pat Jane's back, seeing how nervous she was and must have been the past few days.

"That sounds like a very good idea. Oh god, how am I tell my mother that I'm settling here?" Suddenly brought back to the painful reality Jane realized that making Angela accept her new life choices would be harder than convincing Mrs Ryan to trust her with her farm.

"What do you think she will have more trouble with : accepting that you're leaving Boston than to accept that you are a lesbian?" Mrs Ryan was also a devoted catholic and was even a bit older than Angela but had no trouble accepting Maura and Jane's relationship and could not imagine that a loving mother could disown her own children over something they had no choice or control with, especially when this relationship was going to produce her first grand child.

"Well, I don't know how she's going to react to Maura and I being together and to the baby but I know for a fact that she won't digest our decision to stay here. Up until now she respected my choice because she thought it was only temporary and that once things sorted out I would come back. This is going to be a though one." This conversation Jane and Maura needed to have to Angela would need, and Jane was well aware of it, to be thoroughly thought through and every possible reaction considered and they needed to prepare themselves to be violently rejected by Angela.

"Well luckily you have a very supportive and loving girlfriend."

"Yes I do, a girlfriend who's willing to leave her life and that career she spent 20 years building to be with me." She could not, would not fail, not after everything Maura had sacrificed for her, for them.

"Trust me Jane, she's not sacrificing anything. As much as she loves you I'm pretty certain that if she had not felt comfortable staying here she would have tried to convince you to move back to Boston once your issues worked out, which she did not do. This life you are building now building here for her and the baby is as appealing for her and it is for her, don't worry about it."

"I know, but still. I' m very lucky to have her and I intend to take good care of her and the baby." Just like that Jane Rizzoli became a mother, the head of her house, the care taker but in a much better way than she was in Boston.

"I know you will Jane." Mrs Ryan's work was done, after two months playing on both sides and trying to help the two women everything was right where it was supposed to be.

"Well as long as you don't leave before the baby is born I should be fine, God knows handling an hormonal Maura is gonna be challenging."

"I'm not going anywhere." Or maybe her work wasn't done after all.

**Hello my dear readers. I know this was a completely transitional chapter with no big event but it was necessary for me to have Jane and Maura talk about the ups and downs of her pregnancy and to show how supportive Jane intended to be and also to have Jane have a serious talk with Mrs Ryan regarding their project.**

**Next chapter : Jane and Maura fly back to Boston. Prepare yourself for some drama!**


	22. Boston drama

**Chapter 22 :**

**Boston Drama : **

About a week later Jane and Maura finally agreed it was time to drive back to Boston and come out publicly about their relationship and share their plans with their loved ones. Also, two women were about to put an end to their very successful and gratifying careers. After spending the past fifteen years serving and protecting the people of Boston Jane and Maura were taking a 180 degree turn from a life that was not only time consuming but both physically and emotionally exhausting to a much more modest life style where their main preoccupation would be to raise their child far from the busy and dangerous streets of their home town.

Around 8 pm that saturday, after 7 hours of driving, the two women finally arrived at Maura's mansion in Beacon Hill.

Parking her car at her usual spot in front of the house Jane immediately noticed Frankie and Frost's cars.

"It's saturday Jane, movie night." Seeing the preoccupied look on Jane's face Maura realized that she had forgotten that Angela usually gathered with Frost, Tommy, Frankie and sometimes Sergeant Korsak to have dinner and watch movies every saturday night. Despite being extremely close to her boys Angela missed Jane deeply and those weekly gatherings had become her way of filling the void Jane's departure had dig in her heart.

"I must have forgotten. It's not a bad thing though, that way we can hit two birds with one stone and make a general announcement." Clenching her fingers around the steering wheel Jane started to feel her heart hammering her chest and her breathing becoming more erratic. For the past week she had prepared herself to confront her mother and finally give her the closure she needed but she had not planned on having to face her entire entourage at the same time and despite not doubting Frost and her brothers' support, that idea terrified her.

"We don't have to do this tonight. You drove all day, you're exhausted and I'm sure that your mother won't pressure you to talk to her tonight. So I suggest that we have a good night of sleep and do what we came here for tomorrow." Maura knew how nervous Jane was by the simple thought of having to come out to her mother and for this conversation to be constructive and not turn into a confrontation, she needed her to be rested and relaxed. She knew Angela well enough to expect a vivid, even visceral reaction and a few possibly intrusive questions and was convinced that a physically exhausted Jane would take every single one of them as a personal attack and that things would quickly turn into a blood bath.

"No, I'm tired of running. I want to be able to sleep in your arms tonight, to bring you breakfast in bed tomorrow morning and to kiss and hold you in the middle of the kitchen without fearing that my mother might catch us. If we don't come clean tonight we'll have to sneak around until we do and I won't let that happen." It had taken too much time and efforts for Jane to finally accept herself for who she really was and she had no intention of going back in the closest, even for one night.

"Alright, then." Leaning over to kiss Jane on the cheek Maura could not help but feeling extremely proud of her and was hoping that this conversation they had both feared for the past two months would not turn into a giant disaster.

Walking towards the door as slowly as they possibly could Jane and Maura were holding hands, not caring if someone saw them. Stopping in front of Maura's door, the two women took a minute to breath, empty their thoughts and gather the courage and strength necessary to do what needed to be done so they could finally live their lives free of lies, guilt and self loathing.

"Before we go in, you need to know that I love you and our baby and that nothing that might happen tonight or in the next few days will ever change how I feel about our family or make me reconsider our projects." Her left hand on the door knob Jane paused for a second and turned around to face her beautiful girlfriend. The closest to revealing her true self to her mother she got, the more scared she was but strangely the more confident in her relationship she was. That life she had chosen to build in Vermont with the woman she loved and their unborn child was without a doubt the best decision she had ever made and it was up to her to bring people to understand and accept her choices.

"I know and If I haven't said it before, I'm so proud of you and one day when we tell the story of how we fell in love to our child he or she will be very proud too." And proud she was indeed and as she snaked her arms around Jane's waist and kissed her tenderly she was hoping that her presence would provide that extra bit of strength Jane might need tonight to finally free herself from that life that had destroyed her and had almost cost them the most beautiful relationship of their lives.

As the two women finally stepped into Maura's house the room suddenly went silent and all eyes turned towards them.

"Maura, Jane, you're home." Almost dropping the cup of tea she had in her hand, Angela immediately stood up and run towards them, her arms wide opened. She needed to feel them, to touch them to convince herself that she was not dreaming and that her girls were finally home.

"Ma. God I missed you so much." Pulling her mother in her arms, Jane took a minute to enjoy her warm embrace, knowing that this might be the last tender moment the two of them would ever share.

"I missed you too sweetheart but why didn't you call? Frankie would have picked you up at the airport." Pulling Maura in her arms as well Angela had trouble believing that that after almost three months the two women were finally back.

"We actually drove all the way from Vermont." A bit unsettled by this sudden display of affection Maura, like Jane, could not help but fearing her reaction and was expecting Angela to blame her and accuse her of having turned her daughter into a lesbian. Unlike Jane, Maura was a very practical and rational person and had considered every single visceral reaction possible.

"That's so typical of my sister, she always loved road trips." Taking a step towards Jane as he tried to pull them appart, Frankie could barely contain his happiness to see his big sister finally come home. Over the past ten weeks he had become Angela's confident, the one she would call in the middle of the night crying and overwhelmed by his new responsibilities he had learned to respect Jane and her devotion for her family and had come to understand why she had felt the need to move away.

"Would you let them breath! They probably spent the entire day driving and they're probably dying to sit down and rest."

"Thank you Angela. This trip has been nothing but exhausting and I would not mind sitting down. Frankie, Detective Frost, it's a pleasure to see you again." Being ten weeks pregnant and having to deal with over average exhaustion and cravings were challenging enough but having to spend the entire day sitting in Jane's car had been a nightmare but unfortunately to bring Bass and some of their belongings with them, driving was the most practical option.

For the next thirty minutes Jane and Maura sat and listened to Frankie, Frost and Angela commenting on how fit Jane looked and how glowing Maura was. Sitting next to each other, taking small sip at their respectives cups the two women were slowly starting to relax and could not help but wishing that this festive atmosphere would last.

"Well, I think we should go now, the two of you like you could need a good night of sleep. Jane, please come by the station tomorrow, I'm sure Korsak will be happy to see you." Much quieter than Angela and Frankie, Frost had spent the past thirty minutes observing the two women and he had a feeling that they had something they needed to announce and as a non member of this family he thought it was more respectful to give them the privacy they deserved.

"No, Frost please stay. There is something Maura and I need to discuss with you guys and your presence would mean a lot to both of us." The truth was that of all her loved one Frost was the only one that never asked any questions and that never judged her of accusing her of leaving her family and she knew that if Angela and Frankie were to react badly to the news he would be there to support and calm the tension.

"Sure." Nodding as he sat back on his large beige chair Frost frowned as he wondered what in the world could make the intrepide Jane Rizzoli that nervous and in need of his support.

"What's going on Jane? Are you okay?" Frankie asked as he reached out for his mother's hand.

"Yes, I'm fine, actually I haven't be that happy in a long long time." Looking at Maura, reaching for her hand, Jane was finally ready. She did not know how she was going to articulate what had happened and how she felt but she knew that with Maura by her sides there was nothing she could not achieve.

"Yes, Jane and I are perfectly fine and we would like to thank you all for your patience and support. We realize both our departures were rather unexpected and that not knowing why we left must have been excruciating but we're here to give you the closure you both deserve and to answer any question you might have." Maura was trying to establish a peaceful atmosphere and reassure them that the dialogue would be fully opened and she was hoping that Angela would use this opportunity not only to express her worries but also to try to understand Jane's choices.

"Yes, we're both grateful for your patience. I realize leaving like that was very hurtful and that without Maura to reassure you on almost daily basis you would have probably lost your mind." Jane replied, swallowing hard and smiling nervously.

"We understand that you had things you needed to work on and we know that we can be a bit overwhelming and even intrusive at times but we knew you were in good hand with Dr Isles and that she was helping you get through this ordeal." What ever was going on with his sister , no matter she was feeling or could have done that scared her to the point of leaving her family and job behind, nothing could make Frankie admire her less. Jane has always been and always will be her role model and he was truly hoping that she had finally worked through her issues.

"Thank you Frankie. Well, the reason why I left is because I could not live with myself anymore, I could not sleep, eat or focus on work anymore. I had accumulated so much self hatred and self loathing because of certain feelings I had been developing, feelings I wasn't ready to face, let alone accept that I ran. I'm not proud of it but at the time I thought that by running away I could free myself."Avoiding eye contact Jane was squeezing Maura's hand as hard as she could without hurting her as if she was trying to draw every last bit of support and strength out of her.

"Oh Jane, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You're the strongest person I know and for you to leave your family and friends like that what ever had been troubling you must have been overwhelming." And just like that by observing Jane squeezing Maura's hand and Maura looking at her, her eyes filled up with tears, Frankie understood what feeling she was referring to. This wasn't about Hoyt or about the shooting but about her being in love with Maura.

"It truly was and I have to admit that if I hadn't left I would have probably lost it. When I arrived in Vermont I was in a very dark place, darker than where I was after Hoyt took me and at the time I did not know how to find my back. But somehow, in the middle of nowhere I met this wonderful old woman who took me under her wing and gave me a job at her farm with a lot of work and fresh air I became much calmer and managed to get rid of all the anger I had accumulated." Bringing Mrs Ryan up Jane could only hope that Angela would not feel jealous or threatened by their relationship and that she would understand that it's sometimes easier to confide in a complete stranger rather than in your own mother, that the shame she was feeling had made it impossible for her to.

"You do look peaceful and relaxed. Damn it If I had known that all you needed was a trip to Vermont I would have sent you there a while ago." Frost replied, joking.

"I agree, I should have taken the time to reflect on my issues a long time ago, but what is done is done and I'm perfectly happy right now." Would her newly found happiness last or would Angela's reaction send her back to the self depreciative place she had lived in for so many years?

"I'm here for you, we all are. You said there was something that you had some feelings you had trouble living with and from the look of it you've managed to deal with it, mind sharing?" The last thing Frankie wanted was to push Jane into a corner but he wanted that he had figured things out already and that he was supporting her.

"No, not at all. I won't give you a long, painful speech and go straight to the point. Over the past few years, I have developed romantic feelings for Maura and for reasons I will spare you I could not bring myself to accept them but thanks to her patience and support I have managed to overcome my fears and we have been happily dating for...six weeks now?" And just like that she was finally free and it felt good.

"Yes, Jane. It has been six weeks. I remember receiving a letter from Jane about 12 days after she left. At the time I had no idea why she had chose to leave and I had even started to believe that she was never coming back. After I read that letter where she confessed her feelings for me, my heart broke into pieces. I obviously always suspected that she shared my feelings but I never imagined how hard it was for her to accept herself for who she was. So without even considering one second, I packed a few clothes and flew to Vermont, hoping I could convince her that what we had been feeling was wonderful and that there was no reason for us to be ashamed. After days and days of talking, reflecting on our feelings we somehow find a way to fight those fears and as Jane mentioned we have been happily dating." Sharing her side of the story Maura suddenly felt relieved, happy that Jane had managed to capture the situation and explain it to everyone so eloquently.

"You're telling me that you're a lesbian?" After spending the past few minute listening to what Maura and Jane had to say Angela was finally ready to talk about it and as the Italian mother that she was, she could not bring herself to do it quietly.

"I don't know if I'm a lesbian Ma. I never really questioned my sexuality before I met Maura so maybe I have always been a lesbian and I had been lying to myself for the first thirty years of my life, I don't know and it does not matter. What does matter though is that I'm finally in peace with who I truly am and I hope that with time you will be too." That look Jane was seeing on her mother's face was a mix between surprise and disappointment. In the past Jane had disappointed her many times, when she decided to join the academy or when she chose to support Frankie when he decided to become a cop as well but they always managed to work through their issues, but this was different. Being gay was not something they could ignore or negotiate, either she accepted her fully or she did not.

"No, this is not happening. I did not raise a lesbian. This is wrong, this is so wrong. You know what the church says about homosexuality Jane, how could you?" Jane's quiet and positive attitude did not help Angela to face the situation with the same serenity and as suddenly stood up and walked towards the back door, the past thirty five years flashed in front of her eyes and she started to wonder where she could have gone.

"How could I? How can you even ask me that question? Do you think that I chose to fall in love with Maura?" And that was the end of Jane trying to remain calm. Maura had warned her that as the devoted catholic that she was, she would probably bring the church into the conversation but blaming this on her was too much for her to bare.

"Jane, please calm down, give your mother some time to digest the news." Trying to pull Jane back on the couch Maura knew that this about to turn into a giant cat fight and she did not want either of them to say things they would not be able to take back.

"No, I'm not giving her time. Look Ma, I love you from the bottom of my heart and it took me a long time to accept myself but there is nothing wrong with me." Was Angela homophobic? Or was her reaction the result of the shock the news had caused? Right now it did not matter, this had turned into a crusade for Jane. After years of trying to be the perfect daughter she was going to fight for her family and for what she believed in.

"Then I should pack my things and leave this house because I will die before giving my blessing to such a disgraceful lifestyle." Turning her back on Jane, Angela took several steps towards the door. Was it pain talking, or was she sincere? Did she really believe that being in love with someone as wonderful as Maura, someone she considered as her own daughter could be that disgusting?

"Don't worry, you won't have to deal with my disgraceful lifestyle much longer. Maura and I are only here to pack our things before we drive back to Vermont." Jane replied, smiling through grinned teeth.

"Jane!" Now Jane was out of control. They had both agreed to wait to tell Angela they were staying in Vermont and that she was pregnant but somehow what should have been a civil conversation was turning into a competition of who would send the lowest blow.

"It's okay Maura. For once in her life my daughter decides to ne honest with me. I will be packing my things tomorrow. Thank you again for your hospitality." Slamming the door behind her Angela was barely able to hold her tears, they were tears of shame, pain and every possible emotion in the book and she had no idea how to deal with them.

"Well, that was a much more interesting night than our usual movie night." Shaking his head Frost suddenly understood why Jane had asked her to stay and could not be prouder that she had decided to face and act on feelings every body knew she had.

"Yeah, sorry about that. Maura, don't look at me like that. She ambushed me!" Jane, Jane, Jane, you're in trouble girl. Maura and you had a plan to bring the three news to Angela as slowly and respectfully as possible and by acting selfishly and by allowing your pride to guide you, you might have condemned yourself to sleep on the couch.

"You know what Jane? I could give you a tirade to explain how wrong your attitude is and that you might have just blown every chance you had of having a normal relationship with your mother but I won't because you already know that. You will sleep on the couch tonight. Frankie, Detective Frost, it was a pleasure to see you again. I will gladly have lunch with you so we can catch up." Angela was not the only one disappointed in Jane. After weeks of dating Maura naively thought that Jane had changed and that being in peace with who she was would keep her from being defensive and agressive but she was wrong. Maybe it was just who she was.

"Oh come on, Maura. I felt attacked and instead of remaining calm and explaining things to her the way we planned I just lost it. I'm sorry okay?" On top of flushing her relationship with her mother down the toilet Jane's attitude was putting her romance with Maura in jeopardy and somehow she had this feeling she had used every single patience and understanding card Maura had in her.

"If only you acted like you were, I might believe you Jane, but you're not." Walking towards her bedroom Maura knew that this might have been the biggest mistake of their lives. After struggling so hard to be where they were, a single conversation had just blown all their efforts away and she did not know if she had it in her to put the pieces back together this time.

**Hello dear readers. I promised you some drama and I hope I did not disappoint you. I always write Angela as being very accepting of Maura and Jane's relationship because I always figured that since she loves Maura so much she would be happy to welcome her into the family BUT I always forget that she's a devoted catholic and as tolerant as she is, the church condemns homosexuality. So I guess she'll be torn between what she was raised to believe in and her love for Jane and affection for Maura...I don't know how things will unfold yet but I'm working on it...**


	23. A mother always knows

**Chapter 23:**

Previously :

"If only you acted like you were, I might believe you Jane, but you're not." Walking towards her bedroom Maura knew that this might have been the biggest mistake of their lives. After struggling so hard to be where they were, a single conversation had just blown all their efforts away and she did not know if she had it in her to put the pieces back together this time.

**A mother always knows : **

"Maura..." The words barely audible as they slipped out of her mouth, Jane stood there watching Maura walking towards the bedroom. She wanted to follow her, to apologize and fix her mistake but she did not know how or if she could.

"Just give her some time. I know Maura, she can never stay mad at you for ever." Taking a step forward Frankie put his hand on Jane's shoulder and squeezed it gently, showing his support.

"I know but we had a plan and I screwed up. She actually wanted to wait until we get a good night of rest because she thought that I was too tired after spending the day driving to apprehend the situation quietly. She was afraid that the physical exhaustion would make me irritable and that I might attack Ma if she made any inappropriate remark." Yes, Jane, Maura has always been the reasonable, practical one and even if your desire to come clean as soon as possible was very thoughtful Maura was right, such a revelation requires certain settings, a certain attitude that you clearly did not possess tonight.

"Come on, sit down for a bit and tell us everything about this relationship." Relationship, that was a word Frankie never thought he would use while referring to Jane and Maura, at least not in a romantic way.

"Please tell me you're okay with this because I can't take any more drama tonight." Jane replied as she allowed herself to fall back on Maura's sofa.

"Oh please, the two of you have been acting like a married couple ever since you met, we were just waiting for you to admit and act on what everyone has known for years." Frankie replied.

"Yeah, I guess we were the last one willing to accept it. Do you think Ma knew as well?" If Frankie and Frost knew how could Angela not know? She had been living in the guest house for almost two years and had spent countless hours with both Jane and Maura and has always been a very observant and intuitive woman.

"I think she did but just like you refused to see it. I think she's still a bit old school when it comes to the way she sees what a couple and a family is but If she had a real problem with it she would have not got that close to Maura. She considers her as her own daughter, you know that, she just needs time to adjust. Don't worry about it." Angela's rather heinous reaction towards Maura and Jane's newly found sexuality had surprised Frankie because she had always been the most tolerant person in the world. She had tolerated many things from her husband and from her children and he was hoping that she would come to her senses and accept the couple because he knew her and Jane too well to know that not being able to overcome this would kill them both.

"I know Ma is old school and that she always wanted me to get married to a nice italian guy and have nice italian kids and I get that but this is different than anything we ever disagreed on in the past. I mean she always disapproved of me becoming a cop because she considers it to be too dangerous and keeps me from spending time you guys, she also never approved of my wardrobe or of the way I talk but those were things we can work around and I did, as much as I could. I mean, I started being more careful at work, especially after Hoyt, so she wouldn't worry so much, I agreed to shop with her from time to time and wear suits at work and I do my best not to miss our weekly family dinners but being in love with Maura is not something that I can change or compromise on. So I either she accepts or she doesn't." The good thing was that Frankie did not believe Angela was homophobic at heart and that just needed time to cope with the idea that her daughter was not the woman she had raised her to become. Unfortunately after what had just happened, Jane was scared of having created a void that could quite possibly never be close and that they might never find their way back to each other.

"Nobody is asking you to compromise your relationship with Maura. I think I speak for everyone that knows you enough to know what you went through in your life when I say that you deserve your happy ending and if Maura can give you that then grab the opportunity and never let her go." For Frost things were a bit different because he only met Jane a couple of years ago, about a year after Hoyt had taken her so he never knew her during her darkest time. Despite never seeing her at her lowest point he has always been able to feel the small holes in her heart and in her soul but he had a feeling that Maura was progressively filling them up.

"I have no intention to, trust me. It took us years to get where we are and I have every intention of making things work, no matter what I have to do." God she was gonna miss him. Unlike her family and Korsak, Frost has always been respectful of her privacy and never tried to hold her back and always had her back on the job and a friend like that was rare, too rare to let go.

"So, how is it? I mean dating Maura? Is it weird since you have been friends for years?"

"Not really. You know when you start dating someone new you always put on a mask and try to be what you think he or she wants or expects you to be but with Maura I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. She knows everything there is to know about me, the good, the bad and the worse and she always accepted me and loved me regardless. On the other hand being in a romantic relationship is a bit different while friends can put up with your moods swings or bad trades, a girlfriend doesn't have to and should not put up with your shit, so to make it work I had to agree to start reflecting on my issues and accept her help to solve them. Obviously after what just happened it's pretty clear I still haven't vanquish all my demons but I'm getting there." And for someone who never bothered to change the essence of who she was that was clearly the biggest proof of love Jane could ever give her.

"And do you really need to be six hours away to do that?" As unaffected as he was to learn that Jane and Maura was dating, imaging her not moving back to Boston was something he was not willing to concile, not until he was convince that it was the only for her to heal properly.

"I'm sorry but I do. You know how much I love you guys and that I would give my life for you in a heart beat but everything I have to deal with here just became too much. Between the job that's overwhelming, having to deal with Tommy's screws up and helping Ma getting through the divorce and her various life crisis, I never had time to take care of myself and that's probably why I let myself drown that deeply. I'm so sorry but things here in Boston will never change and coming back would just erase all the progress I have made and I don't want that." By choosing to stay in Vermont leaving Jane knew she was making the right decision for herself and her future family but the wrong one for her loved ones but for the first time in her life she was determined to put her needs first hoping they would understand.

"Then you have to stay in Vermont and do what makes you happy. You know I have been dealing with Tommy and Ma ever since you left and it's exhausting. I really admire you for lasting that long." Now Frankie was the head of the family, the care taker and as much as he hated it he felt it was only fair that he finally stepped up and lifted that weight of Jane's shoulders to allow her to live the life she deserved that her devotion for her family had prevented herself from living up until now.

"You're a guy and I know Ma always saw you as more independent so you shouldn't have too much trouble setting things straight with her and keep her from swallowing the life out of you. I'm proud of you little brother, you really grew up and stepped up." As terrible as it sounded Jane did not feel guilty about dropping her responsibilities on him. She had been sacrificing too much for them for to long and it was time for him to do his part.

"Don't worry about it. Anyways, we should go and let you apologize to Maura. You're here for a while, right?"

"Yes we are. We have a lot of things to sort out before we can drive back to Vermont. Don't worry though, I love you guys and I will always be there for you, one phone call and I'm here, alright?" As she pulled Frankie in her arms Jane realized that she was leaving more good than bad things, that her life was filled up with people that loved and supported her and was afraid that once everything sorted out she might miss them more than she'd be able to handle.

"We know Jane, don't worry about. We'll catch up later, your girlfriend is probably waiting for you to apologize so go and make it up to her. Damn, Dr Isles is your girlfriend, that is so weird." Frost replied, shaking his head in disbelief. Even if had been suspected that the two women were in love ever since he had met them, knowing it was true and that they were now in a committed relationship was something that was truly unsettling and that would require time for him to wrap it around his head.

"If that look on your face means that you're picturing us having sex, I swear to God I'm gonna slap the crap out of you." Jane was smiling and Frost knew that this threat was bogus because of all the guys working with her he was the one that was the most respectful of women.

"Of course not, not that the image of Dr Isles naked is not unpleasant I would never take such liberty. Don't worry. Come on Frankie, it's time to let the two love birds make up." Dragging Frankie towards the door Frost sent a quick smirk to his partner, happy to see that for the first time since they had been partner she was finally happy and willing to fight for Maura and what they had built.

An hour later, after unloading the car and indulging herself with a long, hot bath, Jane decided to join Maura in her bedroom, knowing she would probably not be asleep.

When she stepped into the bedroom Maura was on the left side of the bed, turning her back on the door. As she slowly and quietly climbed in bed next to her girlfriend Jane was hoping that she would at least hear her out and that after a good night of sleep she would forgive her.

"I'm sorry Maura. I know there is no excuse for acting the way I did but I just snapped. I will talk to her tomorrow and make things right, I promise." Knowing Maura was not asleep Jane slid close to her and snake her arms around her hoping she wouldn't push her away.

"I understand. You feel that she has been disapproving every single choice you made in your life and after years of putting up with it you just couldn't anymore. All I'm saying is that there are ways to tell her how you feel without destroying your relationship with her and breaking her heart." Still turning her back on Jane, Maura was slightly calmer than she was an hour ago and was opened to the dialogue.

"I know. It's just that she has never been heinous like that. What she said was borderline homophobic and that's not okay Maura." As much as she wanted to make things right, Jane was hurt, her mother's words literally stabbed her in the heart.

"You want to know what I think?" Maura replied as she quickly flipped on her back and looked up in Jane's big brown eyes.

"Of course, tell me."

"I think your mother always knew what was going on between us, that she probably spotted it before we ever did and that when you told her tonight that the feelings you had developed for me were partially responsible for you being hurt for so many years, she just felt guilty because she probably always assumed that you were unhappy and damaged because of Hoyt. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute, how would feel if you were her?" Maura was perfectly capable of seeing things through Angela's eyes because she had also failed to see that being in love with her was causing her pain and also assumed Hoyt was responsible.

"Oh my God. She thinks she failed me. I never thought she knew how I felt about you because I always figured that she would never resist bringing it up and put her nose in it so when she said those disrespectful and heinous words I just thought she was a complete homophobic." Damn Jane, for a Detective you're sometimes clueless. Of course Angela knew, a mother always knows.

"I can understand that you did not suspect anything I think she never mentioned it because she did not know how but she clearly had no idea it was troubling you to that extend, otherwise she would have reached out. The good thing is, considering that she has been living with me for the past two years and has been treating me like her own daughter, it's fair to assume that she's not an homophobic bigot." Cupping her face Maura could see the distress in Jane's eyes, Angela and her had missed on so much and she was hoping to help them re-establish proper communication.

"That's what Frankie told me. Damn, not only he knew I was in love with you but he suspected that Ma knew as well and I'm the Detective." That was the irony of the situation. Jane was one of the best Detective in the city but when it came down to her family she missed the most obvious things.

"Don't punish yourself Jane. I think your mother managed to hide her knowledge very well, to you at least. Now you have to find a way to open the dialogue because I won't leave Boston until things are settled."

"I will talk to her tomorrow. I love you and from now on I will stick to our plan. I promise." Pressing her lips against Maura's Jane was relieved not only to see that she was willing to forgive her but that there was an explanation to her mother's behaviour. It was now up to her to talk to Angela and make things right.

**So guys, reviews were split. Some of you sided with Jane and some with Maura. I for one think they were both wrong and right in their own way. I hope you liked this chapter and I would really love to hear what you have to say about Maura's theory. Do you think Angela really reacted that way because while she knew Jane was in love with Maura she failed to see that those feelings were partially responsible for her unhappiness?**

**Thanks again for the support.**


	24. Shared responsibilities

**Chapter 24 :**

**Shared responsibilities : **

The next morning Jane woke up around seven am, the sun in her eyes and Maura's head resting on her chest. Palming her face with both hands, rubbing it vigorously it took her a minute to realize that she was in Maura's bed. Obviously Jane had spent the night at Maura's place in the past and had even shared her bed but this was different. While a few months ago the two women would have slept at each side of the bed, doing everything in their power not to touch each other, they had spent the entre night holding each other as tight as they possibly could, almost refusing to allow their skins to breath.

Looking around her, Jane noticed Bass at the end of the bed, the poor tortoise had missed Maura so much that he had refused to leave her bedroom.

"Are you planning on hiding in here until your mother is done using the kitchen"? Maura suddenly mumbled, her eyes still closed as she tightened her grip around Jane's waist.

"You're awake..." Of course she was. Unlike Jane that required her alarm to wake her up every morning, Maura possessed a perfectly timed internal clock.

"Yes, Bass has been knocking on the bed for the past ten minutes, I think he might be hungry." Pulling up the covers to protect her eyes from the natural light penetrating the bedroom trough the thin curtains, Maura had no intention of getting up just now and Bass' visible hunger was actually the perfect excuse she needed to push Jane to step into that kitchen and talk to her mother.

"Alright, I get the message. I'm getting up, is there anything you want for breakfast? I'll even bring it to you so you don't have to get up." Jane replied as she gently extracted herself from her lover's embrace.

"The only thing I want is for you to speak to your mother, I can wait to have breakfast." Was this a good idea? Would Angela be willing to talk to Jane? Would Jane be able to refrain from attacking her? At this point Maura did not know if another confrontation so soon was a good idea but she knew the Rizzolis well enough to know that the longer they would allow those negatives feelings to grow inside them, the more intensively they would eventually explode and the last thing she wanted was to spend her last days in Boston feeling guilty and comforting Jane.

"I know and I truly want to make things right. I promise to keep my cool this time, do you trust me?" Letting her talk to her mother on her own was an immense proof of trust from Maura's part and she could not screw this up, not again.

"Yes, I do and I trust your mother to be more reasonable and quieter than she was last night. I know you both had a lot of frustration and pain to express but I trust both of you to be adults and listen to what the other has to say. I love your mother Jane, I truly do. In many ways she's been more present and has helped me more over the past five years than my mother ever did in my entire life. I can not and will not lose her and neither will you, so go in that kitchen and make things right. I will talk to her myself later." Despite her desire to remain in Vermont with Jane and raise their baby far from Boston Maura had no intention of cutting the Rizzolis off her life. Ever since she had met Jane and more especially since Angela had moved into her guest room Jane's family and had become a surrogate family, the loving and supporting she never had and she had every intention of making sure that despite the distance, Angela would play her role as a grand mother.

"I know sweetheart and I promise that I'm going to make this right, for myself, for you and for our baby. Speaking of which can I tell her you're pregnant? God knows she has been asking for her first grand child for years." Her hand on Maura's belly, Jane was hoping that Angela would come around and treat this child as a Rizzoli because she did not know if Maura could handle her and her child being rejected.

"Yes, but I think you should wait until she's calmed down and has accepted our relationship. If she reacted that strongly to our relationship and still remains reluctant to accept it, I can only imagine how she could react when confronted to the fact that we're going to raise a child together. Please be careful how you bring the news this time." Angela's desire to finally have a first grand child was no secret but Maura knew that this news could have a more devastating than the news of her dating Jane and that this baby would under no circumstances help fix what had been broken last night.

"I know my mother, if she hasn't accepted our relationship, finding out about the baby won't change anything, it might actually make things worse, no matter how much she's craving for a grand child. Now, go back to sleep, I will bring you your breakfast in a little while. I love you." Kissing Maura's forehead before bouncing out of bed Jane realized how much her life had changed, this wasn't about her anymore, it was about Maura, their relationship and their child and every word coming out of her mouth, every decision she would ever make from now on needed to be careful considered. She could not afford to be impulsive and careless anymore.

Walking towards the kitchen as slowly as she possibly could Jane, seeing her mother standing behind the kitchen isle, took a deep breath and a second to consider what she was going to say. This was probably her only chance to make things right and she could not mess it up.

"Morning Ma." Swallowing hard as she took a few steps towards her mother Jane never felt so uncomfortable in her entire life and had this weird gut feeling that the entire future of her family was about to be determined.

"Morning Jane. Want some coffee?" Angela replied without a look at her daughter, not that she did not want to, she just couldn't bring herself to look at her in the eyes after what had happened last night. Very much like Jane, Angela had spent most of her night lying in bed, replaying their fight in her head a millions times, analysing every single word and she did not know how to behave after almost disowning her own daughter, truth be told she did not even know how to feel.

"Yeah thanks, I could definitely use it. Bass has been driving me nuts all night pacing in the bedroom. I think he really missed Maura." Really Jane? Did you have to mention sharing your bed with Maura?Really?

"He did. Are you planning on taking him with you when you leave?" Still refusing to establish eye contact, Angela poured some coffee in Jane's favorite cup and gently push it across the kitchen isle.

"Thanks, yes we're planning on taking him with us, that's why we decided to drive, Maura thought he would not do well in a container if we had to fly him back to Vermont." Taking a sip at her coffee Jane had this very strong feeling that Angela had no intention of trying to convince her to stay in Boston and it broke her heart into a million pieces.

"That might be the smartest thing to do, he can barely handle being transported in a car whenever Maura takes him to the vet so I can only imagine how badly he could react to being contained in a over heated plane." Angela replied, shaking her head, forced to admit that she was going to miss Bass.

"Yes, but you know we're not leaving anytime soon. We need to talk to Cavanaugh and Maura has many things that she needs to sort out here before we can leave and besides we could never leave knowing you hate us that much." Nice touch Jane, but the word hate might be a little strong, especially while referring to Angela.

"I don't hate you Jane. God, I love both you and Maura so much. I don't know what happened last night, this is not like me, being full of hatred and intolerant, this is not who I am and certainly not how I raised you and bringing the church into this was stupid. I'm so sorry." Literally collapsing on the stool next to Jane, Angela let the biggest sob out and started to cry. This person that had attacked Maura and Jane was not her, it couldn't be.

"Oh Ma, I know this wasn't you. I expected you to react strongly to the news but I did not thought you would react that way and I think my behaviour didn't help. I should have tried to put myself in your shoes and let you leave the house to breath and digest the news instead of attacking you back. I'm sorry Ma." Almost bursting in tears as well, Jane reached out for her mother's hands and held them as tight as she possibly could. For the first time in a long time she was willing to take responsibility for her actions and admit that she was partially responsible for last night's disaster.

"I think we both over reacted Jane and I should have known you would not allow me to insult Maura the way I did. You always protected the people you love and you love her right?" Was Angela ready to talk about her daughter's new love?

"Yes Ma, I'm madly in love with her and I know what the church says but there is nothing wrong with that Ma. She makes me happy, she really does and it's all that should matter right?" Jane was now sitting closer to her mother and her voice was shaking, as much as she loved Maura and as much as she was willing to sacrifice everything to be with her, she could not bare the thought of losing her mother.

"No, there is nothing wrong with that Jane and I should have never brought the church into this. I guess I always knew how you felt about her, probably before you even realized it yourself but I had no idea that it had been hurting you so much and for so long. When you told me, I guess I just felt that I had failed you. I'm your mother Jane and I knew how you felt about her but I failed to see how much it was hurting you, I'm so sorry." Tears streaming down her face, Angela's heart was not filled with hatred anymore but with guilt, she had failed her little girl, or so she thought.

"Oh Ma, no, you did not fail me. Everyone knew that I was in love with her, Maura included but nobody suspected that those feelings were the cause of my chronic unhappiness. I guess I just became such an expert at hiding my feelings that none of you could have known and besides, between Hoyt, the shooting, plus the other terrifying things I see at work on a daily basis there was a million things that made me unhappy, being in love with Maura and not being able to accept it was just what pushed me over the edge and lead me to leave." Jane replied as she started rubbing her back.

"But you're okay now? I mean you've accepted those feelings?"

"Yes, I have. Maura and I talked about it for hours and it took me weeks before being willing to come back to Boston but I can in all honesty say that I'm completely comfortable with my feelings and that I do not care about what people might think or if other cops lose respect for me and start mocking me for being gay." For the past 15 years Jane had struggled twice as any other officer to earn the respect of her peers and to be accepted as one of the guys but right now, none of this mattered, she was part of something much greater than the Boston Police Departement.

"Then why do you want to settle in Vermont?" That was the million dollar question and Angela was scared to death of the answer, she was scared that what ever was keeping Jane from coming back to Boston would not be something she could fix.

"Because apart from being closeted there was so many things that I made me unhappy, things that can not be fixed and won't change and as cowardly as It may sound, I know I will never be happy in Boston Ma. I'm sorry, I love you and Tommy and Frankie but I think I have found a place where I can forget everything that has been haunted me for years and start fresh." As the words slipped out of her mouth Jane, who as they arrived in Boston was still partially hesitant to walk away from her family finally made her definitive decision.

"So if I understand correctly, there were many things that made you so unhappy but it was your feelings for Maura that triggered your departure but now that you have accepted your feelings those other negatives things that had made you unhappy are keeping you from coming back?" Now that was confusing...

"Yes, and I know that some of the things that made me feel terrible are manageable but some others aren't. I don't want to hurt you or anyone else but I just can't do this anymore Ma. I can not continue to do this job, see those horrible things and act like they don't affect me because every one I know expects me to be a hero. I love my job and I love you guys more than life itself but I just can not be everyone's saviour anymore. I need to take care of myself, of my own needs and happiness and that's something I'll never achieve if I stay in Boston and I really need your support Ma."

"Of course you have my support Jane. It breaks my heart to see you leaving but if being a farmer in Berlin, Vermont makes you happy then I guess I'll just have to visit you."

"Thank God, I promise that we'll be back for Thanksgiving, Christmas or for birthdays. Berlin-Boston is only a couple of hours flight and there is no way Maura and I are will ever spend any vacations away from you guys especially since..." Biting her bottom lip, Jane paused for a minute to consider what she was about to say. Was Angela ready to receive the news about the baby?

"Especially since..." Narrowing her eye brows, Angela could feel her heart hammering her chest, her breathing was short and her mouth was dry and she was terrified of what Jane was about to announce.

"Maura is pregnant Ma and we're going to raise the child together, as a family." Just like that, as casually as she would have told her about the weather, Jane told her mother that she was about to become a grand mother.

"Maura is what?" Her jaw almost dropping on the floor, Angela wiped the tears of her face with her sleeve and bounced off the stool she was sitting on.

"It's a long story and I'm sure she'll be more than happy to share it with you but please tell me you're okay with this. This child needs a grand mother and god knows Constance won't assume that role." Looking at the confusion on her mother's face, Jane knew she needed to emphasise that this child was her grand child and that they would need her help.

"Maura is pregnant." Repeating those same words over and over, Angela started to walk towards Maura's bedroom, not that she did not believe Jane but she needed to hear it from her.

"Ma!" Following her mother to Maura's bedroom, Jane had no idea what to expect. Angela had just given her blessing to their relationship but supporting this pregnancy was taking a step further and she had no idea how if she was ready,

**Hey guys, so what do you think? Maura's theory was spot on after all. I know their conversation was a bit all over the place and that between what made Jane unhappy, what made Jane leave, and what is making Jane refusing to come back to Boston things can be pretty hard to follow but I'm sure this is not a problem for you.**

**What do you think is going to happen when Angela barges in Maura's room and asks her point blank if she's pregnant? I haven't started writing this chapter yet, but except a very emotional conversation between the two of them!**

**Thanks for the support guys.**


	25. Nonna Angela

Previously :

"Maura is pregnant." Repeating those same words over and over, Angela started to walk towards Maura's bedroom, not that she did not believe Jane but she needed to hear it from her.

"Ma!" Following her mother to Maura's bedroom, Jane had no idea what to expect. Angela had just given her blessing to their relationship but supporting this pregnancy was taking a step further and she had no idea how if she was ready,

**Chapter 25 :**

**Nonna Angela : **

"Is this true, are you pregnant?" Barging in Maura's bedroom without even knocking, Angela was still in shock but strangely she wasn't mad or angry, she simply needed some explanations.

"Ma!" Right behind her mother, Jane had no idea what Angela's state of mind was and she knew that her determination to remain calm and civil would not last much longer if she dared to attack Maura on her pregnancy.

"It's alright, Jane. Why don't you take Bass with you and give him his breakfast? Please." When Jane and Angela barged into her bedroom Maura was standing in front of her dresser and as she saw their reflection in the mirror positioned on top of it, turned around and immediately noticed the protective look on Jane's face. She knew she was almost ready to jump at Angela's throat again if she dared to make any comment on her pregnancy. Fortunately for Angela, this time Maura wasn't willing to let Jane's protectiveness get in the way of them sharing a civil conversation. Angela deserved some answers and she was more than keen on providing her with some.

"Okay. I will leave the two of you alone. Come on Bass, come with me." Shaking her head, Jane took a few step back, followed by Bass who had used this opportunity to slowly make his way towards the kitchen.

"Please, Angela, sit down and I will gladly answer all your questions." Taking a deep breath Maura as she pointed the bed, inviting Angela to sit. Analysing her facial expressions and general language Maura was pleasantly surprised to see that Angela seemed excited and eager to get some answers but not angry at all, proof that Jane and her had work through what had happened last night.

"Yes, I'm sorry Maura. I didn't mean to startle you. It's just that when Jane told me you were pregnant, I just.." The shock of the news was still so overwhelming that Angela who was usually so eloquent could not express how she felt.

"It's okay Angela. I know how diplomatic Jane can be and I'm sure the probably drop the news without proper precaution. To answer your question, yes, I'm pregnant, ten weeks to be more precise. Here, this is an ultrasound we took about two weeks ago." Handing the small picture to Angela, Maura wanted to make things concrete by making her see her grand child with her own eyes.

"Oh my god, it's so tiny. Is everything okay? Are you experiencing any morning sicknesses or dizziness?" As she wandered her fingers on the small picture, things became much more concrete for her, a small human being was growing inside of Maura and almost forgetting their rather rough encounter last night, Angela immediately turned into Nonna's mode. This child might not have any Rizzoli's blood but she had always considered Maura as family and now that she had accepted her relationship with Jane, she had every intention of treating this child as a full member of her clan.

"No, as strange as it is, I have not been sick a single time, which is not completely uncommon, but I have developed a strong intolerance for raw meat." Maura replied shaking her head in disgust.

"Tell me about it, when I was six months pregnant with Tommy, I literrally threw up on our Thanksgiving turkey, needless to say that Franks' mother never forgave me and went to her grace convinced I did it on purpose." Angela replied, laughing at the memory, that to this day was still brought up at every thanksgiving and blamed on Tommy.

"That must have been very embarrassing and very inconvenient for someone like you who loves to cook."

"I suppose it was, but Frank was of a big help back then. What about you, is Jane helping around? If she needs a lecture, I'll be happy to give her one." Picturing Jane as a future mother that was not carrying her child was a rather unconventional situation and Angela was hoping that her daughter was behaving accordingly and supporting Maura.

"Yes, ever since I told her I was pregnant, she has been forbidding me to do any kind of physical work around the farm and she has been helping Mrs Ryan in the kitchen a lot, she even brings me my breakfast in bed every morning after finishing her chores. She's very carrying and worries almost more than I do. Don't worry about, I'm in good hands with her." During all those years she had spent picturing herself in a relationship with Jane, Maura had never imagined her being so gentle, carrying and romantic and was pleasantly enjoying every single moment.

"Jane has always been very helpful and generous but when it comes to take care of you, things take a new dimension I suppose, especially now that you're pregnant."

"To be honest with you she has been remarkably gentle, carrying and romantic ever since we exchanged our first kiss but finding out I was pregnant ignited something in her and she has made it her personal mission to take care of both of us." Maura replied, her right hand on her belly.

"That's what we call maternal instinct Maura. I was starting to think Jane did not possess any but I'm glad to be proven wrong." Jane was almost thirty six years old and between her career and her refusal to settle down with someone, Angela had slowly given up all hope of becoming a grand mother.

"I don't think either of us were ready for this challenge especially since we had only been dating for a month when we found out but we both stepped up and we couldn't be happier. I just hope that this baby won't come between us, our relationship is still very young and we're still trying to figure things out and I'd hate for this baby to destroy what took us to many years to build." Would this baby bring them together or break them appart? So far it has brought them closer and had given Jane the kick in the butt she needed to step up and stop running from her feelings, would this feeling of responsibility that had invaded Jane last?

"Oh Maura, don't think that this baby can hurt your relationship. That only happens when the relationship is either weak or in trouble but what the of you share is and this baby is only going to straighten your love. I promise." Angela had known of Maura's desire to have a child for quite some time but she also knew that her desire to be with Jane was even stronger and older and she could only hope that Jane would be able to resist the presume of having to take care of a family.

"Was it that obvious?" Looking down at the ultrasound in Angela's hand, Maura was full of regrets, she could not help but thinking about the years they had lost and the pain they had put each other through.

"Oh sweetheart, your love can be seen from the moon and it became even more obvious to me when I moved in your guest house. Jane might feel that I don't understand her most of the time, which is not entirely untrue, especially regarding her career choices but when it comes to how she feels about you, there was never a second where I doubted how much she loves you. The only thing I failed to see was how much in denial she was and how it affected her but this is all in the past. Right now what matters is that you take care of yourself and of your baby, god knows he or she will need to be strong to survive our family dramas." Reaching out for Maura's belly, Angela was sad and disappointed that the two women had chosen to raise her first grand child away from her, but after years of disapproving of Jane's choices she couldn't help thinking that she had pushed her further in the closest and she was determined to take a 180 degrees turn and to be as supportive as she could , even if their decision broke her heart.

"Does that mean you're giving us your blessing?" Looking up in Angela's eyes, Maura was desperately looking for that maternal support she knew her own mother wouldn't provide her, not because she would disapprove of her relationship with Jane but because she was not as warm and involved as Angela was.

"Yes, I never disapproved your relationship with Jane and I wanted to apologise for my behaviour, I think I just felt guilty for not seeing what was causing Jane's unhappiness and for not reaching out earlier, but as I said this is all in the past okay?" Angela replied, pulling Maura in her welcoming and warm arms.

"You can't imagine how much your support needs to me, god knows we're going to need it, especially since I have every intention of confronting the father of this child to ask him to waive his parental rights so Jane can legally adopt our child." That was still a subject that Jane and her had been carefully avoided but Maura was determined to make sure that Jane had every legal right possible on their child and for that to be possible she knew she would need the biological father to waive his parental rights.

"Is the father that guy you hooked up with a week after Jane left?" The simple thought of someone coming between Jane and that child she knew she considered as hers enraged Angela but she trusted Maura to sort things out so her grand child could be a full member of their family.

"Yes, as I mentioned before, I don't remember his name but I do remember his license plate so I will have Jane run it. Unfortunately he told me that he had no family what so ever and I remember how sad and lonely he seemed, so making him to renounce to his child might be challenging." How stupid was it that Maura remember his custom plate and the model of his ferrari but not his name?

"I'm sure you and Jane will find a solution, don't worry about it. " Strangely Angela wasn't not upset at Maura for sleeping with a man without remembering his name or for practicing unsafe sex, not when it resulted in her becoming a grand mother for the same time.

"I'm sure she will. I have been completely honest with her and she knows it was a one night stand and that I don't remember his name. Oh god, you must think I'm promiscuous." As wonderful as being pregnant was, Maura was extremely embarrassed not because she had had a one night stand but as comfortable she was with her sexuality and with having no string attached sex, not bothering to ask her lover's name was not who she was.

"Of course not, I think we all have various ways of copping with pain and abandonment, how can I be mad at you when you're carrying my first grand child?" Holding Maura in her arms, rocking her like she used to rock Jane when she was a baby, Angela could feel all the shame and distress that was overwhelming her but knew that Jane would not let anything happen to her family and that she would do anything in her power to protect them.

**Hello dear readers, I know this was a very short and poorly written chapter and I'm sorry. I just felt that this conversation was a redux of the one Angela had with Jane, that Maura had to repeat and explain the same things so it was a bit boring to write and probably to read as well, sorry. ****I think I might deal with the baby daddy in the next chapter? How? I'm not sure yet but I have an idea and for those who read "the return" or "unconditional support" it's going to be a completely different, don't worry!**

**Thanks for the support!**


	26. Facing him

**Chapter 26 :**

**Facing him : **

After half an hour of talking Angela and Maura finally decided to join Jane in the kitchen to have breakfast.

"Look at you all touchy." Standing behind the kitchen isle, Jane was pleasantly surprised to see Angela walking her right arm around Maura's shoulder.

"Well unlike you, Maura doesn't mind being hugged." Angela replied as she kissed Maura's cheek before releasing her from her embrace.

"You know Angela, contrary to popular belief, Jane is actually quite a hugger, a kisser and also a lot of things I should probably not mention." Smiling, Maura walked towards Jane and snaked her arms around her waist.

"Hey watch what you're saying, my mother and I haven't had " the talk" yet and I'd rather not having to go through it at my age." As she pulled Maura closer to her Jane pressed her lips against her in an attempt to shut her up. What a relief it was for her to be able to kiss Maura, knowing her mother approved their relationship.

"Look at you two bickering like an old married couple, speaking of which are you two planning on tying the knot anytime soon?" Now that she was completely comfortable with their relationship Angela has every intention of putting her nose in it and probing for as much information as she possibly could.

"Ma! Come on, we've only been dating for two months, I know you've been dreaming of seeing me getting married ever since I was a little girl but Maura and I are taking things slow so you're gonna have to wait, okay?" Her eyes almost popping out of her head, Jane could not believe how fast her mother went from being insulting and disrespectful to talking about marriage.

"It's legitimate question Jane, the two of you have been running from your feelings for so long that I think a wedding is long due and besides you wouldn't have to adopt the child if you got married before Maura gives birth. What? I have done some research." The truth was that Angela first instinct when she figured out that her daughter was in love was another woman was to do some research on LGBT rights because she was scared of never seeing her getting married or having children that would be legally recognised as hers.

"That's very thoughtful Angela and you are right. Should we get married before the baby is born, Jane would not have to adopt the baby but that would imply that the biological father waived his parental rights, which is something Jane and I actually would need to discuss." Sighing as she released Jane from her grip and took a step backward, her shame and embarrassment suddenly resurfacing. How many obstacles would they have to overcome before being a family?

"Yes, we do and I actually have a plan to track him down. Hey look at me, what ever happens we'll face it together okay?" Taking a step towards Maura, Jane pulled her back in her arms and kissed her forehead. Despite having avoided the subject of this child's father, Jane had not stopped thinking about him and had come up with a plan to find and deal with him.

"I will leave you two alone. I'll have breakfast later." At that precise moment Angela felt it was time to discreetly walk to wards the back door to give the two women the privacy they needed to address this matter.

"You do?" Rising her head Maura was surprised that Jane wasn't running away from this issue and that she was willing to deal with it.

"Yes, come here. You told me you did not remember his name but that he took you to his place so maybe you could remember where he lives." The simple thought of having to face her child's biological father enraged Jane because she had no idea of how he would react and if he would fight for custody but she knew that facing him and having him waive his parental rights was the only way that she would ever have legal rights on the baby.

"There is something I haven't been honest about Jane." Settling on the couch, Maura took a deep breath and tried to gather her thoughts as best as she could. She had lied to Jane and she could only hope she would forgive her.

"About what?" Jane replied, rising her eyebrows as she reached for Maura's hand.

"It's not that I don't remember his name, I just never bothered to ask him but the good news is that I remember his plates number so we should have no trouble tracking him down." Wrapping an admission of guilt into a good news, really Maura?

"That's terrific news!" The shame on Maura's face was so overwhelming that Jane chose not to mention her lie. Resentment and guilt had talken enough away from them already.

"The only reason I remember is because he had a red Ferrari with custom plates." Looking at Jane in the eyes, analysing her facial expression Maura could see that she was sincere and that she was not mad at her. How could this be? She had lied to her after all.

"Good, we'll go to the station and run them."

"Aren't you going to say anything about the fact that on top of lying to you I had sex with a man without even bothering to ask him for his name? Don't you think it was a completely reckless behavior?" Jane's sudden forgiveness was bothering Maura, she wanted, she needed Jane to blame her, not to forgive her that easily, what she did was terribly wrong and she needed to be punished for it.

"With everything I see on the job yes it was stupid and reckless of you because that guy could have been a rapist or a murderer but I won't judge you for it. I had just left you, you were heart broken and you needed a way to cope with your pain, nothing wrong with that. Actually I'm the one who should apologise over and over for leaving you because If I hadn't none of this would have happened." Maura's guilt over sleeping with that guy was almost as intense as Jane's guilt over leaving her but Jane knew she was the only one to blame for Maura's actions and she was willing to do everything in her power to make up for her actions.

"But I wouldn't be pregnant." As excruciating as living without Jane not knowing what she could have done to push her to leave was, Maura chose to see the bright side of the situation. If Jane hadn't left, she wouldn't be pregnant and that made up for all the nights she had cried herself to sleep.

"True which is a blessing so how about we stop punishing ourselves for our past actions? We need to move on Maura, we really need to." Yes, it was time for both of them to get rid of past bitterness and self blame and look forward, they owed it to their child to move on.

"Okay but for us to do that we need to deal with him, will you drive us to the station after breakfast?" Maura knew that the both of them had a million things to take care of before leaving Boston but facing her child's father was her absolute priority.

"Absolutely. Come on let's get something to eat. I made your favorite omelette and a fruit salad, should keep you going until lunch." How was Jane going to deal with this situation? Would she have to dig up in his past and threaten him or would Maura be able to convince him?

About an hour and a half later Jane and Maura drove to the station and stepped foot in the square room for the first time in months. Walking towards Frost's desk holding hands, they couldn't help but feeling a bit unsettled knowing they would never work here ever again, that their lives were now in Vermont, away from that career they loved and had spent so many years to build.

"Jane, Doc. What brings you here on a sunday?" Smiling at first as he saw his friends walking towards him, it only took a second for Frost to realise that they were probably here to give their resignation but he couldn't help but being incredibly happy to see that Jane and Maura were finally together and that they had found a place where they suited them and where they could build a new life far from Hoyt or all the other ghosts he knew had been haunting Jane for years.

"We're good , we're actually here to see you. Would you mind running that plate for me please?" Far from feeling guilty for using the department ressources for personal reasons Jane handed a piece of paper where Maura had written the guy's plates number.

"Sure, give me a minute...So when will you be talking to Cavanaugh? He heard that you were back and he wants to see you, both of you." Entering the plates number on his computer, Frost took a second to look at Jane and Maura. They were standing in front of him, holding hands visibly comfortable regardless of the number of fellow officers that were watching them.

"Does he know that we're not planning on staying?" Gently squeezing Maura's hand, Jane started to curse Frankie, she was going to kill him with her bare hands if he had dared to tell their boss that they weren't planning on giving their resignation. Cavanaugh had always been very trusting and supportive of Jane ever since she had joined homicide and he deserved to get a proper explanation.

"No, don't worry, you'll have the pleasure to tell hin yourself. Here we go, that car is registered to a Trent Hayes and ...he was killed in a car accident two weeks ago and he's actually still down at the morgue." Unfortunately Frost had no idea who this man was and as he gave them the news as casually as he possibly could .

"Oh my God..." Checking Frost's computer screen to confirm it was him, Maura then literally collapsed in Jane's arms. This was not the way it was supposed to happen.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry." Far from being happy with the way things had turned out, Jane pulled Maura in her arms and held her as tight as she possibly could and gently kissed her forehead knowing that despite not knowing this guy Maura was going to feel responsible for his death and that she was going to mourn him.

"Did you know him?" Slightly panicked, cursing himself for being so indelicate Frost had no idea of what was going on.

"It's a long story. Why is he still at the morgue? Is there an investigation going on?" If there was an investigation Jane had every intention of highjacking it and finding who had killed this man, not for her but for her child's sake.

"No. Apparently he was crossing the road outside his law firm when he got hit by an SVU. There was an investigation but it was concluded that the car's brakes just malfunctioned and it was filed as an accident but as he had no family his body hasn't been claimed yet." As he turned his computer screen for Jane to get a better view, Frost immediately recognised that look on her face telling him they were just about to re open this investigation.

"I will claim his body." Maura replied rising her head. She did not know that man but he was the father of his child and she felt compelled to take care of him and give him a proper burial.

"Are you sure?" Jane wasn't even surprised and frankly couldn't object or see how claiming his could be a bad thing.

"Yes, I'm sure. I might not know him well but he's the father of our child and he deserves a proper burial." Maura replied, whipping the tears of her face with her sleeve.

"And we'll give him one, I promise." Jane replied kissing Maura's forehead.

"What baby?Are you pregnant?" Did he hear properly? Was Maura pregnant? Was that man the father? That would certainly explain her reaction and desire to take care of his funeral.

"Yes I am and I would like to see his body please."

"Sure, but you know Doc you're still the Chief Medical Examiner so you can se the body and release you under your care anytime you want." Standing up, Frost grabbed his jacket and walked towards the elevator, determined to be there with his friends and support them through this terrible ordeal.

"Right, right." And just like that Maura realised that she didn't even thought of herself as the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and she came to understand that it was time for her to focus on the livings not the dead.

So that day Jane and Maura went down to the morgue to pay their last respect to that man they didn't even know but who had given them the most wonderful gift they could have hoped for.

A few days later a small and tasteful funeral was organised by Maura and Angela who despite never meeting that man could feel Maura's pain. To Maura's big surprise despite not having any family Trent had a lot of friends from his firm that had come to pay their final respect to him. Standing there, holding Jane's hand Maura spent a couple of hours listening to every single one of them pay hommage to this man who according to them had the biggest heart any human being could have. Listening to their testimonies Maura learned that despite being a corporate lawyer Trent was not heartless and that he spent all his free time volunteering with several organisations, helping children that needed an advocate. Far from releasing her of the guilt of having waited that long to come back to Boston and tell him about this pregnancy, Maura at least got a glimpse at the kind of man he was and knew that once her child would reach the proper age she could tell him what a formidable man his or her biological father was.

**Hi guys! I hope you're not disappointed by the way I handled the situation but I couldn't bring myself to have the guy fight for his parental rights and have Jane threaten him again the way I did in two other stories.**

**On another note, I think you'll agree with me when I say that my writing has been terrible those past two chapters and I think it's a sign that this story has run its course. The general plot about was Jane's denial and refusal to face her feelings. I think I managed to resolve that pretty well and that it's time to write the conclusion to this great story. I still have two chapters in me and I promise you I will try my best to bring you the good writing I had accustomed you to!**


	27. Farewell dinner

**Chapter 27 :**

**Farewell dinner :**

A week had passed since Trent's funeral and Jane and Maura were finally ready to make their way back to Vermont to start their new lives. The day after the funeral they both visited Cavanaugh to hand him their respective resignations and despite his attempt to make them change their mind, the two women remained firm on their decision. Actually, the more time they spent in Boston, the more they missed the farm and the more convinced they became that their lives were now in Vermont.

It was about seven o' clock that night when Jane stepped into Maura's bedroom to tell her that their guests had arrived and were all eager to see her.

"Hey babe, everyone is here, you're coming?" When Jane entered the bedroom Maura was standing in the middle of two dozens boxes, a note pad in her hand. Unlike Jane whose belongings fitted in a couple of boxes and suitcases, Maura had numerous books, CD's, clothes and other personal items and she had spent the entire weeks packing, labelling every single box to make sure that everything would be shipped to Vermont properly.

"Yes, I'm just going through my inventory one last time to make sure that I haven't forgotten anything." Standing in the middle of the various boxes Maura was obsessively roaming her eyes on her list, making sure that she had packed everything they would need to feel home in Vermont.

"I know you want to create the perfect home for us at the farm and that you feel that we need to bring a little bit of Boston with us but I can assure you that all I need to call a place home is to have you and our child by my side so don't worry about it. And besides you know Ma will be happy to send you anything you might have forgotten to pack." Standing there, her arms around her beautiful girlfriend, looking at their lives packed into boxes Jane was still unable to believe that Maura was willing to give up her career, her friends and that city she loved so they could live in a place where Jane's ghosts would not haunt her anymore. She was the luckiest woman on the planet and was determined to honour that sacrifice every day for the rest of her life by being the best life partner and mother she could possibly be.

"I know and I while I also believe that all we would feel home anywhere as long as we're together, I would still feel more comfortable bringing pieces of our past lives with us, but I can downsize and leave a few boxes behind." This was harder than she expected. While she was happier than she had even been, Maura was still a bit nostalgic to leave that career she had spent fifteen years building but most importantly she was extremely sad to leave Angela, who had become a surrogate mother, and the rest of the clan behind. As much as she loved Jane and enjoyed their fusional relationship she was still unsure that isolating themselves from the people they loved the most was the solution to Jane's issues, but she was willing to try, hoping she would make new friends and maybe start a new career.

"Of course not, take as much stuff as you want, but for now we should join our guests, we have the entire day tomorrow to check that list. Come on." Jane said as she threw Maura's note pad on their bed and dragged her towards the living room.

A few minutes later the entire Rizzoli & friends clan was gathered around the dinner table for a very emotional farewell dinner.

"Guys, guys if you don't mind stop bombarding Maura with all your questions I would like to propose a toast." Jane said as she stood up and rose her glass.

"That's a terrific idea Jane. I would also like to say a few words, once you're done, of course." Clapping in her hands, Maura stood up as well and immediately reached out for Jane's hand.

"Sure. Well as you all know I'm not much of a speaker so I'm going be brief. The past three months have been an adventure and a challenge. When left I really thought that I wasn't gonna make it. It was like all the pain and suffering that I had buried all those years were suddenly resurfacing and it was overwhelming. I couldn't breath, sleep let alone focus on work, so I left. Luckily for me I was fortunate enough to find a place where I was able to breath, focus on my issues and most importantly be myself without any restrain. Obviously that experience would have never been so successful and I would probably still be drowning if Maura hadn't gone after me. Maura, I don't think I'll ever be able to show you my gratitude for everything you've done for me over the past few years. I know that moving to Vermont is an incredible gift and I promise you that I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure you never regret that decision. I promise to take care of you and our baby and to build a life we can both be proud of and satisfied by. I love you." After spending the past fifteen years protecting the people of Boston and risking her life for them on daily basis, Jane had now found her new mission in life : be a mother and a life partner and as simple as that mission sounded it was probably the greatest challenge of her life.

"Thank you dear, that was very eloquent of you. I just wanted to say feel extremely grateful to have met and worked with such a wonderful group and that I will miss every single one of you dearly. Angela, from the very first time we met you never stopped treating me like a friend and ever since you moved into my guest house we started developing that strong bond that I know I will cherish for the rest of my life. I hope that you will visit us very soon and take an active part in our child's life because I honestly don't know if I can do this without you..." Bursting in tears Maura let go of Jane's hand and immediately rushed into Angela's warm and maternal arms. The truth was she truly had no idea how to handle this pregnancy, let alone raise a child and she was hoping that the distance would not severe the bond she shared with Angela.

"Oh Maura sweetheart, of course I'm going to be there every step of the way. We're gonna continue to talk on the phone and I will be more than happy to visit you and stay for as long as you need to help you with the baby." Letting Jane go was the hardest thing she had ever done in her entire life and admitting she could not help her own child overcome her issues was tearing her apart. Fortunately seeing Jane with Maura, observing them together, Angela realised how changed Jane was, she was smiling, caring, touchy, talking about the future, in one word she was everything she never allowed herself to be until now and she knew that she owed it all to Maura's unconditional and support. So as heart breaking as seeing the two of them leave was she knew that moving away from her painful past and starting over was probably the only thing that could save Jane's life and she was grateful knowing that Maura would be there for her every step of the way.

Later that night, Jane and Maura went to bed surrounded by those boxes full of their belongings relieved that their trip to Boston had been so productive and joyful. Now that they had both put their affairs in orders they were ready to start writing the next chapter of their lives, away from that city that had seen their friendship grow and slowly turned into the most incredible and powerful love they could have ever imagined and as challenging as this new life appeared to be they weren't scared at all because they know that together they could accomplish anything.

**Hey guys! I know this chapter was short, uneventful probably pretty lame but I b****ut I think that a farewell dinner was important, that I couldn't just write the epilogue straight away. **

**I chose not to write long speeches or another heart breaking conversation between Jane and Angela because I believe that everything that needed to be said has been said already and adding more to it would have been redundant.**

**Next chapter will be the epilogue, still working on it, don't hesitate to tell me what you wanna read or if you have any questions that need to be answered.**

**I'm also starting a new story that I will be posting very soon so if any of you wants to be my advisor and beta please don't hesitate to come forward. This story is completely different from everything I ever wrote and I might need guidance!  
Thanks again for the support.**


	28. Epilogue

**Chapter 28:**

**Epilogue : **

The next six months passed faster than Jane could have had anticipated it. Upon their arrival to Vermont the two women started unpacking their personal belongings and tried to re arrange everything to turn the farm into their own comfortable little love net. Unfortunately for Jane redecorating the entire farm to fit Maura's taste wasn't the real challenge, what turned out to be the most difficult for her was to split her time between working around the farm and being there to satisfy Maura's needs. Between the hard physical labor that running an exploitation of this size and taking Maura to her OBGYN appointments, birthing classes and decorating the nursery Jane barely had a minute to herself to just sit down, breath and contemplate the beauty of her surrounding.

Fortunately unlike her duties in Boston that were consuming and swallowing the life out of her, those responsibilities she had taken on were filling her heart up with an immense feeling of joy and an indescriptible pride. For the first time in her life she enjoyed being responsible for someone's else well being, it wasn't a chore anymore but a pleasure and something she did not fell trapped in.

Thankfully, she could always count on Mrs Ryan to help her satisfy Maura's cravings and to relieve the poor woman of the terrible back pains the weight she had gained had caused. Ever since Jane and Maura arrived at the farm Mrs Ryan had been their friend, confident, their guardian angel and as such she took it upon herself to follow Maura's pregnancy scrupulously, watching her diet, helping her with her breathing exercices or with the nursery and when Maura started to have contractions during her 32 nd week and couldn't be brought to the hospital in time, she found herself delivering her baby in the same room she had gave birth to her three children.

Angela turned out to be very present and actually insisted in moving in with the girls just a week before Maura gave birth and stayed for another month teaching her girls the ropes of parenting. Despite being slightly jealous of the relationship her girls had developed with Mrs Ryan, Angela slowly develop a close friendship with her and when Mrs Ryan finally left to leave with her children in Florida she helped her pack and promised to visit her often, which she did. Obviously living in Boston without Jane or Maura was difficult at first, especially since Maura insisted that she moved into the main house, but strangely after a few months she started to find herself relieved not having to worry about Jane anymore. After spending years wondering if Jane would ever meet someone and have the happy ending she deserved Angela was finally able to fall asleep at night smiling at the thought of Jane putting her grand daughter to bed and then joining her wife Maura to bed.

Giving birth in a farm, that thought never occurred to Maura who had already visited a private clinic an hour away from their town and who was determined to give birth there. Unfortunately their little princess decide to grace them with her presence three weeks in advance and she had no choice but to trust Angela and Mrs Ryan to deliver her safely.

So on that very special Valentines day, Maura Liliane(after Mrs Ryan) Angela Rizzoli-Isles. Two days after the birth the entire Rizzoli & Co arrived to Vermont to celebrate this small miracle but unfortunately Maura's parents weren't able to join them.

In fact the Isles weren't able to make it either six months later when Jane and Maura got married behind the barn and exchanged their vows at the very same spot they had shared their first date. Far from being devastated Maura asked Korsak to walk her down the aisle and cried when they finally said " I do" knowing that her family was right here, that she did not need her parents to approve or even acknowledge their marriage or their grand daughter.

Ever since she had accepted the position of Chief ME, Maura had found in the Rizzolis the family she always she had and through the years had earned priceless friends who completely accepted her and then her relationship with Jane and their daughter.

Acceptance, that was probably the most important feeling Jane and Maura had learned since they had met. They had learned to accept each other for who they were but also to accept themselves despite their weaknesses, mistakes or even darknesses. Together they came to realise that life was far too short to fill it with regrets, remorse or self hatred and that one's true strength stood it their ability to ask for help, open up and trust the other and that was the most valuable lesson they had taught each other and the kind of value they intended on passing on their daughter.

As Chief Medical Examiner of the state of Massachusetts and as one of Boston's most decorated officers Maura and Jane were often content but never happy but as two women in love living a very simple life in Vermont producing maple syrop surrounded by animals and raising their daughter, they had found something only a few people find in their life times. They had found harmony, the perfect harmony between who they wanted to be and who they finally gathered the courage to be it wasn't even a dream.

**Alright guys, this was a very short epilogue but I hope it answered the questions you had and left you with a nice picture of Maura, Jane and Liliane's lives in Vermont. I know it was all over the place and not as good as my other epilogues but I just have been suffering from the biggest author's block ever.**

**As I said I have two new ideas for two pretty original stories but I don't seem to find the inspiration to start writing them so If some of you are willing to help and maybe give me kick in the butt I need, I'd would gladly accept. **

**I don't know when the inspiration will come back, it might be two days or two months ...Just be patient and I promise I will do my best not to disappoint(trust me those two ideas are brilliant!).**

**Finally ****I want to thank all of you for reviewing, giving me ideas, giving me your two cents when you thought I was making bad decisions, it helped me a lot. T**hanks again!


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